... california dreaming ...

Monday, January 27, 2003

hi again. i just wanted to apologize for somthing and give credit for another.

for one, i am being forced at gunpoint to say that the below song was reintroduced to me by mr. matt g pimp himself. so there.

and yet for another, i apologize for the below lyrics, seeing as i have just finished reading one of the most painstaking;y terrible blogs of my life. i deeply regret doing anything that even resembles a remark on a band in this blog, for fear that it will turn into the horror i have just witnessed...haha

Turntable Jessie 10:34 PM [+]
...

ok, ok, so i know the lyric in the bog thing is highly over rated.. but it is true that somtimes someone says somthing that you just can't reiterate in better words. so here. this makes me feel like me.. talking to myself (yes. i do that. probably too much. heh) and a certain person or two that know me way too well tlaking to me. how is it that i decide that i like talking and spilling my guts to girls more than guys, but two in particular find everything out anyway...arg. anyhow. i'm listening to the song and typing as it goes, and it makes me feel better. why? maybe just cause i can say that i know the words...haha

you can say i knew it all along
that you were all i wanted
to know the pain has made you grow strong
the scars inside have made you beautiful
stop breathing for me
you said it's your right to shun dependence
and you shun
and you're scared to accept
someone to share your regrets
when you're aching
you go it alone
when you want to
you take what you need to make you whole
i know it's not easy
i know i can't feel through what you have been and trust
don't come easy
'cause to trust is to depend
and who wants to give up that part of them
you know you can have it
if you want to
i'll find you unrelated, cultivated
when you wake up incubated in me
you're free to leave
if you knew it all along

ah, i feel like such a loser now..haha, i really am a bloggabloggablogger at heart i guess. anyhow, here is today's greatest quote. may i recieve some joy from it in the future.
"ooh look! cuban immigrants!"

fight the future,
me

Turntable Jessie 9:07 PM [+]
...

too much variety today. it would have been fun, but i seriously think i was sleeping through the whole thing. i was so tired after last nights midnight rendevous...we are seret lov- oh, ahem, i mena uh, yeah.... hehe

the party was reallty fun, hands down... i couldn't tell you for the life of me anything exact that happened, i justr remember (billy siad it best) a blur...then i did the church potluck thing for a while, which was interesting ("red, what happened to your pants?" "well i have about 400 dollars in my pocket.. well, it was more like 469"...."so wait, we're going to say grace after we eat?" "exactly." haha)

jessie's apology of the day:
than i went to hang out with ray. and fell asleep. and seriously, i'm so sorry. haha, you totally should have woken me up... seriously. i felt really bad that you were just sitting there.. at least you had somthing to read i guess...haha, anyhow, yeah, next time, don't let me do that..

quick event at kyle's,a nd a REALLY odd battle of the bands at the gazzlighter... some of them were so terrible.. i felt so bad for them. it was like, oh man, you really shouldn't be acting like that anywhere, escpecially on stage...haha, anyhow, it was qiute a long day..

and tomorrow is the start fo the new semester. it's kind of like a high schooler's new year, you know? but who will keep their resolutions?

"you know, you can go 45 here."
"but i don't want to."

what are my resolutions? that's for me to know and you to find out. wurd.

Turntable Jessie 10:27 PM [+]
...

Today kinda hurt. and i liked it..haha, no, not like that...

i don't know. it was the kind of thing where i'd be comfortable someplace. like at rehersal...("the oh no face!") and then be uncomfortable with a random vistor. then be comfortable again. in my car. not moving actually. then came the time where i knew i had to go to david's, but i didn't want to, because i thought i'd be uncomfortable. but when i got there, i ad the best time. just driving around with christian...it was just kinda one of those times where i felt like even though everything was oh so wrong, it was oh so all right. but all i could think about was getting to the outhouse, where things actually were more jumbled than before. no guys, really, i had a good time. but there were just a lot of random odds and ends, and i wasn't in a place to be in a part of any of them. just kind of there, listening. which i loved. dearly. i know it's kind of randoom, but i really do love olympic year.. don't know.. they've just always kinda been around. kind one of those nostalgic type things.. the guy and with the ears and the other rocking guiatist and that damned bass player... haha....i dod't know.. it was just so.. different though, from the christian's car thing to the show... very very different. and all i kinda wanted to do was just go back driving around for a while, but i had this fear that that would mes sup to.. id on't know. it was just one of those things where i felt really picky. like, to the point of bitchyness....and i feel really bad about that. specially since i could tell that my comrades were having a bit of a rougher time as well... why couldn't i just shut the fuck up in my mind and make things better? hell i don't know.. anyhoe, sorry bout that one guys.. i'll make it up to you both.. maybe next show, i'll make a resolution to just not be emo at all. haha. no sweaters, glasses, or cuffed jeans... maby i'll wear.. cowboy boots! ah, shite, those could even be emo..haha, oh well, i'll think of somthing.

the good times of the day:
"hey, nice car. is that a 68?"
"no, but we could make it a 69..."
"no, somthing better be going on over there or i'm going to kick some ass"
"hey there. yeah. hey."
"no! the store where we have to.. buy the rocks.. it doesn't open till 1.... am...."
the infamous search for tony lien...
crop circles...heh, mulder woulda been proud. so would ms carter..haha
"anti bitch." (never meant as bitch...ever..heh..)

muchos amore,
me

Turntable Jessie 1:17 AM [+]
...

I feel so... knotted.

i've always known that death wasn't fair. when you want to, you might not, and we you don't, you just might. and when it's time, it's time. no ifs ands or buts. I've told so many people that. and i've told them that it isn't fair for anyone else either. the sisters, the nephews, the wives, whatever. it's cruel yes. and it's life. about all things, it's life. it's hard to swallow when you're the one involved. to not be informed and just be notified when it happens. and all i can keep asking myself is

am i scared?
am i scared to die?

they tell me it creeps up alot faser for some people and... why the fuck am i thinking about this?!? i don't know why i do this to myself. wondering what could happen in just a few hours... i will die. i will die. shit. i don't think it's fear as much. i mean, yes, and no. it's more fear that i did nothing, and death, being unfair (oh please do see above if you weren't paying attention) got me anyways. look at today. what did i do today? i woke up, and was happy, but in that girlie on the surface kind of way. i fel tlike crying about my grades. my c. it seems really pathetic now, you know? in two ways. it makes me feel like a failure. and it also makes me feel like an idiot for whining so much about somthing i fucked up anyways. my parents are living through me. they have informed me so. i am to be more sucsessful than they were. how cruel is that? i don't understand why they do that to themselves. they're not old at all. they still have pleanty of time to go back to school, do whatever in the hell they want...it makes me wonder if they would have actually done what they wanted if i hadn't come around. i would like to think they wouold have... and that's all i did today, pondered, complain, and cleaned the shit out of the stage. i mean, it wasn't a complete waste, you know. i mean, i found my few things of the day to admire as beautiful. the power went out so i lit all these candles int he powder room, and with all the mirrors and everything, it almost looked like a comfortable place. but really, what is that to the fact that hundreds of miles away, my grandmother feels like she herself is dying, morning her last family member...
"it isn't fair."
"nothing is fair."
oh, the cinimatic memories... it just... it's hard. and it's (yes i'm going to say it) scary. i need to learn to face that. i am afraid that i will wake up tommorrow and not be able to see again. i am afraid that i'll wake up and not be able to get up. i'm afraid of what i've been through. and i can't accept that. right now, i'm just typing, just putting the words out. i can't figure out how to come to terms with myself and how i'm going to live. and how long.

i'm getting off track.

i never knewmy great uncle that well. i remember his voivce, his face, his hospitality, and how he filled a room. and i know that he went before his time was up. and i know that it's unfair that he died from the operation, not the sickness. and i know it's unfair. yes, it is. we don't have control over it. but what we do control is how we get through it. and it hurts me to think of my grandmother trying to get through it, among everyone else. and thinking of her having to go through understanding why she has to see evryone go. and thinking that my dad can't be with her.and thinking about my uncle. and thinking about me, sitting here, whining about my own stupid life,my little "boy problems" and how i'm fat. shit. why aren't i doing anything with myself? it seems like i'm not, but i never have time to do anything. it's always school plays church. but honestly, i've neer really done anything for anyone. i'v never helped anyone out immensely. and i'm just sitting here. like i'm just asking to die or somthing. i really hate this.

i really need a hug right now. a hug from your mother is alright, but at the moment, it's a hug of a different kind. it's a "i don't want to let you go because if i do you're obviously never going to be alive again" kid of thing. i just need somone.

somone to tell me that it's going to be alright.

Turntable Jessie 4:26 PM [+]
...

argh!!! so.. confused. and yet so comforted...

weird weird day... but none of it matters really. what does get to me now is the list of following thoughts (and the fact that i have terrible grammer skills):

jones was SUCH a jerk today! i mean, i see alot of her points, but i felt really put down with the way she kept kinda laughing at us.. it really pissed me off.

i felt so much better today after school. i got alot of a morale boost from a certain respected individual (in fact, the one previously mentioned.).. he totally talked some sense (or possibly insanity) back into me... he just kept pointing out how jones was wrong and how i could get aorund it... there was just this look on his face and he goes "this isn't like you." and it totally snapped me back into place...
i've been too much of an only child lately. i wish somone would just take me outside and beat me or somthing...heh, ok, well maybe that'd hurt a bit... but seriosuly. my lack of social skills is totally getting the best of me. growing up alone is not the answer.
anyhow, it made me feel good to see him get just as frusterated as i did in jones office, even thoguh he hadn't been there. it was nice to know that i'm not the only maniac who thinks that this damn thing could work....

and lastly, i'm not even sure i like my "beloved" anymore. i mean, it's just lust now. it's like now that i get to know him, i realize that bad thigs, and they really get to me. or am i just (imitating erik's annoying voice) "afraid of comitment. it's tragic."? but seriously, do i really need to be obsessed with someone who gets in a mood swing just because he's gonna be late for class? and to selfridge of all places...i don't know, it just really got to me. it just doesn't feel right. little ever does. well, ok, that's a lie. some do. some don't. i have a feeling that being constantly on time is one of those things that doesn't....

Turntable Jessie 4:05 PM [+]
...

lovely day....woke up in a more decent mood than i went to sleep in, which is pleasent... i enjoyed it emmesely. i am never going to mfinish my tech portfolio. the end.

Turntable Jessie 8:49 PM [+]
...

"yeah, why don't you just count it down or somthin like that"
"what, like 3 2 1?"
"yeah. sure. whatever."
"ok, um, 1....23"

Turntable Jessie 9:08 PM [+]
...

man, i was being a real pain in the behind last night, huh? well, a little bit of sleep and alot of advil solved that one. i'm still not happy about car situation. but i'm ready to tackle it now.. last ngiht was just.. too sudden for someone slow like me. hehe...

the whole thing just makes me feel really incompentant, you know? i mean, i was the one paying for the mustang. but my parents are totally gonna have to lend me the $$ for this one for a while, and it makes me feel like i'm taking a step backwards or somthing.. going back to when i was eight and everything that my parents wanted me to be.... i don't know where i'm going with this. more later.

Turntable Jessie 9:38 AM [+]
...

would you believe that i speant my whole night working on this blog? i wish i wouldn't.

Turntable Jessie 9:54 PM [+]
...

points to make clear:

i don't want to give up on my number one man (johnny of course)

"Jessie" doesn't sound right in this sentence: Jessie drive a cabrio.

this would sound better: jessica renee drives a cabrio.

i'm screwed.

legally, they shouldn't have given me my license. i ran over a curb.

i'm not even supposed to be home right now.

i don't want to be sitting here at 8.41 on a saturday night, staring at a buddy list full of away messages, wondering if my friends are having a good time just because i got the call at just the wrong monet. i want to get out of here. i have to go car shopping again tomorrow and i want to get some fresh air while i can. i should just leave already. i should.

Oh, but wait. i can't drive my car.

Turntable Jessie 8:48 PM [+]
...

Today. wow...alot of shite went down today... school got me through some essays, excurtiatingly painful discussions... chris wasn't mad. however, he wasn't mad because he thinks that he's in on the ordeal. i don't knwo how else to tell him that he's not. i sad it straight out, and he still refuses to look me in the eye and say ok, fine. i know it'll go alright. we have initiative, he doesn't. we'll have all the plans taken care of before he can even get his butt off the couch.

didn't make the play, as predicted. got me down a bit. so i went and got high off of caffine...not a good plan, as tonight i'm really short of breath and dizzy.. nto as fun as i want it to be.. seemed like a good idea the first time... did filming. more fake lesibian loving. more dramatics than you can shake a stick at... interesting trip through downtown. it was nice to kick back and be chaffeured, even if i wasn't the one who needed to go anywhere...to laura's for tag. had a bit of a scape getting there, but got through without a scratch. almost. (haha, what a terible play on words). hide and go seek. ok here we go.

i enjoyed it. i know some people were grumpy, but if yoiu ask me, they must have been dillusional, because it was pretty clear that there was a good vibe going aorund.. emo kids will be emo kids however, and i chose not to ponder that... i enjoyed my company thorougly. they were all polite, funny, charming, (haha, i shouldn't be using these adjectives. is hould be finding somme similies, seeing as we're describing near skate rats, but it's the best i can do right now.). i had alot of fun playing. the swings were really funny, and the on level conversations were frankly fantastic. and i feel like i'm critiquing a resteraunt...haha, so, on to....

jessie's egotistical corner:
i really truely had a good time tonight. really. i'm not joking. and i really meant everything i've said thus far. but it seemed like all i could think abotu were my stupid insecurities. everything i did, i kept thinking, man jessie, you're too loud, too fat, and you act like a guy. and for pete's sake you talk to yourself. heh. i don't know. it really got to me alot of the times. and not just during the group hug/orgy.. it's just.. i feel like when i meet people i can never really open myself up to them the way i want to. therefore they see me in a different light, and they hate me for it. well, ok, maybe hate is a bit far, but it's just... fake, you know. and i don't purposely try oto be. somtimes it just slips out. no, it's not even fake, it's just nt who i want to be at that time. and you know, you never really can know what a person thinks of you. and it's even harder to tell when you can't open yourelf up to them. therefore i get really scared around people when i meet them. it sucks... that and the fact that i act like a guy. that one sucks hard too...heh

then we left. and we ate. and ate. and ate. and now i am so full that i feel liek i could rip at the seems. and i am glad that people who had a good time had a good time. and i am glad that i got to see people who reminded me of the type of people i enjoy being around. alot. and i am glad i got to see people who mow lawns.. i mean, uh, bike.. uh NO no no, i menat. people who go to school. yes, that's it. and i'm glad that jason got knocked over by the swings and that maggie fell and hit me with a car and that laura and laura and the jew and the other kid could have a good time. and above all, i am glad that billy stuck the spoon down his pants, because honestly, everyone deserves a bit of indulgence once in a while.

...when you make it, you go it alone....

Turntable Jessie 11:46 PM [+]
...

ok. alright. it's final. the show is on. argh, why am i doing this? i don't even know. i got so stressed last year with everything going on and now i'm doing one more thing? man... but i know why. it's because i'm dependent. dependent on the fact that i can't be happy if i know i'm going to suceed. if i know i can do somthing easily, i'm never encouraged to do it. in this case, this year's talent show doesn't scare me in the least. i have a decent amount of experience to do it, and i know some of the things that could go wrong. it could be really gross, but it would never fail completely. as ofr this show idea... it's risky. and i like that a whole lot more. it's somthing that i can depend on to keep me moving, keep me guessing....

guessing abotu so many things... and people... oh man... what am i doing?...haha

Turntable Jessie 10:01 PM [+]
...

ah, he wasn't that exciting to talk to, so never mind.

and now, the item at hand: i worry for people. all the time. and it very much so frustrates me when i can't do shit about it. does that mean i'm nosey? yes. but being nosey when good friends are involved can turn to be a good thing once in a while. however, being nosey in order to see if there's a way i can help is frusterating when you get the classic "i'm fine" response. damn that phrase...so many use it, so few mean it...

Somone told me once that the best that a rocker can promise is this : "It's going to be alright." (this is 100% true by the way.. think about your favorite song. if it promises somthing, it's that. unless you lisetn to techno. or rap. or classical. they don't count here)

and that's where i'm stuck, saying a feeble little "it'll be alright". and knowing it's not enough...can't solve it till you know the problem...ay vey, see? here i go again. i told you... waaaay too wrapped up in everyone else's demise...

oh, and otday? yeah, today was.. umm... good. i'm happy, excited, (not that way), and curious about how mad chris will be with me when i tell him. technically i'm really not ditching him, and honestly, if he gets that mad at me anyway... ah exuses exuses...let's face it: i might be in some really deep shit...

Turntable Jessie 3:59 PM [+]
...

nothing happened today. i watched the rest of that movie. it was incredible. as i had expected. i went to an audition. i was nervous. i did fairly well. as i had expected... things just kinda droned on like that... i wish someone would come visit me...i'd go visit you, but my car's broken. sorta. again. and i had kinda guessed that would happen too...haha, at least there's good weather.... good weather is key...and what is this? an im form a long lost comrade? (ok, so he wan't really lost, just kinda, seperated from me for say, two weeks)... hmm, must investigate this phenomenom....

Turntable Jessie 9:37 PM [+]
...

things are the worst when they're blurry, throbbing, and not quite the right volume. they're even worse when all of it happens while your parents sit in the bedroom talking about what an ass youare. how do i say thing to make people hear them? i just told them i loved them, and they thought i was tlaking about the car. i repeated myself, we got off topic. i feel like i'm burning. i feel helpless. completely helpless. and scared as anything. everywhere i go there's another turn of events showing me what could be true if i mess up. it all leads me to this fear that i really will always fail and that i really will always fail alone. why did i mess they're day up? i really doubt they came home from work just to hear me complain. but i wasn't complaining, i was venting. i don't know why that couldn't have been understood. there has to be somthing more than this. there's somthing i'm missing. a psyc maybe... i just feel, exahausted. a day of admitting way too many things that should never have been said. if someone could tell me that no one wants to listen to my problems, that would be great. cause i was startiong to think for a while that they did, and just look waht happened. it's taking me way to long to type this, but i'm not going to take anything. i can't saty awake tonight just for the sake of being able to see. lord knows what i would do...

and i just try to think about the following: (yes, i'm making the list here so i can see it later)
the beach, surf music, arm wrestling, guitars, nice bikes, sacramento, san francisco, seattle, fresh air, driving, walking, knowing and not knowing, but only if they're both at once...

and still everythings so hard. i feel so pent up inside. just every layer of niceities makes it worse than the day before. why doesn't anyone yell? why can't they tell me that somthing's wrong. why am i lied to? how can i get anyone else to care as much about what they're doing as i want to care....

and still, i have to admit, it was a pretty good arm wrestling match.

Turntable Jessie 11:20 PM [+]
...

i feel like it should be summer. the smells, my clean room, and some good old fashion surf music....

or it could be cloudy. that's ok too.

today was decent. i was generally frustrated, but rountinely entertained with little nuggets of joy.... no selfridge...so nice. smith told me that i would be a good fag hag. "i can just see you just hangin out jess, hanging out with the gay guys, havin a great time." we both got a good laugh when i told him that that's how church is for me...some people might say that that's an insult to someone or somthing, but to me it was quite the compliment.... some good jokes in burnside's.. some horrid eye contact situations...can't recall lunch too well. drama we watched this movie, and it's amazing, and i'm dying to tell you about it but i feel like i shouldn't since i haven't watched the end yet. so instead, i will describe the circumstance i was in while watching the movie. see, a certain individual that i have secret immense respect for (aka everyone thinks he's a jerk, but to me he's such a genius...not in a romantic way mind you... man, genius does not equal passion, when will you people and your dirty minds change?!?! heh) anyhow, when the movie starts, i move up to the front of the room, because everything going blurry on me again. all of a sudden this respected individual sits down next to me claiming that they'd "rather sit with someone who knew the value of what they were watching"{. now ok, i know a few of you out there who are thinking, BS! jess doesn't know the value of anything artistic, but whether it's tue or not, it meant alot to me. it made me wonder if i could ever say anything that had as much worth back to that person. and i only have one more semester to figure it out....

ah, my mind is really.. loud right now. too many oppisites are clashing.. for instance, the following
i was at the alter... in my tuxedo-o-o....
clashes terribly with the following
you just did what you had to do

marriage and death don't mix... haha, even though those are the two camp topics alex and bobby are debating between..haha, good christian times.....

Turntable Jessie 11:36 PM [+]
...

no, i cannot write about my day yet. this entry is for ray, since he was so.. bewildered...

***NOTE FROM THE EDITOR/AUTHOR***
issue A: "jessie, you are too self centered in your blog."
answer: i spend roughly 91.2% of my time thinking and worrying about other people and they're lives. this is partially why i am good at acting. i'm one of those people who's a bit too quick to put myself in someone else's shoes. somtimes, it gets a little intense, and i have to blow off some of my own steam. this is where i blow it...(ah, the art of making things dirty..)

issue B: "jessie, you write like your friends are barbarians."
answer: How dare you call them that!! you ain't got shit coming, let me tell you... my friends at branham are anything but barbarians. they are completely good people with incredible intentions. however, for whatever reason that branham is cursed like it is, we don't show it. well, ok, i don't show it. not as much as i should. and justly, that is what i get in return. is that what i want? (ok, i know this should be issue C, but too bad) no, it isn't what i want, because (yes ray) i am a selfish individual. eventually i do hope to learn how to show my appreciation. for some reason, my one track mind finds it very hard to say what i really think when i'm at school. there is never a moment to say such things of importance, and somehow i give us. yes ray, i will try to change.

issue c: "jessie, you write like your church friends are angels."
answer: no no no and no. i have undergone so much pain at church. between the youth leader ordeal, my "summer job", and all the godforsaken mindles selfish flings (you know how i felt about saying that).... i cna't say that it has all been perfect. on the otherhand, everything that has happened there has completely changed my life, for better and for worse. i wouldn't change it for the world.

and last but not least,

issue d: "jessie, you seem so flat when you write."
ray, have you ever heard of sarcasm? reading between the lines? ah.. i see...

more tonight.

Turntable Jessie 6:24 PM [+]
...

"If she doesn't have teeth, she can't bite."

Turntable Jessie 6:50 PM [+]
...

every once in a while, there's a break in the storm.
thing's i heard yesterday:

-1:1
-and jessie, she's so funny and outgoing and stuff, i could never pull that off (me: "neither could i")
-greg's music...
-I WAS JUST GETTING INTO THE PIANO!!!
-jason
-e.mail me somtime (and the look. he had to give me the look...)

It was difficult for me to go back yesterday and be loved, then return and have to just stumble along again. it's still hard. i kinda wish i was still there. iw ish jason hadn't left. i wish i could just take a breath and blurt out to someone, anyone, what's happening with me. then maybe i could quit this god forsaken blog buisness...

Turntable Jessie 11:53 AM [+]
...

i can't feel right.

somtimes things are going alright, you know? but then somthing else happens. it's a never ending circle. and it's a curse. a curse that causes my mind to terrify itself until i really have no energy left at all.

tonight i listened to a man playing the acoustic. i actually paused to wonder if he would out live me. i actually speant time imagining, fearing, how it would be if that happened.

it's times like these that you really do come face to face with the fact that the world wouldn't be any different without you in it.

my dad's gone. again. i wonder why he can't work at somthing he loves instead of somthing he can't stand. instead of somthing that drives my mother mad. i'm scared that this means i'll never be close to him. or my mom's. our morals agree, but how we act on them is very different. i hate how they're all i have next to me. it makes things seem so... concentrated. on me. what i do. how i do it. how i'm acting. i'm wondering who really cares and who just does it because it's a thing to do.

i hate just sitting here and knowing that tomorrow is staring me down. it's daring me to actually go on. and i'll do it. but i'll never say that it's the easiest thing. just knowing who will be there. just knowing how things will seem worse. it's like i don't want a chance to think things through. i don't want to let myself realize how bad things can be.

i don't want to leave tomorrow to find out how bad it is and to have to wonder how much of a chance i have and then. at the end. have my mother come and get me. and if i'm lucky, i can ride with the middle schoolers.

hell, if i'm lucky, i won't bust out crying when i see matt. again.

but if i could just manage without the ride home from my mom. the four hour ride without a comfortable pause....

then i still couldn't believe everythings was alright.

Turntable Jessie 11:58 PM [+]
...

what is it going to take for me to say somthing that you can here?

does it make sense to anyone that i might want to learn some new talents? that maybe i don't want to sit around and be the group bitch for a year and a half? that maybe i's like to excel in somthing that matters for once?

ok than. i guess not.

no, i'm sorry, i just had to get that out. it's true though. i don't really enjoy being the stupid ugly one. i just act like i do. and you get on my case for that too.. how do i manage this? tell me. really. if you truely get annoyed with people who aren't up front with you, than do me a favor and be up front with me for once. start some trouble. carpe diem. or is that really just political crap by now?

i'm so lost right now.

alriht, i take that all back. for reals this time yo. i was lying when i said it the first time. i don't want to be angry anymore. i have enough anger spread over... let's call them intangible objects. i don't need to be any more angry. there isn't time for it.

why can't i just on my mouth and tell you that? why can't i just say why i'm so screwed? why i might just fade away? why can't i tell you who i am?

because i know you wouldn't like it. because i know you would talk about me in front of my face. exchange looks like i wasn't there. maybe then you could treat me a little worse eh? i mean, it's getting better, i know, but honestly. what am i doing wrong? it's like i'm not even a human being. i'm just this randpm objectthat can be talked to on occasion. you can take praise right out of it and put nothing in. quite a nice package.

i wish that i could be in someone's mind, anyone's mind, for just one day, just so i can see whether i'm really insane or not.

i wish i knew how to live this for now, before i can't manage it anymore.

i wish i could get it together long enough to just write one freaking entry in this damn site that started this ordeal in the first place.

and to top it all of, he just had to wear the zepplin shirt. didn't he? and for god's sakes, was the hug really nessesary?

tommorrow's gonna hurt.

Turntable Jessie 9:21 PM [+]
...

gather me up and use me. abuse me.

on the most gorgeous day of the year.

thanks.

Turntable Jessie 3:35 PM [+]
...

and it's over. just as fast as it had started. it's a calm. it's also cold and scary as fuck, but it seems that there are at least a few things that i can keep as true. a good good friend has found a good good boy to speand the cold nights with. finally. another good friend has found a...lord knows what. but i can smile to know that she's happy. a certain individual who used to treat me like a slave has finally learned to just cope with me. another is learning to look me in the eye again. and me? all of my problem "significant others" are tucked away safely tonight. with girls friends, with dreams, with guitars.and that's enough to tell me that i won't have to ponder them for quite a while.

i have to admit that i'm wishing i could remember what i did last night.it was nothing serious.. just some odd room cleaning, computer file rearangement.. i wish i didn't have to take any more meds. ever. i wish i cold just live and be one of those people who only eat what comes from the earth even if it's milk because milk comes froma cow... and i could eat food that taste like cardboard and take part in human rights marches and people could look me in the eye and know that i really am thouroughly real and they'd say "there goes the girl who knows what she's doing..where she's going." "yeah! and ya know, i hear she doesn't even need to take pills..."

but no. what can ya do?

"but that's ok..... cause i'm still fly....."

Turntable Jessie 1:30 AM [+]
...

i'm used. in my own mind.

why can't i happen to be a start instead of a back up? i'm sick of waiting. hell, i'm sick. i can't afford to wait.

I can't see you anymore. My eyes can't take it. I keep having visions of you. saying goodbye. leaving. again. and me left telling myself that i was never supposed to care about you anyway. it was just benefits, right? but that's all i had to hold onto. those nights i went dizzy, and everything was blurry, your arm was all i had to hold me up. your lips were my only sensation outside of my damn throbbing head. and yor hand, wiping my tears away... the melody from your guitar, telling my that everything would be fine. it might. there's a knot in my heart right now. it's hard for me to type this. really. because i'm afraid that i let you mean somthing to me. and i'm afraid that i let me mean somthing to you. i took you for granted. i can't let it happen anymore.i'm sorry. don't worry for me. i'll be fine. really. don't call. please. alright.

until later, me.

Turntable Jessie 11:34 AM [+]
...