... california dreaming ...

Sunday, November 30, 2003 how to fuck up a birthday (working title)

We used to laugh in reality:
real joy, real tears,
years before our time
you and i
Then we, unintentionally, laughed
in the face of reality
as if it was simply so far away
years before our time
you and i
and now we stand,

years before
lying to each other
our time
wasting our smiles in our darkest hours.
you and i

years before our time
you and i

if we hadn't built these walls
years
i could strecth to save you

before
to save what you had

our time.


but we were years before our time
you and i,

and we smile as if it were real.

Turntable Jessie 2:52 AM [+]
...

If you wanted to sail, say,
to the center of the ocean,
and bind your hands
and bid goodbye,
i'd buy you the sail,
and i'd tie you up in bows.

But if sailing the ocean
take seven whole months,
don't settle for a lake,
and if I suggest satin ropes,
don't look to me in disgust.
consider my thoughts as important too.

Listen to your words,
find what it is to live,
and assure me you're sure,
teach me the knot,

If you knew how much i cared,
you wouldn't tell me i was wrong

Turntable Jessie 11:56 PM [+]
...

We're drinking midnight rum,
we're hoping
still
still
that we can be more.
and we're sitting
recollecting,
our wills
against fate,
our wills
against each other,
my hand on your belt,
yours in my pocket,
we have time
time
slides by
along the clock
down my back
your spine
in your heart
in my hand
in your

and we'll never be more
my love, my last,
we'll never remember
to ever be more.

Turntable Jessie 11:20 PM [+]
...

but i'm warning you,
don't ever do
those crazy messed up
things that you do.
If you ever do
i promise you
i'll be the first to crucify you.
now it's time, to prove
that you've come back here
to rebuild....
...rebel...
...rebuild...

~barenaked ladies

Turntable Jessie 10:51 PM [+]
...

I wish that I
had seeped into you
like the moonlight had crushed
into your midnight glance.

but oh, how insistantly
i would rest on your shouldar,
like te dew we would wipe
off of your front windsheild.

Turntable Jessie 1:19 PM [+]
...

and if the sky still falls,
i'll be waiting here still,

flames askew,
but waiting
,true,
and hating you
for what you did
to me.

Turntable Jessie 10:07 PM [+]
...

Turntable Jessie 10:29 PM [+]
...

We walked down my street.
Your hand touching mine, but we
were too secretive.

Turntable Jessie 4:31 PM [+]
...

.

Turntable Jessie 4:25 PM [+]
...

The Lasting Glance

Today we find our young heroine in ruins.
Her hair is matted,
her face wet with tears.

All forces are against her!
BANG!
Her soul shudders with the blow.
POW!
She takes the jab to her gut.

She lies broken on the floor.
Will she get up?
Will she release her wrath?

Her super powers are weakend by the increased lithium in the nearby caves...

the enemy stands before her.

he is tall and handsome,
the epitome of dark.
his baritone laugh echos in the caves,
his majestic black robe shades his eyes.

and he smiles at her,

a smile to dominate any thought,
full of evil and contempt,
sweet insanity radiating from his lips.

He informs her of her own execution,
slowly forming the words,
as if it were painfull for him,

but she clearly holds
the most pain of all

But have no fear, dear listeners,
for strength is easier done than said
when one has nothing to lose.

Climbing to her feet,
brushing her hair out of her eyes,
her gaze catches his own evil glare
and refuses to withdraw.

While under her spell,
he notices the tragic pain between her long lashes,
a hurt so strong
you would sooner wish for death.

he thinks of his mother.

Meanwhile, she has situated her pistol
out of it it's holster,
a simple life taker,
gleaming with pride.

With little to no effort,
she rests the gun's tip on his chest
Our heroin is waiting, barely resisting,
to peirce his charred heart.

you want her to pity him, don't you?
you want her to walk away.
to remain innocent.

so does he.

but she pulls the trigger.
the pain was too strong.
the shot is defening.
she was afraid.
the bullet glides out.
she never loved him anyways.

it enteres his heart.
she looks in his eyes.

once more.

and lets him fall to the ground.
alone.
and she leaves.
alone.
even though she knows
that she has no where
to go.

Turntable Jessie 5:30 PM [+]
...

http://www.livejournal.com/users/lastnightslove/

Turntable Jessie 5:28 PM [+]
...

nostalgic affliction...:
~i feel bad for the fact that the times got messed up and some people couldn't go to the beach... i mean specially when we got home at 5.00 anyway...it seems like more could have worked out.
~ conversley, i feel bad for ryan in the fact that so many people were gone at so many points during the day of his b.day...
~ i feel flat out horrible for yelling at him. i was so pent up and so frusterated, and being told to drive back and forth just wasn't my thing...so if ya read this ry, i'm still sorry. and i'm really sorry things got kinda weird there for a while (yeah, that moment right before we went onto the beach...with maggie bleeding and me complaining and...yeah, you know) it really sucked that you had to speand even a few seconds of your b.day like that
~I'm sick of this church shit. that's why i wanted to stop hanging out with those people... matt, i don't know why you keep involving me in this, but it's stupid. i mean, who knows, maybe i'm just a large source of entertainment for you? i don't know...i just don't care any more...
~ yes, i feel bad about getting mad at jason too. i did it because i'd do anything for my friends at any given moment and when that doesn't inspire them even in the slightest to do the same for each other, it makes me really upset
~ i feel bad for making val wait so long
~lita, i feel bad for everyone babbling about the beah so often...i don't know if it bugged you, but it usually bugs me when people are like "oh, look at how much fun we had and you couldn't be there"... so yeah, whether or not it upset you at all, i did feel bad.
~i feel bad for being in such a shitty mood at the game... i just felt so...detached from everyone, and my inner only child came out ready to raise hell
~ i don't like letting patrick get to me, really... it just happens
~ g, i really didn't mean the scarf thing, seriosu...haha.. i know it's dumb and i should just let it go, but i guess i was just poking fun at how posesive our group has to be all the time, and i didn't mean to be such a condescending ass...

"but you drive for desperation. you drive because you have no tomorrow..."

...and fufilling nostalgia:
~the beach really was wonderful...the car ride, while insane, was seriously one of the funniest of my life....bryan singing remix to ignition, maggie co-pioleting, jason getting sandwiched by the trucks, me "almost killing us several times", and just generally being stho cute...
~when me and maggie went to find a bathroom, we were both so out of it that we were just babbling...watching kids get dropped off in the middle of the highway, and maggie's beautiful "no one should throw shells at another person, even if it's their birthday. i mean, jesus couldn't throw shells if it was his brithday. same with buddha, and god only knows when that is...."
~the cake was sooo disgusting (when ryan stuffed it in my mouth i was honestly about to hurl...haha) but it was really fun
~watching jason and bryan shake off the tarp
~ seeing ryan's chocalate covered ass...haha
~bryan: "wouldn't it be funny if the ocean just beached a whale right now?"
~ maggie and i changing in the middle of a national highway...
~ryan getting jason's car door stuck open
~ carlie given out the digits to passing cars
~ "i'm bleeding!!! i'm bleeding right now!" "where? how??" hahaha
~ while i wish i hadn't serperated myself so muh because of it, i did enjoy watching a certain guiarist play... and i seriously played it well, believe... we made eye contact a couple of times and he would just start to kinda nod when i'd turn away like i wasn't really looking...haha,t hat soudns dumb, but believe me, it was smooth
~ "stho cute" did get a little weary after a while, but it was really hilarious
~ got to see the huxtables.
~ i liked seeing everyone at the movie theatres... love talking to dorothy and jessica. everyone think they have some other agenda or somthing, but they really are just nerdy teenage girls... they're like "oh, why don't peopel come over and say hi? oh, i'm kinda too shy to just go over and start a conversation"...hehe
~ i love grant, he's such a cool kid and always puts me in a good mood...ok, except for when he tells me i should hook up with patrick...haha
~ patrick while spinning on the tire swing: "HELLLP MEEE!!!" a drunk paul sugarman: "hell no!"
~ seeing val and saiyin on a randevous...awww....hehe
~the drunk black lincoln boys "we're lost" haha
~ seeign that thing do doughnuts, then run into a tree? classic actually
~ getting pulled over was pretty ironic, not to mention fucking lucky how they got off with just a minor ticket...

overall, a very two sided, happy birthday ryan, let me cross my fingers that i have more good times, day.

Turntable Jessie 2:38 PM [+]
...

"...Innocence is overrated now...
...so get this sober feeling down.
Well i guess you've come over me.
so define lonely...."

i think it's kinda funny that you tried to replace me. like i'm worth replacing. and i think it's kinda funny that you tried to give me a replacment for you... i had to say no of course, i don't screw around (no pun intended) with people who were looking for an outlet more than anything...not to mention how young she is...while some of us like that kind of thing (oh, read yesterday please), it's not my deal...and just the fact that you thought i needed somone...whether i did or not...

heh, like you were worth replacing....

"...Innocence is overrated now...
...so get this sober feeling down.
Well i guess you've come over me.

Now i know real love is for free."

Turntable Jessie 10:56 PM [+]
...

wow, after tonight, i think we've got all the bases covered.
I have a friend with a crush on a sophmore, and a friend with a crush on a freshman. looks like juniors lose the spirit ralley on this one...heh...anyhow, both of these are healthy, and actually make me very happy for all individuals involved.

on the other hand, i have someone i cared about dating a sophmore, someone i cared about dating a 20 year old, and someone i cared about dating...well no one. as usual. haha...anyhow, these ones make me a little more upset...i wouldn't even care about a certain church boy, who's been an issue for me for years, dating this girl, but tonight i found out that his reasoning behind the relationship isn't quite right. his intentions are the best, but that's about it...the other two just piss me off...half way at them for doing it, halfway at me for falling for them and leading myself on the first place...

screw age.

Turntable Jessie 11:03 PM [+]
...

i am the best partick scoggings can get realistically.

yes. sure. i feel good about that.

Turntable Jessie 12:38 PM [+]
...

"I can feel the world up on my back
I got sixteen people breathin down my neck
And it’s kinda to keep your head afloat
When the rain won't stop
And your face is soaked
But I’m alright, alright
But I'm alright, alright.
So just hang on, cause I wont be long
Just sing that song to me
Goes
I'm in love with you in love with me
Cause I'm in love with you in love with me

And I can feel your breath up on my neck
One last caress
I'm a nervous wreck
And it’s kinda hard to keep your head afloat
When the rain won’t stop
And your face is soaked
But I'm alright, alright
I'm alright, alright
So just hang on, cause I wont be long
Just sing that song to me
Goes
I'm in love with you in love with me
Cause I'm in love with you in love with me"

what you did today doesn't matter. who you dwelled upon doesn't matter either. Don't bother thinking about your accomplishments or ishaps. that's all bullshit too.

what matters is your connections. your vitality.
You're living the life.

Somtimes you fall, and up having to use covert operations to even begin to gain family respect.

And somtimes you get lucky, cause somtimes...

yeah, somtimes you end up with the best friends in the world.

Turntable Jessie 11:46 PM [+]
...

ok, done with the emotional trip... mroe of, down with the emotional trip. iw ant to talk abotu good times.

i'm not physically able to write about the good part of the rxb show. every time i try, i end up just sitting frozen thinking about matt embree with his shirt off. so you're just going to have to ask me. let's just say that i danced so hard that kasso laughed at me. priceless.

this morning was really funny in sunday school. it gives me at least semi-hope for this year. i like having dan around...tom's hair is hideous, haha, but i liek it...and of course scott and the quilt and beans...good times.

and can i just say that jasper is waaaay easy on the eyes? not to mention he sems really nice, in an inverted kinda of way... kinda like...haha, no but it's not anything like that. he's not into rock as far as i know, and that's just no somthiong i'd do.

well, do, but not do.

last ngith was good times cept for my back hurting...damn seats...but waiting in the lobby cause ryan "didn't have his license"...parralell parking..looking for matches/boxes....yeah. ithink it was better than sitting at the prunyard...

and can i just sya that i hava a way good outfit today. i'm totally all up ons..um myself...haha, not like that.

Turntable Jessie 12:39 PM [+]
...

"She loves the backseat."

i had fun, really i did, and bonding time is bonding time, but every time i miss time with the girls, i know...haha, that i'm turning into a man? maybe that's it.

i just feel like i lose ground, you know? i lose my connections.

you constantly sit behind the wheel and you forget what it's like to look at anything but the road.

i don't fucking hate you ok? i'm not sour at anyone riht now. i'm having alot of hard times, yeah, whatev. none of it has to do with the people around me. it's situations at home, dealing with what i've done in the last year (or more of haven't), and trying to figure out my faith. again.

i guess that means i should go to the church weekend, huh?

but see, that means not beign with y'all agian. that's what got me into this shit in the first place. i totally wanted to have two seperate lives...totally nto touching each other. now no one "can connect to you, 'cause you always seem like you have some secret agenda....but i know you don't"
thanks pal.

I'm not syaing that my issues don't affect anyone else. of course they do. if i sit around moping like the little bitch i am, someone's gonna end up upset. but iw ant you to know that it isn't about you. somtimes there's just things that affect way too many part of my life, and i can't really control it as much as i would like.

i really was on a roll there for a while, and the earthquake hit again.

turn the bass up, real slow,
and just let your body go.

more about today, later.

Turntable Jessie 11:30 AM [+]
...

after a while you just feel stupid...

i loved the beach. i loved how ryan didn't realize what he was doing till he was all the way in...haha, it's always kinda like that with him...well, seems like it from my point anyways.

i'm really glad we're doing stuff for laura's mom tomorrow. it makes me feel more fufilled that we care enoguh to do stuff that actually matters.

why did christian even bother coming by? i'll never know. i'm glad he did. i wished he didn't talk about what he talked about. i wanted him to tell me about him. about me. us. whatev. i frankly don't care who he fought with this summer...

and my other one... i don't understand how i fooled myself into that. i'm just not right for anyone right now. i get so caught up in the fantasy, but this time it started coming true...and then this. i'm glad that happened though, it brought me back down to reality.

that's a lie. i feel like yesterday's whore.

Turntable Jessie 11:46 PM [+]
...

I hope you're happy
While you smiled in sadness,
you were always loved.

oh marsha marsha marsha...that's how i feel tonight. but hey, bygones, you know? bygones...

tomorrow i go to the beach.

i got the marriage speech again today... certain people are waiting for the day when the perfect guy will come and find me. personally i'm waiting for the day when i can pick the guy myself, thank you very much. not that that will happen anytime soon, as we've seen...haha, unless i get involved in a truth or dare game along the way...yeah, there's a good plan.

Turntable Jessie 11:38 PM [+]
...

"Should I call you in the morning or should I just roll over?"

Turntable Jessie 10:16 PM [+]
...

They said tonight was for the taking, but it clearly wasn't mine to take.

i don't know why i'm so damn melonchaly right now. maybe it's the back ache. maybe it was getting lost in freaking oakland. i can't believe i did that.

i still feel really bad for leaving patrick's party. i know it was really important to him and all, and i just skipped out. i hate when people do that to other people, then i go do it... now, it was an important reason to leave. i wasn't just gonna leave ryan out there, i mean, come on. but i feel like i should have been more determined to make it up to him or somthing... i guess later on or somthing...

i like having my alone time, but if i have too much, things get bad. i think about things too hard, you know? that's probabaly what happened...

i saw this kid that someone i know used to deal drugs with tonight. he recognized me, but didn't say anything. for the better, given the situation...he still looks as young as he is, and that still kills me.

this is really selfish, blah blah blah, but i really wished everyone would have stayed like, 2 minuites to say hi... like, i had really wanted to see everyone, (cue overly dramatic music) and what i got was a veiw of the tail lights...haha, i know, i'm a loser...

in the truth of it, of course i'm glad i could help a friend out tonight. on the other hand, i wish i could have gone back out afterwards and had fun...i just had this feeling though that it wouldn't work...

i gotta do somthing with myself.

Turntable Jessie 12:13 AM [+]
...

back to normal posting. boring, i know.

so i have such a crush on this guy right now...i only wish you knew...but alas, i once again don't make the cut...i liked laura's way of putting me down gently:

"well...you know there's os many people to date and...well maybe it's just better to have that ambiguous friendship? you know?"

or mg's "you have every right to live in oblivion for as long as you want"

haha, you know you have good friends when they give you rad stuff like that. i know it's easy to see me being all sarcastic or bitter about this, but i'm truthfully not. i guess i'm kinda amused at myself for leading it this far when i've had a constant hunch that it wouldn't happen. it won't. thanks for stickin with me though guys. serious.

Turntable Jessie 11:53 PM [+]
...

that's the difference between you and me. i can just sit here and watch you pass me by.

i think i wrote that somewhere once...and then...

i'm just in a chill mode. things are not right with me, but i know they are on the up side.

School is working well for me. My schedual is working out just as i had planned it, if not better. i feel as if i have school one day, work the next, and i like it. drama and journalism are projects for me now. i love them, and they love me. haha, as i say that, i imagine the distant god of underworld photo journalism is rising from his tomb after a summer of rest, waiting to clench his thirst with my hard earned film and blood...
let's just say i enjoy it.

i'm stressed about the directing project. i promised clinton and burnside i would assistant direct for them. we talked about that since last year. it doesn't makes sense to me why smith would attempt to have a student direct two 10-minuite plays at once, but refuse someone else to direct one and help another for two weeks. once again, i am baffled and a bit apprehensive about it.

i most of my picures in photo albums. i was afraid it would make e feel like a sellout (my pictures are that close to me), and it does, but in a way it makes me proud. it's like they're displayed for someone to see like i want them to be seen, in my order, with my comments. just a little bit proud.

my parents are going crazy. i am convinced that if my dad works another year like he is working now, he's going to fall into a coma. he goes to work at 6, comes home (meaning he doesn't eat until) 8, works on the computer for a few hours, sleeps, then gets up at four for a conference call. everyday. it's just not healthy.
not healthy physically and mentally. he's always tense, and always on the edge. the smallest thing can set him off. this means lots of fighting with me and my mom. i just wish he could relax. my mom's just as stressed about it, seeing as he's just not his normal self. most of the time i wish that i would just hurry the hell up and go to college and that they would move and that they would both go back to school and do somthing hey actually wanted where they actually wanted. i don't know if they ever will.
they make huge attempts to have "family time" but it always gets messed up because of work...lack of conversation...whatev. the thing i wish they wouold understand is that i do love them as parents, and all things considered, they have been/are incredible parents. they don't seem to believe me when i say that. they figure that i'm just another teenager who hates her parents. but i'm not. i only get angry when they don't trust me with that.

i miss my grandparents alot.

i know i said i didn't want to spill to myself, but here is/was the church incident....somthing almost happened with me and matt. we decided it would be a good plan to get it over with. we went to the party, ditched everyone, and i backed out. i realized that there were people in life that i cared about more than him, and that it wasn't fair to tell him he was the only one. i also came to the point where i just didn't want another first to be wasted on a fling. i mean, i've never actually had a boyfriend, and look where i am. it's a bit revolting actually. so i said no. there was a fight, some screaming. he threw this glass at the wall, it broke...everyone figured we knocked it off the table.

it was the most fucking scary event of my life.

now that's said.

i saw shep today for the first time in four months. i was so happy to see him i kissed him on the cheek and punched him...half because of somthing he said, half out of tradition. it made me feel a bit relieved.

i'm really excited for halloween. a party, a rally, kick ass costumes that will go down in history...

yes, i have a crush on someone, but it's trivial. i really was serious about it for a bit, but now it's just somthing that keeps me wanting to do my gov homework. it's amazing motivation actually, but i'm not making any moves until i figure out what he thinks one way or the other...coffee, cds, and echos of "tchernio boychev if you ever touch her again i'll kill you" may ring in my head, but i can't help but realize that i'm just not what he wants.

i'm considering going to san francisco state. yes , i'm thinking about going to college again.

and i guess that brings me to the posse....how bout i just break this down. i'm in such a laid back mood right now that i don't care what hell it's going to cause me later...

i like my friends, alright? guilty as charged. and i for one, am not up for wasting that on somthing small.

let's start near the beginning of the alphabet. sounds good.
i think beth is an amazing person. the other night,s he totally asked how i was doing...she's always up for a good talk... it bums me out somewhat that she had to go through all of that stuff recently, but on the other hand, every does it at some point, right? yes, there's the pessimism, but as i've said a million times before, it's nto always a bad thing. i mean, i can't say that i don't have opinions, you know? i think people need to have the confidence in themselves that when someone says "no, that's stupid", they can look at their own beliefs and make a decision on what they think on it, and stick to it...be it a movie or a life decision. none of this "you said it sucked so i'm gonna get wrapped up" buisness...

i think it's really awesome that mady's sticking with the tennis team this year. i don't know why, i just admire it... i guess it's cause she new what she was getting into, like how many new people there'd be, etc...but she didn't really question it, she jsut did it. i admire that in people.

carlie's just cool like that. we never really get to talk or anything much, but you just get that vibe from hanging out with her that she knows what she's doing... i wish she'd speak up a little more, cause alot of times i don't really know what she's about, you know...i'm tlaking force that girl to a girls night out...haha, more like force jason away form her so she can go on a girls night out.

bryan is such a cool guy, and i can't express to you how happy i am that he's hanging out with us again. the other day i gave him a ride home, and he was totally game for girl talk, it was classic. driving around kendricks housing development..trying to find the damn road, me whining about my problems..."that's a court...court...another court...a plaza...wait, what the hell is a plaza??...oh, crap, it's another court..." haha...

somtimes i'll be chilling with erik and kim, and erik will ask kim "why do you even go out with me?" it's not like he questioning the relationship or doubting it or anything, he jsut kinda takes a step back and wonders why what they have is so good. i feel like that with ryan, without, of course, the mushy romantics. i ahve no actual clue why ryan and i are such good friends. there's no particular thing you cna trace it to. i thought there was, but there isn't. and that's somehow totally ok. i'm kinda glad he's not hoein' it at the moment. i mean, i totally apporve opf whatever he feels like he wants to do, i guess it just makes me feel better for him that he has one, not 90...haha

kasso kasso... so sweet. honestly, i don't thinkt here's anyone int he posse that's as honest and sincere as she is...no, i'm not as good of friends with her as i'd like to be, but i know that there are good times to come, cause none of the times in the past have been bad...kasso, if you're reading this, we still need to trade stories..haha

billy i cross my fingers for. he's got it under control, i know, but it's one of those things where you watch one of your friends go through an exact pattern of somthing that happened to you, and you just kinda worry, but also just breathe a sigh of relief, cuase i know that billy can take it, and that he's determined to figure himself out. i wish more people would do that. i feel bad on him when people kinda pounce on his ideas...don't go all skitzo on me, i'm not syaing they should stop, i know they have valid reasons, whatever. i just know how it feels when you know somthing is true for yourself, but everything and everyone tells you you're wrong.

laura. yeah...i still love laura like a best friend, but in the past few weeks, i realized what a selfless idiot i was being. i'm the one whose always talking about just taking change for what it is and working with it, and i was whining to go back to how things were. in other words, right now, i will say that i know nothing abotu laura at this moment. i get the vibe frm her that she's having a blast ding her thing, and that's what's important. i can say that without shame, cause i know that as her friend, i just want her to do herself right.

jessica my namesake... everytime jessica goes on a good guy hunting trip, i miss out by defualt. it's quite dissapointing, cause i know we could have some wicked times together...not togetehr together, but haha, you know. she appeals to my fuck it and go have fun side, which i really can't tap into with too many other people in the posse.

and what about susan? i wish susan could hang out forever... like, somtimes she takes a little while to get into the groove of hanging out, but it's totally cool, cause when she does, we party hardy...and she has the best way of giving advice ever. like, no matter what i say to her, she has somthing sensible to say about it. be it burrows or family shite...

Valerie I am proud of for getting through all that she has. I wish she would realize hwo highly we all think of her. Everyone always talks about how they wish they had some confirmation that she even liked us..haha, that’s how much we love her…val is the only degrassi member who has real reaches in the drama dept…sometimes I worry about the fact that someone is going to know about all the stupid things I do, but then I sit back and laugh and just realize how lucky I am to have someone to experience it with.

jason will live through this year. he will be sucsessfull, good on the track, and continually better and better as a lover and friend. while there is no question of whether this will happen or not, i'm pretty proud of him.

maggie is a great kid, and i am glad things are straightening out with her. she's one of those people who doesn't have much shit to deal with, but when it rains for her, it pours. i just cross my fingers that she'll make the decisions that will be good for her. and no matter whether i agree or disagree or never even know about what she chooses to do, i totally support her. after all, i don't put up with someone for 7 years for nothing. haha...

matt played this song at the party on friday, before the fiasco...i know it's a love song, but even as i was singing it, all i could think of was singing it to the posse...my very own italian family...which i guess was a mjor contribution to later events of that night...but whatever. here it is...

Am I the only one that feels alone?
Though, all is home
Emotions flow.
Am I the only one that hears the tears run down my face ?
Would anybody recognize at all?

Cause I know
I'm so slow
But I'm still trying
And I'm still dying to know
Say you won't leave for the rest of my life

Life's the only thing that deals the pain
Like pouring rain
Breeding hate
And I don't wanna do no wrong
My God, it's been so long
Please comfort me
Before I go insane

Cause I know
I'm so slow
But I'm still trying
And I'm still dying to know
Say you won't leave for the rest of my life...


i know it sounds negativeand all, but when you hear the music, you realize that it's really a realizationt hat there is someone there...no matter who that might end up to be...i know, i'm tacky.

i try.

Turntable Jessie 6:30 PM [+]
...

so i still can't have comments, but i can at least have a title. so there. this si really petty, but i'd like to commplain about the fact that the blogger you see on a pc is diferent than a blog on a mac. so i'm always posting iin different boxes...haha, ii know, i know, i think the phrase is "deal with it"

Turntable Jessie 4:35 PM [+]
...

ok, so this one is verging on a calll for assistance...

i don't know what i'm doing anymore...i'm just so....tense... and i really need to spill some shit... i'm sick of not saying things, you know? but you can't just spill it to yourself all the time. not when you're me anyways... i talk to myself alll the time...but when you imagine the fact that you're closed up in you room, you realize that you just need to talk to some one...

haha, in other words, if you don't want to hear the sob story, better run. otherwise...
call or somthing.

Turntable Jessie 8:54 PM [+]
...

order of events
friday:
school
ryan's hair ("it looks nice....in spots")
cosentinos...yeah, i'm good for the weekend too
the dance... so dirty, but decent
THE JEALOUS SOUND>>>>>>OH MY GOSH... i'm getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it
weinershcnitzel...the fullest i've ever seen it
Saturday
coffee with beth
san francisco
finding market/mission
finding pink shirts
"you see, girls have neverending energy. they just have to go into the bathroom, put on a little makeup, and they're good to go. boys have to go into the shower, soap up...and you know... it just takes a little time! you have to give boys a break for that honey"
maagie's
sunday
church. first day of sunday school. one of two seniors...oh well
coffee
cds....thank heavens
laura's...oh the sights and sounds....the sounds....
more coffee
youth group....arrrrggg...old maid...master....cardboard tube fights...SO much fun
dinner with the church crew....oy

and how do i feel? like i got hit by a greyhound. and dying. i feel like dying.

Turntable Jessie 10:48 PM [+]
...

"That's why he's being so nice! He's happy with his life now!"

i'm not being sarcastic with this. it's this easy, simplistsic happiness that makes high school worth it for me.

Turntable Jessie 10:14 PM [+]
...

look, i'm sorry if it made you angry.

and i'm not trying to be bitchy about it either... you know me well enoguht o know that when somthing happens, i get so mad i could kill someone for like 15 minuites. then it cools off. yes, i'm imature and lame because of it. you don't have to tell me that. but could we maybe just try to work on it instead of just ranting off? i'd like to try...

i have fun with my friends, and i kills me when a)they can't have fun too and b)don't understand where i'm coming from.

i wasn't trying to be malicious. i just wanted to hang out.

Turntable Jessie 3:07 PM [+]
...

i don't exactly take that back either... let's just say it's ...overshadowed...

"never take it back."...deal

anyway, tonight...i continued to feel like an idiot...haha, a little less of an idiot i guess... but still an idiot...oh well. there's always johnny depp, right?

thanks to all who've helped me through this worthless peice of shit crush. heh.

Turntable Jessie 11:08 PM [+]
...

i can't believe you're letting me down like this.

you of all people,w ho claimed they couldn't stand small talk... i haven't seen you my friend, in so long. and no, the nights with the posse don't count. you know it's not the same. i'm just jealous, ok? some of us have people to run to, some of us don't. and i don't happen to right now.

i ditched everything for my friends, and now they're "too far above me".

i feel like i'm ust cleaning things up and burying them. everywhere. cleaning up matt's porn, pretending these lame ass conversations never happened... i kinda want to deal with somthings that's mine, you know? but i'm really not that exciting apparently.

i know, i know, cry me a river. story of my life, believe me.... i just need somone to make me feel better than i do now...

Turntable Jessie 7:47 PM [+]
...

last night i had a dream that i made love with jason webely in the woods next to the outhouse.... october 4th, here i come...heh

Turntable Jessie 2:55 PM [+]
...

Which Band Should You Be In? by couplandesque
Your Name
Band Name	Incubus
Role	Guitarist
Trademark	Extreme Sassiness
Love Interest	Girl Who Works At Starbucks
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

Turntable Jessie 11:45 AM [+]
...

an interesting end to the day... lots of trouble early on, as said before...everyone wanted to come over, which was totally fine, but i guess i was kinda hoping that we could do somthing outside or somthing intead of inside...but of course i was wrong,a nd it turned out pretty damn fine...

driving with jason is always fun. i hadn't done it in a while... billy hit his sugar low and started totally zoning out...and farting...

billy, can "one burbon..." be our song? i hope so. i think i'm goign to consider it that whther you like it or not. cha.

ryan blatently pointed out to me that i couldn't find anyone as good as him. unfortunately i couldn't think of a rebutal.... you know, i suppose i'll actually have to find someone decent (fine, someone "as good as ryan"...haha), but right now i really don't want to. i'm fucking 17, and i want a relationship where we can both fuck each other up...just to do it.

haha, can i just mention how horrible my senior pics are? i look srunk in half of them...i'm just sooo not photogenic...like, is eriosuly do not want these anywhere in my house...haha

Turntable Jessie 12:37 AM [+]
...

today isn't good for me... i feel so gross.. i can't type right, i can't see, so i have to wear my stupid glasses, i'm hot and i feel so clostrophobic. i feel really bad for my mom when i'm like this. she came in to give me some laundry that she did and all i wanted was for her to be out of my space. i can't really describe it. it's just like, i get this intense emotion of hate whenever anyone is within 10 ft...not all the time, just when i'm like this..i feel like getting away, driving somewhere, but there's no where to go. i have to go grocery shopping, but that means coming right back....my dad says i have to learn how to change a fuse in my car. i already know how. i was the one who fixed it the last time, remember? but whatever. i just wish it could wait for tomorrow. or at least a few more hours... that's why this whole thing sucks so much. if it was really strong for like, one week every year, that'd be so much better...but nope. i have 24 hours twice a month of hell slight enough to piss me off...i can't even do anything with myself... i can't clean, can't talk...crap...tomorrow better come soon....

Turntable Jessie 5:23 PM [+]
...

i was going to write this fatty thing, but i can't type right now, so i'll make it more of just points:

~ HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARLIE
~ "you smell bad, just like your wife!!"
~ i ADORE having girl talks with susan...she's so frickin great..."well, see, you're just making him work harder!". she's awesome
~ spin the bottle was horrible but hilarious. and if i hear "nibble ear and touch below waist" one more time i'll puke
~ ah, mrs peck..." well billy, i'm glad you're still wearing socks...." haha
~ jason nibbling kasso's ear? who woulda thought...carlie really does do him good...hehe
~ i actually loved the fact that all of our friends are so close that we can just do that kind of stuff without a flinch...it kinda makes me laugh actually
~ ooh, this just in. i'm going to hire a personal assistant to follow me around and remind me when somone is hitting on me...genious..haha
~ to add to that, i was just informed that the best pick up line is "is it worth it? let me work it. put my thing down flip it and reverse it..."...any takers? haha
~yes valerie, we are meant for each other. let's just accept it and screw each other... spin to win! hahaha

***can i just note that in the last 15 minuites, my morale went up about 90%?? reading happy journal entries and hearing a beloved goodnight can mean the world

~ I'm actually kinda excited for the dance on friday. i feel liek partayin...so much in fact that i'm considering skipping the show. i told you already that i'm settling down. (haha, shut up, i'm serious). i don't liek running from place to place if i'm happy at one spot...but it is the j*sound...only time will tell. either way, i already ahve my out fit picked out, and no, i'm not ashamed of that.

~nights like this are the best for me. i get shaky and sick, but i can still hold that good mood. go team.

Turntable Jessie 2:22 AM [+]
...

you can almost feel it.

Turntable Jessie 10:48 PM [+]
...

haha, a sample ryan jessie convo:

me: he's a bane of my existance. I can't believe he's not over it yet!! it was like 6 months ago...he still won't talk to me.
ry: wait, then aren't you a bane of his existance?
me: what?
ry: well if you... (note: this is where i cut him off like usual)
me: well by me being his bane he's inadvertantly becoming mine.
ry: wow.. you don't have very big banes...
me: what?
ry: You're banes must be REALLY small....


oh jeez....haha

Turntable Jessie 10:18 PM [+]
...

alright, deep breath... i'm going to try to clear up and orginize what i just tried to say.

~I feel so happy for my friends when they find the friendship and support they deserve and want. But i still get bitchingly jealous when i get left out of the picture. the emo thing to do here would be to say "alas, i will just have to carry on alone" but fuck that shit. i want a steady friendship dammit.

~call me a girl who can't give the right impression, but i'm keeping my friends as friends. extremely good friends, yes, but nothing more. i'm a shameless flirt when it's the end of the summer and i have nothing to lose. it doesn't mean anything though, because... well, not much of the interaction i et with anyone is serious.

~If i want to be a bitch to you, i'll be a bitch to you. you'll know it. if i'm just being sarcastic, just go with it. it's not worth the energy to snap at me.

~ I really wish my dad wouldn't leave so much. my mom needs him here, and he needs to be somewhere steady. he's wearing out too fast.

~ I keep praying that my mom will be able to handle me leaving. i can't stay here for her.

~ so much weird stuff today. all the journalism people need to start being fucking positive about things (haha, and kaji just needs to shut the hell up...still) and all the drama people need to realize that just because smith agrees with the "class of 03 being possesive" issue, it doesn't mean that you can be possesive yourselves... jeez.

~i like our new spot. so there.

~ i don't feel like lying or hiding names on this. lita and mg, you two are seriosuly the best friends i've ever had, but we never really hang out anymore. you know? like, the three of us. just talking. even once every few months would do it for me... i mean, i know you guys are super close and stuff, and i've always felt really uncomfortable like... like i feel like i'm trying to be all in between you guys, but it's not like that. i think it just comes off that way, but that's totally not how i mean it to be... so instead i just stay out of it all together. and i knwo it's not very good that way. at least for me. haha, shit, does that even make sense? man, i guess now would be a good time to have a livejournal, huh? damn posting... anyhow, i really don't know what i'm saying, but i kinda do.. i just.. i wish i could be better friends with you guys than i am now, cause i've always thought that you're really awesome, and i wish that i could have what you guys have. yeah, i never know where i'm going with these things...

~i also think it's funny how i don't miss last years seniors at all.

~ and I truely am considering the blind gay man theory. seriously.

Turntable Jessie 10:47 PM [+]
...

you get what you give, eh?

iw anted out of everything, and here i am, wishing that i was back in it all. i feel majorly left out agi... feels liek sophmore year. that's not a good thing, btw...i don't know. whiney little bitch? why yes i am. but seriously, everything i said today seemed to go wrong.
i joke about one thing and get totally snapped at by a friend.. i mean, i like to be there for people, but not there as a bitch out, you know?
shunned by another friend, and i think it's because of a VERY WRONG impression that i gave... i'm not some little flirting bastard, you know? i've been fucked up with out even having been in a relationship, i'm not going to go get myself into that kind of trouble with anyone again. especially not with close friends.
i feel liek whenever i try to have a girl talk with people, it gets dismissed. yeah, i still feel like too much of a guy. i try to talk abotu looks and clothes or whatev, and it's out of the question. i just get little "oh yeah" comments... sucks... hell, i guess i even kiss like a guy. yeah, that's great...maybe i shoudl be looking for blind gay men instead...i mean shit.

i feel like i'm ready to take on anything, but there's nothing to take on. so i get concerned over these stupid little things...

i hate my house right now. my dad left again, and you can tell my mom hates it. she's baking for heavens sakes. she hardly ever bakes. she wants to go shopping for me, get things for me, help me with this, clean that for me... i seriously can't take it.

right now, i just have this need to nto be around her. she's trying so hard to make herself happy, but i just can't be what she wants, and it makes me so depressive. i'll never be pretty enough. i'll never marry the guy she wants me to marry. i'll never see god the way she does. i'll never allow her to have the place in my life that she used to have. i've had to come to terms with that myself... that in order to live my life, i can't let her control as much as she wants. that's for the both of us... it's not healthy for her either... you know, she never wanted me to know about how i was sick. like, i obviously knew about it, but she wants me to let her take car of me forever. i can handle pills every day. i need to. i just can't figure out how to make her realize how important it is to me that i know myself for who i am...



holy crap. this is just like 8th grade. parental issues. third wheeling.

third wheeling... crap, i hate this.

Turntable Jessie 10:06 PM [+]
...

i keep catching myself thanking God that this is over, but then i wonder how over anything really is.

it seems like new hope never happened. it honestly feels like it was last summer...getting lost in the woods, breaking bunks, getting walked in on in the shower...gaining more control, and looking at people i once respected, realizing that i had grown up more than them.

that's one of my least favorite feelings, by the way. looking at someone that you used to be on level with, but knowing inside that you have it so much more under control than them. and still you have no way to help them out.

And Quest actually happened too. It wasn't supposed to. the pain that went in to canceling that damn camp... it's unbelievable.. but somhow, it was pulled together. understaffed and out of control...but it happened, and i'd liketo say it helped alot of people out. i believe that's true.

so many things feel so far away...having to drive to see ryan, going to classworking regualr hours...

when you're in school, january 1st doesn't feel like new years. the first day of school does. i feel like i should make resoltions or somthing...i need to take more care of myself. i need to make sure i get into college. it's questionable at the moment, but my parents need that one...

who am i kidding here?

i just wanna have a good time. seriously. that's possibly the only thingt hat has remained the same between ths summer and last. i feel detached form myself so often. i'm watching myself grow up ages before i should have to, knowing things i shouldn't have to carry, whoring myself when i shouldn't.

i just want to have fun while i can...somtimes i wonder if it goes back to when i was little, you know? they gave me one month, then one year, then 5, then 10...it's an amazing confidence to see your "predicted lifespan" grow so quickly like that. even when you 7, it's amazing. but still, it makes you yearn for life. i wish i could describe it to you. it's like, you want to be just vivid. you want to do everything. just in case, you know.

somtimes that's the best idea i can think of.
somtimes i wonder what will happen if i really do do everything...what then?

billy, you inspire me. i'm gonna stop being a hoe...haha, actually i kinda stopped that last summer...but you really did give me a heads up on the fact that i don't want the life i have right now...thanks

so i know there's one person out there saying "well what the hell does that mean you're going to do jrock?"... well, my friend. i don't know. and i think we might wanna keep it that way. here's the gameplan: i'm gonna try like all fuck to get into college. if i don't get where i want, i'm leaving for a few months...maybe 6. i'm going to work for the methodist conference. not shitting. then i'll come back, and give it another shot... peopel keep telling me it sounds like a dumb idea...

but you know, you don't have to go home, you just can't stay here.

game on.

Turntable Jessie 8:09 PM [+]
...

Alright, quick midpoint to my end of summer stress/fun-o-rama:

starts friday (billy's b.day) morning:
-wake up spooning kasso in ryan's bed, staring at jason's underwear intertwined with a thong. yeah.
- attempt to paint the parking lot, but nooo....good raving lessons from tchernio though
- much needed frappachino
- various stops here and thereinvolving birthday presents and two sexy girls
- church at 4. starting to realize how insane the night will be.
-home for a total of 37 mins in which i
a)saw my parents
b) changed all of my night plans
c)wrapped a present
d)packed
e)changed all of my plans again, losing meaning to the packing
- to church. saw lots of middle schoolers (daniel..ay), gossiping girls, and scott. diane's b.day. good dinner, good pie.
-To the beach. while leaving the parking lot, and unexpected guest joinedmy car, enducing
a)fighting
b) cussing
c) admissions
d) more cussing
e) rememberances
f) realization/acceptance
g) and a fucking good laugh....
- beach time. gorgeous weather, gorgeous guitar playing. i'm glad i didn't have to act mad at him, would missed out on a great number of sing alongs...
- drive home. heard "self esteem" THREE times.
- to the movie theater. quick hi to compadres.
- SPINAL TAP. i'm glad everyone was there, including nick. he was great to talk to... good spirits for all actually, which is a good thing, cause billy deserves that.
-home. sleep for 5 hours.
-back to church at 8
- 8 long hours of immature boys, planning, and classic scott jokes (Host a mystery dress up murder how to)
- home to find...my car gone
- fetching the car at the stereo shop...very nice
-orchard vally w/ beth and val (and home and back, forgot my crap)
- picked up laura (don't worry L, it was fine)
- back to the cofee shop...actual work was accomplished!
- fun music times.. .lovely artwork supplied by jenny....oy
- jack in the box (IN the box....) 15 minuite cheesecake/pie..."San Diego? what the hell is that about??"
- houge
- painting....a....wall
-home...for a few hours...

man...haha

anyhow, i know this was alot rougher of a night for some people than others... i'm here for you gus...serious...i think a huge problem that we have is realizing ow much we love each other...i mean seriously. everyone i talked to tonight was asking about everyone else, not really in a nosy way either...more of a "wow, i don't knwo what's going on with this person and i'm scared for them) manner... it really is somthing amazing... i don't know. i hate not having time to talk to people right now. i hate having to drive because you can never go home when you want. you cna never really stay where you want. strangely enough... tomorrow might be good.

no, tomorrow will be fucking good. you're the one that needs to be prepared for it....

Turntable Jessie 2:12 AM [+]
...

Hee! You are Jack's "You have to find
yourself a girl, mate ... you're not a eunuch,
are you?" speech. You're quite a bit sex-
crazed, and you assume that everyone else is as
horny as you are. Get it on as soon as
possible so that you can join the rest of us on
Planet Earth ... I'm sure you'll have a good
time doing so.


Which one of Captain Jack Sparrow's bizarre sayings from Pirates of the Caribbean are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Turntable Jessie 6:26 PM [+]
...

I Don't Wanna Die Anymore
Two months of fun
Two years of pain
Add it up
And get a life of rain
need to scream
But too ashamed
it's gonna rain it's gonna rain
You wanna go you wanna stay you wanna
you really blew my world
I wanna live and there's only one way
I don't wanna die anymore
I want to live it up
I don't want this high anymore
But I can't give it up
I won't live a lie anymore
I need to give you up
Won't you save me
Two Months of sun
A life of rain
Add it up
I'm on my own aain
Need to scream
I'm so filled with rage
It's gonna rain it's gonna rain
You wanna go you wanna stay you wanna
You really screwed my world
I gotta live but you stand in the way
I'm pullin out now "UHH"
I don't wanna die anymore
I want to live it up
I don't want this high anymore
But I can't give it up
I won't live a lie anymore
I need to give you up
And oh oh baby, did you think that I was strong?
Well oh oh baby, can't ya see that you were wrong?
Oh oh honey, did you think that I was strong?
~NR

Turntable Jessie 3:05 PM [+]
...

vacation's definately over.

but, that's what they say. you start at the bottom, work your way up, and then you go back down to the bottom again.
heh, life is life, eh?

ok, check out this hoe i'm talking to:

SexEjesSi69: whos this? ur on my b\l
cabala42: um, really? this is jessie.. i live in ca
cabala42: who's this?
SexEjesSi69: jessica
SexEjesSi69: lol
SexEjesSi69: asl?
cabala42: i'm a 17 year old girl in california...you?
SexEjesSi69: 16 year old girl in texas
SexEjesSi69: ur not lezbo or bi are you?
cabala42: i'm bi
SexEjesSi69: no ur not
cabala42: haha, um, i'm not? i actually am...
SexEjesSi69: y would u like a gurl?
cabala42: i don't know. i think girls are really sexy....it's just a feeling i guess
SexEjesSi69: um ok
SexEjesSi69: well if this is a gurl then y duz ur s\n say ur a bala??
SexEjesSi69: gurlz arnt ballanz
cabala42: cabala is a word for the study of unatural things...
SexEjesSi69: ca.... californea, bala, a balla
SexEjesSi69: im not stupid
cabala42: look it up on dictionary.com or whatever. i'm not lying.
SexEjesSi69: ok sure
SexEjesSi69: so wuts the most ud do w\ a gurl then?
cabala42: right now? umm... i guess oral
SexEjesSi69: that all? u wuldnt finger, eat out, n e thing like that?
cabala42: umm, well oral sex is eating someone out, and i consider that alot farther than fingering someone.

yeah, basically after the cabala thing i just started screwing with her, saying that i have sex with all these people, and she's still trying to figure out what oral is...geez...don't mess w/ texas i guess...

Turntable Jessie 1:53 PM [+]
...

i suppose i should write about my trip? well, it was a good one. even with my parents there, we avoided the mass amount of fighting with relative ease...consider it a partial sucsess.

i'm just really glad to be home now.

i don't know how to start this topic in a clever manner. that's how bad it is. sorta.

so once again i've let myself be stabbed in the back by a stupid church boy.
i wasn't even too much of a hoe this summer, you know? they said that i had gotten some sense.
but honestly, if this was going to happen anyway, couldn't we have been screwing around the whole time? at least there would have been a good side...

do you notice the part where i'm trying to convince myself that it doesn't matter?

matt, i'm ending this. our little soap opera extravaganza doesn't frankly fit with me any more. and i'm sorry to say that i think what you did is really immature. the two of us have always kinda been like that, you know? but it really sucks that you had to take it down like like that. don't call right when you get back but... hell i don't know. what i want to say is that....look, i still remember what it's like to want you, but i think you're a moron for fucking me up like that. so call me if you decide to get over this whole thing and grow up a little bit. i have.
until next summer right...right...haha, sorry babe, but i can't help but type out this one...

lyrics which should be taken be SEVERAL people i know...

In the car
we were looking for ourselves,
but we found each other.
In the car
we were groping for reasons
not to be alone anymore.
In the car
we were waiting for our lives
to start their ending.
In the car
we were never making love.
we were never making love.

we were never making love.

Turntable Jessie 10:13 AM [+]
...

today my chances for world domination improved as i learned how to drive a speed boat. "Dar" says i'm a natural. Savvy.

last night, i was lectured through an e.mail. i've chosen to respond to it here as i found it massly entertaining. here were it's major complaints.
i'm "too nosy": thanks much, but i'm satisfied with it.

i "worry too much about society": it's not society that kills me, it's the people around me.

i should stay out of other people's love lives: possibly true. however, my vent last night came from me reading about three cases of people being questioned about their past loves/flings/whatever. i just didn't feel like hearing about it. haha, on the other hand, comments about "watermellon matt" never cease to amuse me. if you haven't hear the story, remind me to tell you.

i should try finding a NICE BOY: well we tried that, didn't we babe? and just look what happened. (ooh, i know, it's cold. hehe). i and i know you don't agree with my crushes/experimentations, but trust me, i'm over whatever i had last night. lets call her a disease. but yes, i'll fuck up in the future, and no, i don't mind that. in fact it makes me a little more relaxed.

aha, sorry to rip through that. no harsh feeling here, all very sarcastic if you couldn't guess that from it being me...anyway, more tonight love.

Turntable Jessie 4:04 PM [+]
...

and the travels around the world ensue. one time tony looked me in the eye and said "i know what it is. jessie, do you want to know what pisses me off about you?" well, i hardly listen to tony anyway so i give him a classic vaguegly interested -what? and he says -because you never stay in one place.
i guess it's true, whether tony hates it or not.

last night was the ineveitable party at elizabeth's. every year, those things get weirder and weirder. or should i say, more and mor alcoholic....
"LOOK AT ME! I DON'T SAG!!! My breasts are firm! Jessie don't listen to this...well, wait, maybe you should..."
yeah. that's that. haha.
than home for some good old fashion home movies. they ere actually very cool. my grandma's family was decently well off and owned one of the first home video cameras..some very cool stuff. however, i'd like to complain about my dad's movie watching skills. i just kept thinking, damn, shut up and let her talk about it. what she rememebrs about those people is what's important, not where the house was, when it was knocked down, what year the car was...oh well...

oh, and as we get later into the films, we get this pleasent scene from my aunt's birthday in 1986. we're watching her open presents and she pulls out this hideous zebra print shirt...god it was ugly. but it's the 80's so everyones like -oh wow, that's nice leigh anne! and my grandma proclaims loudly "well you know, that's what they're ALL wearing these days.." haha

but now to the unavoidable vent.

Flordia is famous for making people horny. ecspecially up here. i know exactly what it is. it's the humidity. it's so warm and perfect in the dark.. it makes your skin just a little bit sticky, so it's like, you're already a step ahead in the lovin ordeal. you don't have to get hot and bothered, you already are. but alas, there is no one here. frankly, no one at home either. florida is amazing for my self confidence as well as horrible. on one hand, i feel hotter in florida. my hair looks sexier and it's just... i don't know, a vibe. on the flip side, i have my aunt and grandma scolding me for not wearing shorts, not being thin, not having big boobs (or at least wear a push up bra)...acording to them, these are the reasons i don't have a boyfriend. and well, they're probabaly right...but whateever. if you're out of luck you're out of luck, you know?

but to the bottom of the vent. there's this girl, and she drives me crazy. they always say that people just tend to like whoever's around, and how bad that is. but for lord's sake if you don't like the people that are around, who are you going to like? you know.

anyways.

she's not my type. heh, or rather, i'm not hers if you catch my drift. so it's a proclaimed lost cause. i decided that before i elft. but seriously, i think about her somtimes. i was on the beach last night (alone. haha, i know, cry me a river..), and i couldn't help it. now, i'm not syaing i'm masturbating while calling out her name, cause i'm not, but she crosses my mind a bit to often. i think that's a bad thing. i know it's a bad thing. whatever. i just want to have a good old fashioned messed up high school relationship before..well, before i'm out of high school basically. haha, but appently that's not an option until i lose 40 pounds and buy that push up bra...shite...heh.

oh, and while on the topic, livejournals being a hoe, so i can't respond to some things. but basically
-BE PROUD OF YOURSELF!!! don't be ashamed when you happen to be AMAZING at an ::ahem:: unnamed sport and your reaping the benifits of it! i've been bragging about you to all sorts of people. it's a huge thing, and i'm so proud of you...

-lovin is lovin. whether you're making eyes, making out, frenching, or "devirginizing" in the back of a car, if you're happy with it, than you're good to go. don't listen to anyone else. and if you have the nerve to bug soemone about it, then you can just go buy yourself a desperate hoe, cause it's all your gonna get acting like that...haha, i don't really mean that, but it seriously bugs me when people do that. end.

Turntable Jessie 4:34 PM [+]
...

i just flew in from wyoming, and man, are my arms tired.



tired enought htat i don't want to leave again. i'm getting to old for this...

heh, like hell i am.

actually, i kinda just don't wanna leave my friends. i like them a bit too much, and am going to miss hanging out greatly. that's the thing about flordia. you hate to be there alone. there's so many beaches and so many gorgeous nights that it sucks not having your friends there, wherever you're coming from...not to mention...well, yeah, you know those stupis imature crushes you get on people? yeah, of course you do.... i'm trying not to let it happen, cause i have a feeling i'll only end up jealous. heck, i'm already jealous... screw online journals... screw girls, screw guys... whatever. fine. i'm leaving.

hell. haha.

Turntable Jessie 10:00 AM [+]
...

billy better be saving that lj code for me. if not, oh well, i'll pawn it off someone....

from the sounds of it, things are the way they should be. things are supposed to change when i leave, not stay exactly the same until the night i get back...so things are back to normal, thank heavens. i congradulate maggie on her landmark driving!! i really wish i was there g, really really. sounds like it was awesome.

like i said, things change, and my dreams change without me knowing about the change of things (heh, can you tell i'm high on meds right now?)

i had this dream last night, and it's frickin hilarious. so me and laura are in a hotel room (i truthfully don't know why) and we start making out. like, for the fun of it.

here is where i must note the difference between a sex dream and a non sex dream. sex dreams involve human interaction that gets your heartbeat up and even turns you on. other dreams may have making out, sex, s&m (juuust kidding) or whatever, but they don't turn you on, it's just an aspect of the dream. this dream was a non sex dream.

now that we have that cleared up, lets resume.
so me an laura are making out on the bed, just kissing and whatnot. maggie walks in, and she's like, oh i want some of this action, so she joins in. it gets a little hotter and heavier, the action speeds up, a few peices of non-vital clothing are removed, whatever. now the good part. Ryan walks in with this girl. he's telling her "we'll just stay for a sec, i want you to meet my friends, they're awesome..." then he see's us. He just starts laughing, and the girl looks at him like "who the hell are these freaks..." and he just turns her right back around and walks her out of the room going "well they're a bit wrapped up at the moment...let's o see if we can find billy (at which point billy appears and joins them)...
then the best part. Jason walks in. he doesn't notice us at first, cause he had all these suitcases and boxes with him, but he puts them down, sees us, and his eyes get REALLY big...then his mouth drops open and he exclaims "OH SHIT."
haha, now, i know it was just a dream, but even thinking about jason emitting these words makes me laugh.. back in the dream we're all like "jason! get out of here, this is private!"(which it obviously isn't, cause the door's unlocked) and he leaves, shaking his head in idsbelief...end of dream.

yeah, things change. hehe.

alright, i'm going to admit somthing, just between you and me, internet. heh.

i'm homesick as hell. all i want to do is go home, go to work, hit up class and chill with my friends. this leaving thing just isn't cutting it for me... i know it's just one day till i'm home but than i leave again...ugh. i don't get like this very often. oh well. all i can do is hope and pray that when i get home i can enjoy my three nights. somtimes, when you're gone, you have to speand a night readjusting. you know? like, speanding a night catching up, just sitting quietly while the new inside jokes come up. drive by yourself a little bit. it's paying your dues is what it really is... but couldn't i just take it on credit this once? hope so....

Turntable Jessie 8:42 PM [+]
...

i'll copy this over as well.

I'd like to call it the airport miracle.

it's one thing to say that you're changing. and it's a step farther to look yourself in the mirror and say it again. But when you actually notice a change in yourself without initiating the change, you know there's no turning back.

i almost died on the way to SFO. my dad had a conference call to make, and in my stupidity, i had left my mom's car without gas. so we had to take the jeep, which meant that my dad wouldn't be able to hear half of the conference call with the wind flapping around the jeep and such. enter a series of swear words and door slamming from my father. he was so deep in anger that he wouldn't let me drive. he took a "i'm obviously the smart and able on here" attitude and wouldn't let me do it. so we almost died on the highway while he chatted it up to somone with a conversation that clearly wasn't worth our lives.
got to the airport. it was a zoo of course. but everyone was so irratble. i mean, i actually saw a lady physically push someone who worked at the counter! what brings a human being to do that i don't know. none of my buisness i suppose. heh.

so there was mass confusion as to what line i was supposed to be standing in. an hour away from my flight, i had already accepted the fact that i missed my plane. and i had no problem with it. that was the change. and it continued that way. even through two line switches, my dad griping very loudly at me, i just felt secure. it was like, i was looking at things in a new way. i was dissapointed that this huge mass of people couldn't hold it together, but i just had this feeling of...security, that if i kept my cool and did what i needed to do in the best attitude possible, it would be fine.

and it was. i did miss my plane, but i kept my disposition up enought that it didn't matter. the guy who rearranged my flight actually thanked me and commented that he wised more people had attitudes like mine. i kid you not. and if that's not a sign, i don't know what it.

so then i had about a two hour wait till my flight. my dad and i wandered into the international terminal (he couldn't get past the gates in the regular one so we could find somewhere to eat). anyhow, i felt so...accomplished. my dad had been right there the whole time, but i did it myself. killed it with kindness. i didn't even try to help him deal with his stress (i mean, it wasn't even his flight). i just let him deal with it and took myself into my own hands. this security prompted me to saying things to my dad that i don't think i've ever been able to say in such fullness.

i looked him in the eye (we were talking about college. what else does my family talk about) and said "i'm not so sure i want to leave the church conference."
and when he said "well, of course, moving to a college somewhere else is a challange, but i know you'll overcome it", i was able to truthfully tell him "no, actually that's not what i mean. i mean i'm considering not going to college."

i think at that point he almost fell out of his chair (oh, you know i'm smiling just thinking about it). but i could see a change in his face as he figured that i didn't mean it and moved on in the conversation ("texas has good schools....") as if i hadn't said it. he didn't undersatnd, and i doubt he ever will. but i think i'm losing touch with what i thought before and moving on to the fact that i want to do what i want to do. and i plan to do it. i'll try everything in my power to make my parents confortable with that, but that problem is theirs, not mine.

i know this sounds odd, but i don't think i've ever been this strong. when a girl liek me goes through things like i have, you gain nothing but strength. and thank God.



i have a sinus infection. middle of summer and i'm sneezing like no tomorrow. oh well, but it gives me whole lot of boring time to do for things: drink, pee, think, and sleep. that's what i've been up to.

i worry for home, and part of me wants to be there. here comes that bluntness. watch out.

maggie, val already said it, but i'm really proud of you too. I'm not sure if you realize it, but you do have a group of friends that savagely loves you. and even though some are slow, they all care when they find out how things are. i can't speak for anyone else on this, but i know that i've been keeping an eye on you for a bit. i can tell when things aren't good with you, call it a psycic connection. but i can also tell that you're a really awesome kind of person that can take it on the chin when she knows she has to. hang in there, and don't let the little things get to you. i miss you alot while i'm here....somthing else i wanted to say...just something small what was it.....oh yeah FUCKING CONGRADULATIONS ON THE CARRRR!!! note the rrrrs. yeah, those backseat confessions. i'm down for that. ;)

laura i won't lie to you. i'm freaked out about our friendship right now. for strange ways, but i'll try to explain. i know that when times are hard, you have to keep trak of ytourself, and i know that you've been having pleanty of those hard times. i understand that. like g said, i can't lie and say i don't miss you somtimes. when you're with us, you always seem a bit down. or a lot don. i'm not blaming you for this, telling you to stop, whatev. i'd be the wrong person to say that. but i do want to say that it tears me up to see you like that. really. to tell the honest truth, when we go out at night or whatever, i seriously stop and think, damn, i hope laura has a good time tonight. because you need that, we all need that. when you're down, we all go down. a testiment to good friendship.... so i have dreams and remember them? right? and i don't have too many bizzarre one, more real life stuff. and i'm really superstitious about them. i believe in them, and i believe that i hear things through them. these last few days of me speanding time in bed, i keep having these dreams of my friends. and in everyone you're in, we fight. i always say somthing stupid and you get mad at me and leave. in every one. i know that we're not fighting or anything like that, but those dreams make me realize how far apart we've gotten. i hate it like that. i can't really stop thinking about it when i wake up, they just stick with me. it's like i want to be there for you so bad, but i cna't be.a nd i'm not talking about being in wyoming or whatever, i'm tlaking about even at home. i try to be there, other people try to be there. but it still rips me apart that you have to feel so alone... i know, i know, life like this. that's the way it is. thanks avril. but if there's anyway that you can think of that would help, i really want you to tell someone. i want to see you sink deeper. i don't know what else to say.

and everyone else i just fucking miss. flat out. it's really cold right now (i think it's just my fever) and i think my fingers are about to break off, so i'm going to stop. but i want you to know that...i miss you...i miss you so....

Turntable Jessie 8:06 PM [+]
...

and back on my word i go.

i really wouldn't be posting here, but the lj code didn't work, and even if it did, i should be packing, not making journals.


i hold onto people so dearly. it amazes me everytime that no matter how in the shits people are, there are still people around to lift them up.

now i don't mean, to get all religious on you, but through those people, i see God. I go to church to learn about God, but rarely do i see him there. it's out in every day life. where things that should never have gone wrong go right, where people come together.
that's where it is for me.

and tonight, as jumbled as i still am, i feel such security in seeing these amazing people with me. it's people like you guys that keep me going, you know? that give me a passion to go and make things better instead of sitting around. and my only hope is that i can be like you guys are. and i mean that.

here's what i plan to later put in my livejournal:

i smell like rain and the beach. it reminds me of a hurricane, and i like it.

today mag, kasso and i went to davis for ryan's presentation. he didn't knwo we were going to be there, and to tell you the truth, neither did i. it was completely last minuite. because of this, not very many people got to come or even knew about it, which made me feel kinda bad. but it was just the kinda thing and the kinda timing that doesn't reach a whole lot of people. so if it upsets you, i'm sorry, don't take it personally.

but i'm really glad we went. from hitting pedestrians at de-asia to overly chocolate paistries to running savagely through the uc davis halls, it was a blast. and the look on ryan's face when he saw us was priceless. i had been really worried that we would mess him up or somthing, but he saw us right before he started, which turned out to be great timing. anyway, it was good to see him, even if he did scare the shit out of me by looking 30 years old when he walked up...

alright ry, you're hair doesn't look that bad...haha

so we hit the road to go home. we took a... detour? oh yeah. straight (yes, straight) through san francisco. i really was freaking out. now of course i can't figure out why. i should have just taken a breath and realized that i had a gorgeous and completely competent (at directions of course) co-piolet and another gorgeous co-co-piolet/daydreamer/creatie-eater in the backseat.

well, ok, i did realize that after a while. which is when i decided to just go with the flow, making it extremely hard for me to actually go to class when we got back AT FIVE O CLOCK.

five maggie. you owe me.

leading to a lovely outing with friends. it was fun having everyone in one car. good times indeed. good way to speand a last night before travel.

i had some issues today with... problems. girl problems, and i mean girl problems (no, not my period. heh.)... i think i was feeling some things i shouldn't have felt about people i shouldn't have... both good and bad... i'm not quite ready to spill yet, but as the details come up.. yeah, they'll come up.

and so i sit here, staring at two physical signs of friendship that i know i'll hold forever...thinking of these kids that i'm watching grow up, and wondering how it is that we still love each other... and even letting my mind wander to things i should think about...

wyoming? can you handle this?

i don't think you can handle this.

Turntable Jessie 1:21 AM [+]
...

clouds come, clouds go.



i've done alot of thinking lately. hence a lack of serious posting. it's been about two weeks of serious contemplation and re-contiplation.

i've thought about the past, where i was. where i thought i was going. and where did i end up? where the fuck am i right now? i frankly can't say. and dealing with that fact is one of the hardest things i've ever done...

and even though i don't know what or where it is, i know i need to walk away from it.

i can't deal with the way i am right now. these last two weeks, i've been so...angry. angry at people, angry at myself angry at california, angry at God, angry at missed chances.

and it's those missed chances that i can't afford anymore.

today and uesterday being so overcast was a sign for me. it took me back in time just enough to see what i saw then. the hopes i had and the ambitions i followed. it threw me so deep into myself that i found myself in a random park i the middle of the night, crying my eyes out. i was literally talking outloud. to myself, to God, to the bugs running around in the grass. i complained about the cards i'd been dealt, complained about friendships,

and threatened to end it all.

and for a few minuites, i think i actually meant it.

but of course, i didn't have the nerve.

but now that i'm back here, sitting at this damn computer, i'm realizing a few of my own self truths. i'm realizing that i can't keept his all together, and maybe, just maybe, that's ok for right now. note the right now. i can't keep living different lives in different places. being a whore at church, a joker in drama, and a loser with my friends isn't working out for me. i'm only little bits of all of those things. i need some time to be my own fucking self. yes, fucking self.


i still have a fairly clean slate at the moment. everyone at church thinks i'm gone. my parents are to busy to hassle me (i never thought i'd say this, but really, good riddance to classic quality time). my friends, well, at least i know they're around. i've grown much closer to some people and horrendously far away from others, but they're there. i bought some really hot underwear yesterday. yes, seriously, that helps.

and finally i have the realization that i've lost sight of what i stand for. i've always kept my morals in mind, but i've just been following them because their my morals. for a while, i stopped remembering about why they're my morals. i want to keep remembering that now.

tonight i'm going to ask billy for his lj code. but no, i'm not giving up. i've been collecting...peices let's say for sometime now concerning a new blog. instead of starting a new one, tose peices will go here. i have plans, be assured. but my inventessimle ramblings will find a new place. damn my need for comments. heh.

so this is not goodbye. remember, the end is only the begining. game on.

jessie.

And i will stroll the merry way
And jump the hedges first
And i will drink the clear
Clean water for to quench my thirst
And i shall watch the ferry-boats
And they'll get high
On a bluer ocean
Against tomorrow's sky
And i will never grow so old again
And i will walk and talk
In gardens all wet with rain

Oh sweet thing, sweet thing
My, my, my, my, my sweet thing

Turntable Jessie 2:13 PM [+]
...

maggie: aww carlie, you're sucking the fun out of it.
carlie: yes, i am. die fun! die die die!
jason: (creates dramatic interpretation of dying)
carlie: JASON! you're NOT fun!

Turntable Jessie 12:24 AM [+]
...

i really have no life

[Name] Turntable Jessie
[Birthday] May 10th, 1986
[Zodiac sign] El Taurus… yeah yeah, stubborn as a bull. I know.
[Sex] often… I mean, female. Yes.

LAST PERSON WHO...

[Slept in your bed] haha, adam at camp
[Saw you cry] bobby
[Made you cry] myself
[Spent the night at your house] hmm, last day of school. Ryan jason carlie y beth I believe
[You shared a drink with] laura and maggie. Coke at carlie’s
[You went to the movies with] aw, it’s been hella days since I’ve done a movie…
[You went to the mall with] me. Only the lonely yo. haha
[Yelled at you] matt
[Sent you an email] ryan from afar
[Said they were going to kill you] nicole. Haha, waaay too many sexual inuendos at camp I guess

HAVE YOU EVER...

[Said "I love you" and meant it?] I’d like to believe so. Whether in a sibling/friendship way or otherwise.
[Gotten into a fight with your doggy/walrus/bird/fish/etc.] ah, never!
[Been to Florida?] YES! Going in a week actually…mm, warm humid air and retired people. Gorgeous.
[California?] there was this one time…at church camp…haha
[Hawaii?] hmm, I went with maggie, but all we really saw was the inside of a hotel room. Wink wink…heh
[Mexico?] No. (that means no in spanish)
[China?] no, no desire for them to die my hair black…
[Canada?] possibly at the end of the month
[Danced nekkid?] at home. Alone. Sorta rhyming.
[Dreamed something really crazy and then it happens the next day?] AH! I dreamt once that my grandpa’s microwave broke and it did!!
[Stalked someone?] haha, I only supported the crime… ooh, unless you count the downtown campbell pimp…hmm
[Had a mud bath?] nope
[Wished you were a guy/girl?] for like two seconds until I realized how stupid it was
[Had an imaginary friend?] haha, sometimes I question if any of my friends exist. Like bryan for instance…

EITHER OR...

[Apples or bananas?] bananas. The big ones at maggies house.
[Red or blue?] ooh, toughy…red? Ok, maybe blue? Hmmm let’s just say I’m bi on this question…haha
[Backstreet Boys or N Sync?] I LUV BSB 4 EVA!! Haha, first come first serve
[WalMart or Target?] oh, sooo target
[Santa or Rudolph?] santa… giving out the goods, httin on the ladies…
[Math or English?] oh lord english. I can’t add, but I’ll write you a novel about how I can’t do math,
[High school or college?] the good days out of both.

[What are you going to do after you finish this survey?] forcing my friends to go hang out.
[What was the last food you ate?] watermelon
[Are you bored?] why do you think I’m doing this? Bitch. Heh.
[How many buddies are on?] 11
[Last movie you saw?] almost famous
[Last noise you heard?] the clicking of the keys beneath my fingers..how poetic.

ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS - WHO...

[Laughs the weirdest?] probably jason. His laugh is supressed, just like his homosexuality.
[Will grow up and be a model?] ryan. In the porn catalogs. Trust me.
[Going to have the most kids?] bryan. Def.
[Have you known the longest?] hmm, g dawg. Maybe mandy.
[Is the loudest?] laura squeals and ryan’s statements (this “I need to jack off more!)
[Is the quietest?] hmm, mandy. Maybe susan. That’s one mysterious chica…
[Do you have the most classes with?] kim
[Is the weirdest?] jasoon now that his wild side has been unleashed…
[Is the funniest?] everybody…everybody
[Is the moodiest?] haha, hella me. I’m horrible.
[Can you tell most of your secrets to?] ryan, g and laura.
[Do you usually go to about all of your problems?] hmm, ryan? Bobby? G y lo lita? Anyone who’ll shut up long enough to listen. Heh.

THE LAST FEW QUESTIONS...

[Last time you went out of the state] last summer.
[Lucky number] 42 is the answer to the universe.
[Things you like in a girl/guy?] confidence and a good disposition. Someone who’ll taking fucking risks. Note the fucking in the ficking risks.
[Weirdest thing about you?] I have plumbing in my brain.
[Do you have a crush on someone?] not hugely at the moment. But it can’t hurt to have a turn on everyonce and a while.
[Do they know?] probabaly. I make things pretty obvious.
[Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?] no, nope, natta.
[What's his/her name?] maggie. I mean laura. Oh, wait, I fogot that I’m fucking ryan…haha
[What do you think of ouija boards?] I believe that weird things happen witht them once a while, but not always
[What book are you reading now?] good faith! Goood book. Screw summer hw.
[What's on your mouse pad?] three stooges. Even though I have an optical mouse…hmm.
[Favourite board game?] TWISTER
[Favourite magazine?] TOKION RULES 4 EVA!
[Favourite sound?] the first few measures of wild night
[Worst feeling in the world?] being alone.
[What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning?] mmm, nice clean sheets…
[Do you like scary or exciting rollercoasters] I get really nervous, but I like scaring myself, so yes
[How many rings before you answer?] never before the the second is over
[Future daughter's name?] rio, shawanda…
[Future son's name?] james, eddy or matt
[Chocolate or vanilla?] chocolate sauce
[Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?] my cats pretty chubby…
[If you could have any job you wanted, what would it be?] stripper. Haha, no. definitely a actres or a stage manager
[What is your favourite snapple?] lemonade
[Are you a lefty, righty or ambidextrous?] right side, but I can work the left if I need to
[Do you type with your fingers on the right keys?] no. I can type fast, just not witsh the right keys.
[What's under your bed?] records, a pillow and a heat vent.
[Favourite sport to watch] baseball!
[Did you have fun doing this] well, I can think of better things to tell you the truth.

[ 10 Bands/Artists you've seen live ] (in no particular order)
1. weezer
2. rolling stones
3. huey lewis and the news… (twice!) haha
4. duran duran
5. fenix tx (RIP)
6. the jealous sound
7. long live the bejamines
8. foo fighters..halfa set anyhow, but It was gorgeous.
9. flogging molly
10. RxBandits

[ 9 Things you're looking forward to ]
1. school
2. camp again
3. florida
4. acting again
5. ryan coming back
6. shopping
7. roadtrips
8. beack trips
9. tonight.

[08 Things You Wear Daily]
1. thongs. And that means snadals biotch.
2. underwear
3. anklet
4. a necklace
5. pants
6. toenail polish. Usually chipped.
7. a bra
8. my sexy smile…. Haha, if your blind…

[7 Things That Piss You Off] (but there are so many more...)
1. letting nights pass you by
2. not telling the truth
3. losing my stereo remote
4. me being spoiled.
5. me not having some sort of control
6. workaholics
7. regrets are worthless

[06 Things You Touch Every Day]
1. when I think about you I touch myself
2. anyone around
3. computer
4. my sheets
5. water
6. a mirror

[05 Things You Do Every Day]
1. sleep
2. talk
3. sing
4. day dream
5. laugh

[04 People You'd Want to Spend More Time or Hang out With]
1. Nicole
2. ryan. My fuck buddy.
3. cosentinos employees? Heh, juust kidding
4. my grandmother in wyoming.

[03 Movies You Could Watch Over and Over]
1. ferris bueller’s day off
2. sandlot
3. the labyrinth

[02 Of Your Favorite Songs At This Moment]
1. oasis- cast no shadow
2. jealous sound- guard it closely

[01 Person You Could Spend the Rest of Your Life With]
1. not even myself

future
[do you want to get married] if it’s nessescary
[if so, what age would you like to be married] no earlier than 28
[who will you marry] someone I can stand
[what do you want to do when you grow up] be famous.
[where will you live] in a city, in a snazzy apartment tall enough to see someone’s roof

favorites
[food] probabaly pasta… ooh, or watermelon
[movie] ferris bueller
[tv show] X-FILES!! Oooh, mulder is soo hot
[beverage] italian sodas… passion fruit flavor. haha
[alcoholic beverage] margaritas… of what I’ve tried. (haha, or if you ask matt, straight rum…ask later)
[subject] english
[teacher] burnside. Smith gets to me somtimes
[radio station] 98.5 kfox.
[book] glue… or hotel honolulu
[holiday] new years!
[sport] swimming maybe
[fast food] yeah, I’d say in and out. The name is just too tempting
[color to wear] brown or red
[number] still 42. hike.
[place to eat] buccas! Or the elephant bar…
[ice cream flavor] ooh, ben and jerry’s half bake. Or grapefruit sorbet
[do you drink] water. Driink it till your pee is clear.
[do you smoke] AH! NEVER!!
[do you consider yourself attractive] hmm, wrong person to ask. That would be a huge no.
[do you consider yourself a nice girl/boy] to whom I want ot be nice to
[do you have a cd burner] aw yeeah mutha.

the last
[thing you ate] ice cubes?
[thing you drank] jamba juice
[song you heard] the surfers- ghost
[show you watched] ay, that was like 2 weeks agao. Can’t remember
[thing you said] yeah, I won’t be here long.
[person you saw] my dad’s co workers in mybackyard
[person who called you] tony
[person you called] maggie
[person you hugged] laura
[last car you rode in] mi madres

Turntable Jessie 5:28 PM [+]
...

i feel so raw.

everything is vitallly real right now. last week brought so much joy and love out of me. pain too, but the kind of pain that you finally face. and out of that you find a peice of yourself.

when i came back last night, i was discouraged at first (as i usually am when i get back fr/ camp) because i thought that no one would listen to what i had to say about it. i am so bursting with stories and discoveries and feelings right now, and i want to tell the whole world. but i kinda have this feeling that no one wants to listen. it seems irrelevent, you know. i feel like i'm showing off or somthing, but i really just want to spread what i've found.

and the love hit. it's amazing how well the girl cd that matt gave me fit last night...rainging men, i will survive. it was these disco classics that ushered in a new stage of friendship. no, i don't consider anyone a hoe. for one, well, you're just not a hoe. and second, if i called anyone a hoe, i would be like, the certified desperate whore. haha, can't afford to do that right now.

i'm going out on the afternoon town.

Turntable Jessie 2:08 PM [+]
...

longtime sunshine...eh?

well, tonight was indeed fun, and the sexiness was overflowing. but there is one topic i must adress.

i'm so glad a have good friends. tonight, i was so fucking insecure. i'm fat, ugly, look like a man, have zits, mad feet and hands, etc. now, when you're standing in a room full of nice, funny, good looking girls attempting to get a makeover, you feel like shit.

escpecially when your self pride was totally shattered just a few nights before...thanks matt. i really owe ya for that one. really.

and i seriously couldn't take it at first. i finally had to go outside for some air because iw as getting so damn frusterated. i couldn't even get any of the hats to fit on my head. i'm just all around dysfunctional....billy saw me out there, and i know that he was really pushing for me to have a good time after that. and as sticky sweet that was, it was a really amazing gesture. you know? i mean, here i was, and i couldnt fit in some of my own clothing, and people are still putting up with me. i would have kicked my ass if i saw me being such a little jerk. honest. but i really am fortunate to have people like that... and i know, somtimes things, big problems and the like, go unsaid, unnoticed. but i hope that with time we can all figure out how to be good friends for each other. me and you included.

Actually, you need 2 OR 3 boyfriends.

Yeah, you’re the wild, adventurous one.

Voted Most Likely To Have A Three-way by your sorority.



And why not? Life’s too short to take it one cock at a time, right?

As long as nobody gets hurt, ain’t nothin’ wrong with it, no how.



This does not, by any means, make you a slut.

In fact, if anyone ever calls you that, it’s only because they’re jealous.



Do You *Need* a Boyfriend?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

so that's that. but according to someone... yes, i'm putting this online.. i'm "only good in the dark". now, i know we were screaming and it was in the heat of the moment but at that second i knew that he was embarrassed of me and everything that i had just fell. i was a halting realization that made me want to die. honest. not all the situps in the world could get me a person who;s ok with being with me.... i'm starting to believe that i reallyw ill end up never marrying, but possibly not by choice.

but now it's time for a pull back. there's a reason they call them retreats, you know. it's cause it's a way for you to run the fuck the other way and get ready for the next round. so no matter how complicated things are next week, i know that i just might be back in the running come next saturday. it's gonna be a long hard pull though. i'm praying for the staff, i'm praying for the kids, and i'm praying for me. there has to be some way to pull this together...



i feel like i have the abilityto do so much, so many (oy), and have so much fun. but there's always somthing there that keeps me a step behind it.

Turntable Jessie 1:51 AM [+]
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