... california dreaming ...

Tuesday, April 29, 2003

i feel like jeckle and hyde, but a good jecklle and hyde. but that doesn't mean that it's pleasent. ok, let me explain.

for parts of my days lately, i've been so overly self centered that i want to kill myself and charge my leftover funds for the bullet. however, at other times, i get so wrapped up caring for other people that i let my own responsibilities slide. right now is one of those "for the others" moments. lucky you. hehe.

i just want you guys to be happy. uit's liek, i just went through so much shit, and now i'm hitting the aftershock and it's just as harsh, and now i don't want anyone to ever have to be even a little bit like that. ever. so i try to do stuff to make it better, but then i feel like i'm imposing. i mean, after all, none opf it has anything to do with me. but does that mean that i should just sit here and watch everyone be sad? note the watch on that one. the reason i'm always feeling like i'm imposing is because i ususally hear things second hand. i know that in truth, that means that i shouldn't be involved. but honestly. i care about my friends. and i want to be one of those people who's able to help out somone when they need it. what goes around comes around, right? well i've met a few (haha, not tha many, ok, but a few) people who have severely helped me out. and i've learned from them. but you can never tell if somone else wants you to help or not...

ok, shit. what i'm trying to say is that if you ever want me to go away and get the fuck away from your life, tell me. i'm not gonna get offensive, i'm not gonna get emo about it. but i'd much rather know what you thought rather than put you in a worse situation.

and on the flip side. i know that i always tell people if they need anything that i'm there, but i also know that no one ever really does ask.. so i don't know, if you need to spill, you can just start talking. if you need to get out, you really can just call and say "come and get me". literally.

i really do hate how my church stuff, schoolstuff, and theatre stuff are seperate. which is a huuuge rant that i can't go into right now. but in the sum of it, it's like i'm on different levels of trust with people in different areas of my life, and it always seems like the people i care about the most are the ones who are least willing to let me know if i'm helping or not. least willing to ask, or more importantly, push me away and trust that i really do love them as friends and that i'm not goign to stop caring about them, no matter what.

ok, whoa, now i sound like a stalker, huh? ok, that means it's time to go to bed. sorry if i sounded liek a rnating idiot. i hope you know that it's true though.

off to dreaming about guys who quote the goo goo dolls.. uh, i mean, listen to jessie and my whetstone... uh, oh crap i mean.. um... cactus. i'm going to go dream about cactus. yeah. sure. haha.

Turntable Jessie 10:51 PM [+]
...

ay, when will you figure out that i'm not going to just bring up my life unless you ask? i'm conceded, but not that conceded.

"i'd have sex here for the centrifical force, not the view". see what happens when you put me on death defying rides? what was i thinking?!? haha.

and once again, i let somthing really important slide. which means it'll happen again... ah well. so is life. there were some really amising parts of today... some not so amusing.

...and still i think of you...

Turntable Jessie 11:07 PM [+]
...

i have to admit tht i'm nt in the driven posting mood that i was last night. but blogger was being a whore (it's ok blogger, you're a love i've learned to share) so posting didn't happen. let me attempt to recap.

i basically speant the whole day out. i just needed to get out after my sickness, and after friday... oh crap, i forgot to talk abotu friday too. well, friday night i went out. back and forth to los gatos, ryan got some digits and some middle aged women, followe jason to lord kows where, had a run in with some very peculiar friends of jessicas (hey, i guess it gave us somthing to do), and then went to lauras for a buit. but the whole frickin night, there was so much.. tension maybe? i don't know. twas oddish. i know not. kasso got caught, and i can totally feel her pain for that. she was an excellent sport about it though, i must say... sometimes i'm sad that i'm not cool enough to be illegal anymore, but somtimes things like that happen and i'm glad to be on the side of law. so to speak. ahem.
poor mg really got clamoured with crap on friday. that wasn't as good as it should have been at all. i felt quite badly about it all. sometimes tuff just builds up and winds itself so tightly that it craps out... and everybody hurts....somtimes. heh.

so yeah, obviously, after friday, a well deserved break was at hand. i seant much of the day at the carnival, which was ok. i really like having brian around (no laura, i'm not hittin' on yo man. heh, read way below to see what i'm thinking with that type of thought). but anyhow, he does make me laugh. he probabaly doesn't find my compnay as entertaining as i find his, case i'm just not that cool, but none the less, i think we did well passing random bits of time with amusment.

then started the evening. i went to the play with the drama freaks. that should some it up, right? but oh no. the car ride up was insane. we got "lost" (in fact, david knew where we were the whole time, he just let us follow everyone else to the point of being lost until it was wayyy too late). anyway, it was a very stressful ride. i go with stress. it's one of my few talents.when things are seriosuly crazy, i've developed a sense to just make some jokes and add to the chaos. this is often to my detriment by the way. but anyhow, david and val were in the backseat, freaking out, screaming so frickin loud! it was like someone was stabbing them or somthing. so when this car merges in front of me rather udely and i have to swerves and speed up a bit, they all scream louder cause they think they're going to die... then i decide to be evil and freak them out by "starting to go" at this red ("oh, you mean if i just blew through this red? like this?") oh, wow, BAD choice. val freaks, david pushes my seat forward about foot.. geez. so yeah, sorry botu that guys. it was meant in light heartedness.. but yeah, it was really hard for me to drive after that, cause i realized that they really didn't trust me to drive at all.. which made me quite uneasy as you can imagine. also, a tip to anyone who rides in a car at all: if youa re stressed and/or fearing for your life because you are surrounded by really bad california drivers, DON'T scream louder. your thought should be to remain calm and quiet so the driver can FOCUS ont heir driving... oy...haha./. ah what am i talking about. it was a frickin fun ride anyway.

so yes, saw the play, which was quite good. i disagreed with some of the choices that the lead woman made at first, but i guess it grew on me. she also cracked a few times.. but the rest of the cast was actually very strong as a group... i also must add that i was a bit... ok, alot embarassed when ALL of the people with us would laugh at every single refernce to sex. they're a newly wed couple! they're going to make dirty jokes! she's going to be ok with taking her shirt off in front of him! on't laugh at it! haha, i guess i'm just getting old and frumpy or somthing. but honestly. heh

and then denny's. and thena phone call that i'm considering assuming never happened. which all lead me to the following rant (yeah, i knwo this a long entry, but stick with me a little more)

aka if you're skimming, THIS IS THE JUICY PART> READ HERE> haha.

ok, so you know hwen you take a really long test, like the sats or somthing, and afterwards, your just kinda hyper, and you want to get out and just be a little crazy. that's a bit of what i'm going throgh right now. i just did this whole big tantrum thing (which i'd also like to pretend never happened, but unfortunately isn't as easy) and now i want to go out and just... live it up i guess is the best way to put it. so last night, when a certain dense but good looking individual started flirting with me, what did you think i would do? i mean, i'm not saying anything bad happened or anything, it was just flirtatious habits. under the table stuff.
ahem. literally. haha.
but i mean,isn't that what happens at drama get togethers? hormones are raging, so have fun with it... i don't know why it made me feel like such a whore last night. ok, i sorta do. i got asked this truth or dare question (this is a secret two person truth or dare by the way. not one of those mad share or dare orgy things). if i had the chance to fuck this certain individual after prom, this year, would i? i said no, becasue there's no way i'm gonna get pregnent when i'm 16. or ever as far as i'm concerned. so a quetsion followed: what if there was no consequences? what if god just came down and said jessie, you're not going to get pregnant, would you do it. and i said yes. would. i'd like to say that i wouldn't. really. that i would have the self control and self respect not to. but i know that one of my worst quallities is the whole impulsive thing, and i know, that if i was in the moment. i would do it.
and this individual found out about my answer. he goes "really?" (this is all mouthing words across a table witha shiteload of people aorund mind you, so it's basically public info anyway) and i was like, yeah. i think i would. and we had a little eye contact moment, then we kept flirting. i'm not even joking. like, for some bizarre reason, that horrid fact didn't even make things awkward. all night. i mean, i'm not saying that we're going to have sex now or anything. the question was "if you had the oppertunity" and believe me, with this person, the oppertunity shall never arise... haha, i just realized that was funny. anyhow....it was just kinda random. and it made me feel like a whore. but honestly, somthing about human touch makes me never want to deny it. and if he wants to ignore the fact that we'd fuck each other and still put his arm around me, i say game on. whore or not. i mean, i can't say it wasn't fun.

and man that was a hell of a goodbye. ahem.

Turntable Jessie 11:17 AM [+]
...

alright, everybody stop. just freeze:

cabala42: i think i'd like to meet up with you all at some point if possible. i have a case of cabin fever from being stuck in the house these last few days
cabala42: it's been 48 hours since i've gone outside the house or backyard. i think i'm going to go insane
Thirteen Master: yes, i'll tell you when i leave
Thirteen Master: aww...what do you have?

yes, that's right. jason was both amiable and sympathetic today. dear lord.. .what track and infatuation can do to a boy. lots of things have been affected like that lately, and i think my little spell prevented me from enjoying it.. snooping around in some journals led me to give a little "aww, that's too sweet" to the laura brian situation... jenny and jared are just a little too cute for tv...kim and erik are about to ht their one year...and even tomm. i mean, i know it was the opposite of a good thing, if ya catch my drift, but just seeing him (or reading, i guess) be able to reassur himself and finally take on what he didn't want to touch was really rad.

and as for me? as for me... i made my mind up back in chelsea.. oh, sorry, wrong song. well, i plan to just kinda hang out and give up. honestly. yeah, i'm gonna have my little day dream fantasies, but mostly just the ones that i don't mean.. no one in particular, just whatever comes to mind, so as to keep my mind busy... you know, like day dreaming about boys of the tall persuasion that listen to RxB...
yeah. no one in particular.

Turntable Jessie 6:43 PM [+]
...

alright. ok, fine. i'm done with my little temper tantrum. call it a product of my fever... yeah. good call on that one.

when bad things happen to people, it's natural for them to think of a certain phrase or a moment, or somthing someone has told them. somthing reassuring. wanna know mine? back when the lee anne thing was all in the air, i was talking to red one night, and she goes "you know, you guys really got screwed. everyone else either escaped or has time to adjust, but you guys just got fucked." and honestly, that really gets me thorugh alot. maybe it isn't the most uplifting content, but just the realization fo what was happening. how she just accpeted it. . i think that's all i need moost of the time. i hate when people pretend like things are ok. most of all, i hate when i do it. so the only thing i can hope for in any given situation is that i'll be able to accept it. not pretend it didn't happen, but just add it to the timline of my life and move on. being sick the last few days has been the best and the worst for me. on one side, i've been stuck in the house all day. at one point i found my self laying on the floor of my room, playing my guitar. when i realized that i was just like that kid in the depression commercial, i freaked out, and i've barely played since. heh. on the other hand, i've gotten a fair amount of time alone just to think. when things are like this i'm almost happy that my parents are never home. i can talk to myself. spaz out in the living room. do whatever. and for a loner like me, times like those are often priceless.
i'm looking outside and seeing that there's some blue sky. i don't think it's rainig. maybe i'll go out tonight. smuggle myself into the carnival or somthing. anything.
yeah, i've had my time alone. it's help me survive. but while i sit here, watching the clock. waiting for everyone, anyone, to come home (8 mins and 45 seconds till the bell rings) all i need is some human contact.

and maybe a nice big frappachino.

Turntable Jessie 1:37 PM [+]
...

there was just that... constant feeling i got from being back there, and it was only partially to do with the stage, the glamour, and the work. it was the people, the connections.never to do that again. what have i missed out ohn. what chances haven't i taken.
what do i regret?
nothing. i regret nothing. but somtimes i wonder if i didn't do enough things that were worthy of regret.







i'm so horrible at letting go.









and it just hit me.







i'm actually beinging to cry.










after this last week, i will
never
be the same
again.

oh god.

Turntable Jessie 8:57 PM [+]
...

everything has changed. all of it.

every single thing that i have taken for granted has now shifted in front of me in some way or another. nothing was left untouched.

urban immersion is off. no one knows anything. it's just, off. no one has info. katye's in germany. i think i told too many people. two can easily be too many in that world. trust me. it was the only camp that was the same. was. was. was.

work to rule has altered everything. new york is off. student directing is off. drama club plans are off.
the play is off.
i know what you're thinking.
it's just one play. i've done so many. i have all of next year.
but all year, all that held me together as far as letting go of "the seniors" is that it wasn't over yet. there was always that last show. that last show. now i don't have that anymore. i've missed out on that last goodbye. i will never sit backstage with erik and kim agian. i will never yell across the stage for laurel to shut up. i will never hold random props for those that i admire, learn from, and still feel like i'm being helpful.

i will never
never
sit in the scaffolding again.

and unbelievibly, not by choice.

more to come after this commercial break.

Turntable Jessie 8:25 PM [+]
...

alright, last thing.

why cna't i just be fucking happy for people?!?! anything hppens, and i have some pesimistic thought cross my mind. is it jealousy? withdrawl? lack of sleep?? i don't know... i guess i just keep wishing that i could be a part of someone's night instead of a random passerby.

Turntable Jessie 8:20 AM [+]
...

it's having somone stick up for you.
it's having someone listen.
it's finding somone who's cool with just sitting in silence.
it's falling asleep on the beach.
it's desperation.
it's giving up.
it's trying too hard.
it's falling in infatuation. again.
it's sharing a moment.
it's seeing someone's eyes at 4.30 in the morning.
it's blowing your voice out on the very last note of a song. for the song.
it's being congradulated.
it's being told that you were in fact on key.
it's trying to do better.
it's driving home on easter sunday. cold, heartbroken, in wonder,
and of all things, alone.

Turntable Jessie 8:12 AM [+]
...

6 months. and what have i learned?....
- i'm thinking i'm a bit more mature. hopefully. maybe. please?
- i have a better idea about my stance on things
- i've survived alot of rough situations that encompass way too many areas of my life
- i'd like to think i know some people better
- i think i've grown fonder of people i know, and more impatient with those i don't
- i've taught myself the guitar. sorta.
- i've been severely immoral on occasion
- i've come clean to alot of people that i would never expect to come clean to

however
- there are still alot of people who i feel like i'm hiding things from
- i still swear too much
- i have lost some weight, but you can't tell. defeating the purpose
- i still have my bitchy moments. alot.
- the family ordeal... it needs work.
- i'm not.... at a place right now that i enjoy being in. whatsoever.

hmm, 8 to 6.. not shabby i suppose. let's call it a sucsess. an illegal sucess? yes. but illegal it shall be no longer.

Turntable Jessie 12:17 AM [+]
...

trust me,
take faith in what i do.
all we have is this moment.
don't be afraid.
we can live as we want to
on danger's right hand.
we can dance in the streets
and cry in the rain,
and we'll be together
if you trust me.

just trust me.
he whispered
peircingly in her ear.

and so she took his hand
and they sailed away
without a nod goodbye

and he smiled in victory
and she smiled back,
as if she really belived in him.

Turntable Jessie 7:38 PM [+]
...

my boyfriend's back and you're gonna be in trouble....

ah, johnny angel, how i've missed you.... haha

Turntable Jessie 11:14 AM [+]
...

ayyy... where have all the cowboys gone??

cowboys being mi amigos.

everybody's gone, making it very weird. there's so much stuff that i am bursting to tell certian people, buit no one is here. i'm gonna hve to start a list... haha. i bet it won't be half as exciting as some of the things they'll have done, but they're a little to funny to let go..

today's reminder for miss lita: the john incident.. and by the way, shit shit shit... i can't believe i forgot... mg, there's somthing i was going to give you before you left... too late now.. ogh well. later.

"hooooooooooly shit."
fact: telling people the truth abotu things that happened in the past is often difficult.

"so you want to get a room?"
"do you?"
(moves significantly closer in order to get out of someone carrying luggage's way)
"what?"

and i could have kissed him on the spot. now what does it say about me that i didn't? really.

Turntable Jessie 12:36 AM [+]
...

"if you blew it, don't reject it. jessie, join up the plans and re-erect it"
"it doesn't say jessie"
"does too. you're a weezer fan, you should be thankful when they put your name in a song"
"but i swear it doesn't say that"

cross your fingers, it's gonna be quite a day....

Turntable Jessie 12:12 PM [+]
...

everything that went toward today amounted to nothing.

i worked so hard on friggin international day, just to have someone take it over. now honestly, i have so much crap right now, that i reallly wouldn't care if someone else announced it, or even if someoen took over the whole damn thing as long as they did it well.the case here was that i worked hard to make it proffesional and smooth, just to have a random person come in and do a disorgfanized, half ass job, when i was standing right there with suggestions. and of course, it turned out amazing becuase of them... it was just really frustrating.

and only about 40 people showed for the dance. that was really dissapointing. i worked really hard, and i know alot of other people did too, so it kinda sucked to have not many people there, especially the freshman boys that were there.. geez, could they have been a little more rude? i'd like to think so. of course i loved seeing everybody, but it sucked how we couldn't speand one night without talking abotu all the crap that's going on. people hadn't been there for 20 minuites and katye's already telling amanda about what happened, and of course she gets all teary... i was like, man, can't we just have one night.... i liked seeing kevin. he's pretty hlarious. he's a 19 year old guy with a shy freshman personality (i.e. "thanks for being our token male dancer" "(while giggling) oh, i'm not into that type of thing...). and as much as i hate alex somtimes, i was glad to see him too. i miss having him around. it's like, when you tlak to him, you can tell that he has no idea what in the fuck you're tlaking about, but he really does care. you can see it in his face. even when i just have to vent about a stupid little guy problem or somthing. you can tell he misinterprets the entire thing,. but you can also tell that he's support you no matter what. and he always goes into big brother mode ("wait, it wouldn't be just you and him right? like, you'll be with other friends?") for no reason. it's both annoying and comforting....

i guess i'm just a bit miffed because i've been planning for today's events for two months. getting ready and planning and imagining it to be this big ordeal of a day, totally tiring, for better or for worse. but i'm not tired in the least... it's just kinda hanging out...

i need some better weather.

Turntable Jessie 12:03 AM [+]
...

oh my gosh... i just feel so.... lucky? haha... lucky to have a really freaked out situation on my hands? no. lucky to have a really rad part in the play? most definately. it's gonna be somthin else, and i get to be a rad part of it...

it's a good break.

Turntable Jessie 6:32 PM [+]
...

crying could be so beneficial right now. i don't understand why i can't. i just... i don't know. i can just be sitting here feeling so down, and i can't even muster a tear. on the other hand, i get a tiny cut on my sholder and i bawl like a fucking moron... it doesn't make sennse. bobby told me i was "getting too cynical. too pesimistic." is that true? it must be, because i can't think of anything positive about it. i need somthing to make it better. i guess that's what the play is for, but somthing else could be nice. i don't know. maybe i'll take an outing. or a road trip or somthing... maybe when i get my car back...i don't know. want to come? i could only hope you would consider it....

Turntable Jessie 12:02 AM [+]
...

just hang in there with me guys. this is a really hard time for me and i was wondering if you could just hang in there. i feel a little too crushed to be able to stand anything else. i think i need a psyc or somthing. things in general are just so fucking hard right now that i don't know if i can take it. i can't even cover it up with much. like i was really that upset about him... no, there's other shit, that i know you don't want in your life. there's so much shit that i cna't talk about, and when there's that much, you edge over to a breaking poin. so when i'm where i am, the little things hit me harder and harder. being put down again and again and again doesn't work for me right now. i'm not saying let me latch onto you, i'm just saying get rid of me nicely. like you know, with a positive conotation or somthing. who am i to ask you to make an exception for me? no one. but a no one that doesn't want you to be around when i finally crash, finally blurt it all out. now that might be somthing.

Turntable Jessie 7:03 PM [+]
...

things are so crazy.

so much "i like you" "i don't" "i'm going to flirt with you" "i'm going to walk away."
and not just from the one person either..
and i don't really like either of them...

what is he thinking? 2 and a half years with that boy, and he "can't decide whart he thinks of me"?!?! i don't understand him. i mean, it's not like i want him to profess undying love for me, but it'd be nice to know if he even considers me as good of a friend as i consider him. it's so pointless. and i don't even want to get wrapped up in it.... because i know how soon it'll be over...

i really wished i could have auditioned today. it would have been so much easier.... but hey, you know, waiting an entire week to find out if you made a play is my absolute favorite thing in the world to do...

Turntable Jessie 4:34 PM [+]
...