... california dreaming ...

Saturday, June 28, 2003

I felt really badly for ditching everyone tonight. seriosu. i was just in the car and... i don't know, i just realized that i couldn't make it thorugh the night. i just had this sudden urge to either break down or be alone, and seeing as i was driving, it was not a good plan for me to bust up in tears... not to mention everyone was there... so i hightailed it outta there, got some starbucks, and secluded myself for the appropriate amount of time...i just... i don't know, whatever.

i'm thinking it was pretty stupid though... i mean, i feel like such a drama queen... but serious...when you gotta cry you gotta do it... and seeing charlie's angels just didn't seem like the appropriate time to do it. i still felt bad. and even though he was being pretty bitchy, i didn't mean to hang up on jason... imean, i picked up billy and stopped by susans house. and i happened to hit just about every red light on the way. yes jason, it is definately my fault that i don't drive 40 over speed limit just to please you. i apologize....

see, that's what i mean. i think i'm just taking things to an extreme...

bobby's coming to see me somtime this week he said. nicole's coming on tuesday... i really need that.

i really need my friends too, and i just totally ditched them. why do i do that.... i don't know.

it's like, i need to spill the whole story... just to process it, you know. just to hear what i'm thinking. i haven't quite got the chance, and that screws me over...

my parents are considering letting me go to see ryan on the 4th... i can definately go during the day, but they don't really want me driving all the way back that night. but i can't get a hotel. so i'm screwed. and yet they still said i could go...? yeah, i didn't get that either...

i am sincerely happy that bryan is hanging out with us again. i feel bad, cause everyone's nit-picking everything he does, but i'm thinkin, isn't is enough that he's just hanging out with us? i hope he doesn't get pushed back out...

and i'm really am happy for jason and carlie... they get the same treatment bryan does, except they do deserve it every now and then. but then again, everyone has moment where they disregard other people when they're infatuated, you know? it's natural, and it's almost a good sign. when you're too busy thinking about your beloved to think about other people, it shows that you mean it, no matter how many people that may piss off. but i'm glad that they're having fun together.

and i'm obviously supposrtive of whatever brian and laura decide to do (or not do for that matter). it's still a chance they're taking, and whether they have a few minuites or a few days or whatever of joy out of it, it's worth it, if you ask me.

and dammit i still haven' gotten a chance to really talk with maggie..... hmm, catching up is not as easy as i would like... darn being busy.

when i left, christian was totally MIA... it was bizarre. i heard he went off the deep end. now he's supposedly come to his senses and started hanging out with his friends again. and i think it's kinda funny how i'm starting not to care.

and i think it's kinda funny how things can be this screwed up, yet the weather can still make me relax...

yeah, i don't know how to finish this.

Turntable Jessie 10:53 PM [+]
...

i've never had to understand anything so difficult as why i'm crying right now.

Turntable Jessie 1:51 AM [+]
...

and off i go, with a broken heart and shattered mind....

emo emo emo i know.
i know a week doesn't seem like much in the face of the whole summer, but for me this week is a really big deal. i fear it and crave it.
It sucked that i couldn't see people to say good bye. i don't know why i just didn't call. i mean, as interesting as barnes and noble was and all... i don't know. i guess i just wasn't thinking strait.
yes, haha, that's a knee slapper....shit.
anyhow, if i don't talk to you today, i want you to know that i'll miss you... miss you so, in fact.
yeah, i just feel really dumb writing this when it's only a week. so just promise me that you'll be safe and that when i come back we can still be friends. heh.

fare thee well cruel hearted world....

Turntable Jessie 8:11 AM [+]
...

he didn't take the job.

my mom's going to die of happieness, but it's only going to be a few hours until she realizes what all that means...

i mean shit, we're going to have to move anyway...shit.

Turntable Jessie 3:45 PM [+]
...

i know some very strong people.

alright, 2. i know 2.

striving to be the third,
jessie

Turntable Jessie 11:08 AM [+]
...

i need to change.

and i'm stalling stalling stalling, let me tell you.

i don't want to grow up. i'm fucking 17. i shouldn't have to deal with this shit. i should be worried about makeup and my hair and mtv and boys and...just look at that. screwed, i'm just screwed.

so i have to grow up, push myself into it.

i don't like feeling like things will never be the same, even though everything is already said and done.

and i look at (ok, read about) my friends and realize the change in them to. and i get near to tears that i'm so happy for them. seriously. starting to find yourself is priceless, no matter what you find.

i am so imersed in happiness, yet i still shake with fear....

Turntable Jessie 1:36 PM [+]
...

a commercial break from the insanity:

it just figures, doesn't it.
that i would be open to being down for whatever, and still, no one would want to fuck me. serious.

7 guys. 7 guys who needed someone to fill a void. someone to make them feel like a man. someone to make a friday night a little less boring.

none of them cared who it was, i'll bet you anything.

and a night like last night happens, and you question what a kiss really is. what it means. whomever it may be from, if it means anything. if it means anything if they say it does...

"we shouldn't be doing this." (i always say that damn phrase)
"it'll be the last time, and you know it" (he always had to be right)
"but this isn't out of anything...it's out of...desperation."

and what you do if you might never find out.

"but isn't that what love is? desperation? i always thought so."

Say goodnight,
mean goodbye.

Turntable Jessie 1:04 AM [+]
...

i've gotten comfort from seeing the countless people that are behind me. seeing that i really could crash at someone's place for a week. that someone would totallyt ake care of things for me. i'm hella feelin the love...

in some ways.

there are some other retarded ways that i'm feeling down, and not just for the obvious reasons... even though i shouldn't be caring about this...what goes around comes around, and i was (although not on purpose) left out of a conversation that i wish i had been in. now that i need my friends more than ever, i feel like i need to know what's up with them more than ever.. yeah, talk to you about that soon, fo sho....

not to mention my ryan is gone.

you don't miss somthing until it's about to be taken away. on all acounts.

Turntable Jessie 5:32 PM [+]
...

the chance for them to have what i've always wanted them to just surfaced.

at a horrible, treacherous price.

Turntable Jessie 5:04 PM [+]
...

and it ends.

the last few days have been an absolute whirlwind. graduations. tears. terrific music. inexepected dependences. unintended insults. a speedy goodbye...

i don't want to fcus on bad stuff, so here are some good points.
-might i say that our arch, while bare, kicked some major fruity ass. it made me happy that some of the senior got the sexual inuendos... my "certain respected individual" called me a "fucking sexual genious"...haha, one of the best compliments i have ever recieved.

-ok, so i used to be friends with shawn in 4th and 5th grade, but we haven't talked since. talking to him on thursday was so....refreshing. seriously. i mean, i knwo he's gone through all of his changes and what not, but talking to someone that honestly cared, no matter for what reason, was undeniably good. and hearing someone talk about god outside of church amde me honestly want to give him a hug. i think i cause myself to miss out on that kinda of caring alot, and to run into it head on was great.

- graduation. i felt so broken inside, yet so hopeful on the outside....

- being ignored by some one just so as not to been seen with them hurts. immensely. but it made me laugh when that stupid boy thought he could stare at me through the car window without me noticing. like i wouldn't look... you know, he always thought that those windows were truely one way. ALWAYS...and it was never true. not even int he middle of the night. haha... and i'm glad i waved instead of satisfying his hopes of being unseen. and i'm glad he waved back... as you know, i always did have to make the first move.

- i really did have fun at my house. it was such a low key chillin mood. dark room, candel light. body heat...

- realizing how beautiful ryan is,a nd not just because he'd be a damn sexy gay guy....

- waking up to maggie...haha, i honestly had thought i was going to be my dad... i mean, i love my dad, but if was great surprise.

- fun on the ride up.. loud music, trying to pick up guys... that damn guy witht he weird license plate, the purple hoes..haha

- AMAZING MUSIC....

-seeing finch again. i have always had fun at finch shows, everytime i've seen them. this one was great. saying hi to kendel for the first (and possibly last) time... and oh my gosh dan moshing....hahahaha

-hot hot heat was waaay fun, as were the other various musical groupings...

- it really broke me that i didn't go see crystal method. but lookign back, i remember that connections with people really are mosre important that music now and than... i wanted to find alex so bad, cause it would give me a good exuse to go and show off my horrid dance skills without skipping a beat, but cest la vie.. someday, someday...

- speaking of church people, Elyse was there!!! so cool... and mike... now there was one i didn't think i'd be seeing anytime soon. i really took me by surprise... it was like "ahh! it was like, AH! jessica! AHHH! MIKE!!.. it'd been hella days sinc i'd seen him. iw anted to joke around with him about of previous, heh, concert extravaganzas, but it hink that girl was his girl friend, so i refrained. good job me.haha

- alright, the foo fighters are fucking amazig in show. i put my sin on not staying the whole show right up with not seeing fenix at the warped that one summer.... and i still stand by the fact that Taylor Hawkins is one of the sexiest things i have ever seen...

and so it begins...

Turntable Jessie 3:27 PM [+]
...

alright, here goes. i know that it's much too late to be writing, escpecially somthing of this importance, but i need to get this out to you. desperately.

i never meant for you to get that impression. it had nothing to do with you being trustworthy, because you are. and i guess i should have told you earlier. The fact is that i was a big chicken. and that's seriosuly all there was to it. The people i had told previosuly (minus 1) didn't matter to me. i've had good times with them, but if i never see them again, it would be alright.
but there's some people (i'm thinking of three at this moment, yeah, you're definately one) that i can't lose. i both physically and mentally would not make it if i lost any one of you three as a friend.
and i know, you're probably thinking how i could ever think that you would turn against me for somthing like that. I don't know. i guess there's just always that chance in the back of my mind, you know? just replaying how terrible it would be if i didn't have you to talk to. and not even that extreme, justt hinking how much it would hurt if you dissapproved of it even the least bit, just because i want to be a friend to you like you've been to me.
i don't know. it's (i guess kinda obviously) really complicated when it runs thorughmy mind.
like i said before. i tend to blow it off like it's no biggie, but in truth, it's huge thing.
it's somthing that i know i can never tell my family. (it hooks into religion. you could probabaly take a stab at what their stance is on it...)

and it's somthing i'm not sure i even like about myself.
it's almost like i'm scared of it, you know? it's lead me into some really weird situations that i didn't want to be in so far, and i'm not sure if i like it in the least. and that''s why it was so hard and took so long for me to tell you. i was..
shit, why i'm posting this on the internet i'll never know, but i can't stop now, can i?

i was hoping it wasn't true. and by telling people that mean somthing to me, it almost meant... verifying it. you know? and i was scared of that. and i'm slowly inching to terms with it, but it's scary as hell.

and my point is that i don't want any of that to come off as somthing that's against you. i didn't mean to make you feel hurt, and i'm sorry. and i can't promise that my little worthless rant here is going to make everything better for you, but i want to try to make things even again with us, because i didn't mean for this to happen. yeah, this sounds horribly tacky emo again, but i really do love you. as a a friend, as a sibling, a confiant

Turntable Jessie 12:49 AM [+]
...

alright, i suppose this has to be adressed, you know, just so i can keep up with what's "hip" in blog land....
i'm going to try to narorate things a bit more, to make sense, just in case someone was to find it that would need to know. now, i don't mean to play the naive blogger-ess, but i'm not sure if anyone would really go looking for mine, aside from who has it already, you know? but you know, i don't mind when people read it. i'm not the best at expressing myself somtimes. somtimes this things helps, so the more the merrier. now, with that out of the way....

so this is what it comes down to. i'm slowly leaking out all of my "top secret (ah, bull, i know)" info... and i think it's important that my friends know stuff about what's going on with me, you know? but still, it's hard to say stuff somtiems, you know?

i truely thank god for ryan. as much of a complex as that may be. heh. but seriously. somtimes you just need someone there. they hardly even have to do anything, but it's usually just enough to have them there. what in the hell i'm going to do without him this summer is beyond me, but i suppose we'll see...


since today is just quite the day for confesions, here we go.

i need you guys so badly right now. i'm seriously just melting inside. it seems like everything that happens just pushes me further and further down. far enough that yall are catching on. so i'm not going to lie to you. yeah, i'm down. really down. and yeah, it freaks me out. buit i'm trying with every ounce of perseverance i have to not let it get to me too hard, you know? and to not let it get to my mom and dad. they're way to freaked out with themselves right... so i just kinda need you guys to stick with me. just sit with me, talk with me, whatev... i'm not saying that every sentence we talk about has to do with the fact that i'm breaking down... just.. tlak about anything, you know?

yeah...

oh, and to mi maggie y laura.. i know i might have come off as not wanting to talk about my not so secret secret today, but the fact is that i do. i mean, it's just kinda reflex i have to blow big things off like no biggie, but if you guys ever want to talk abotu it with me.. it'd be cool i guess.. cause.. god, this sounds so tacky... i've been wanting to talk about it for two years... and yeah... i kinda feel like i don't have to not talk about it anymore... so yeah...

three days.

Turntable Jessie 10:46 PM [+]
...

things are still... yeah...as morbid as it is, i'm thinking about mentioning it next time i go in for x.rays... like, just in case, you know. it's been bad for a long time, and i hear that there's shit to make it better....

yeah, it's called shaping the hell up, huh? yeah, i know.

brief outline of today
-sat2. no matter.
- rest of afternoong. also consequently of no purpose.
- concert. yes, mark mcgrath is still hot, even from a distance.
- "Aw SHIT! that's my JAAM!"
- "fuck!" "AHHHH!!" "fuck" AHHHHH!
- i have to say the highlight of the entire day was seeing ryan bell, laying on the ground in his boxers. i've seen some weird stuff before, but sometimes it's not even the weirdness of a situation, it's the person, that makes it hillarious.......
- and driving home, listening to subsonic - aka the "don't-you-wish-you-were-out-partying-or-making-sweet-love-instead-of-driving-home-alone-on-a-saturday-night" radio show...heh

and the beat goes on....

Turntable Jessie 12:19 AM [+]
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my computer got messed up, and there's alot i need to talk about. however, i have no time to type it all.

there are two lovely ladies out there who know who they are, and they should also be aware that i am in MAJOR need of a girl talk. i'm talking full out spill your guts on the table session.. i haven't been able to talk to anybody for a really long time.

this sounds tacky, but please know that it ok to talk to me. like, be comfortable with it and stuff. i'm ahving alot of issues dealing with the fact that alot of people i care about don't trust me as much as i'd like. so i guess it's just that type of situation when you really crave to have the people who do care for you somewhat around.



i don't want to say this, but i've never scared myself this much before.

i'm going to start recordig my thoughts about things. just to have them where i cna see them. where you all can. so when random topics coe up, flow with it for me.

Turntable Jessie 8:55 PM [+]
...

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
Category	Your Score	Average
Self-Lovin'	48.3% When I think about you - or anyone - I touch myself	63.8%
Shamelessness	54.8% It takes a couple of drinks	78.6%
Sex Drive	63.2% A fool for love, but not always	76.8%
Straightness	44.6% Done the nasty, but not creatively	43.3%
Gayness	60.7% Had that experience at camp	82.1%
Fucking Sick	87.6% Refreshingly normal	89.3%
You are 61.64% pure Average Score: 71.6%
Take The Ultimate Purity Test and see how you match up!

Turntable Jessie 11:23 PM [+]
...

last night, i stopped caring, and started just flat out wanting. that's all there is to it. i got so wrapped up in everything that was going on, that i seriouslylost all strength that i had in me to care any more. all i really want now is for me to buck up and just make myself happy. and for others to do the same.

this means:

go, fuck everyone you know. literally. this on the edge i like him i don't stuff doesn't give you true pleasure. we're in high school. in a year, you will n longer be seeing this person every day anyway, so why not just do it.
yes, this means you. heh.

but i really am serious. i am and was an ass for even attempting to tell people what's right and what's wrong to do.

i've said this before and i'll say it again.

do whatever in the hell makes you happy, and if there's consequences, yes, you will have to deal witht hem. but you really do only live once, especially these days...


so yeah. that's your summer assignment. i expect a full and happy report from each and every one of you at the end of the season. over and out.

Turntable Jessie 10:02 PM [+]
...

Alright. this (being me) is getting out of control. i'm currently having my staff look at my priorities. it's taking quite a while, seeing as they're so out of sorts, but i assure you, we're reassembling our buisness plan. just remember this as we work:

whatever you think is you, odds are that it isn't.

talk tome about it. i'm serious. i can only think of three people who have truely talked to me, adressing me, in the last two weeks.

and i thank god for them. they keep me in a reality check with what i'm doing right and what i'm doing wrong.

anyway, i don't want you to have to just live with it.

think it'll upset me? try this as a thought: you can't hurt me right now. somtimes things are so bad that when new situations come up, you can't afford to get hurt about it, so you simply find a way to solve the problem.

somehow i'm beginning to think that i'm more productive this way.


but honestly, talk to me.

Turntable Jessie 11:32 PM [+]
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don't hang on......
i can't remember what happened this week, so i'm thinking it might not matter.

wait, alright, i do, but i'm a cloud of frustrationr ight now, and i don't think that i could find the heart to type about it.

i don't even know what to say in regards to all of what's happening right now. it's a much bigger deal than the fact that he (let's call that a 'code name' for a good friend i have) is moving. it has to do with everything else. it has to do with me not knowing who in the fuck i am, and him being faced with the oppertunity to find out who he really is. It's about the future. It's confusion.

and faith. it's about faith.

somthing that i honestly haven't been smart enought to look for lately.

but i've seen it. I've seen it in my friends. reading maggie's post about camp made me so undeniablly happy. honestly. there's just somthing that happens to you when you do a camp like that. it's just... somthing. it's hard to even describe. and for the longest time, i had this fear that no one else knew what i had felt throught that. i really did want everyone to experience it. and knowing that g did really just made me feel good.

and there's so many more. everytime i look aorund i see these people that are my friends, hell, they're family to me. and every one of them (ok, wth two exceptions, just guess..haha, i'm so terrible) is taking a huge step in growing up. their either finding themself satisfied or struggling, but doing it passionately or having their first crush or whatever. but all of them are changing.r ight in front of me.

i'm changing.

and that's why, when i look at this situation i've gotten myself into, i just want to take it. maybe not accept it, but just take it in the gut and deal. i feel like i need to. i just.. can't spend much more time living like this. or somthing. you know? i don't know.

...is love an infection or is it a sick addiction when there's no where else, when there's no where else to go....

Turntable Jessie 1:35 AM [+]
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