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Sunday, September 28, 2003
i had so much fun last night but....
i am the best partick scoggings can get realistically.
yes. sure. i feel good about that.
Turntable Jessie 12:38 PM [+]
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Tuesday, September 23, 2003
Elva ~ Unwritten Law
"I can feel the world up on my back
I got sixteen people breathin down my neck
And it’s kinda to keep your head afloat
When the rain won't stop
And your face is soaked
But I’m alright, alright
But I'm alright, alright.
So just hang on, cause I wont be long
Just sing that song to me
Goes
I'm in love with you in love with me
Cause I'm in love with you in love with me
And I can feel your breath up on my neck
One last caress
I'm a nervous wreck
And it’s kinda hard to keep your head afloat
When the rain won’t stop
And your face is soaked
But I'm alright, alright
I'm alright, alright
So just hang on, cause I wont be long
Just sing that song to me
Goes
I'm in love with you in love with me
Cause I'm in love with you in love with me"
what you did today doesn't matter. who you dwelled upon doesn't matter either. Don't bother thinking about your accomplishments or ishaps. that's all bullshit too.
what matters is your connections. your vitality.
You're living the life.
Somtimes you fall, and up having to use covert operations to even begin to gain family respect.
And somtimes you get lucky, cause somtimes...
yeah, somtimes you end up with the best friends in the world.
Turntable Jessie 11:46 PM [+]
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Sunday, September 21, 2003
Give him a shotgun.
ok, done with the emotional trip... mroe of, down with the emotional trip. iw ant to talk abotu good times.
i'm not physically able to write about the good part of the rxb show. every time i try, i end up just sitting frozen thinking about matt embree with his shirt off. so you're just going to have to ask me. let's just say that i danced so hard that kasso laughed at me. priceless.
this morning was really funny in sunday school. it gives me at least semi-hope for this year. i like having dan around...tom's hair is hideous, haha, but i liek it...and of course scott and the quilt and beans...good times.
and can i just say that jasper is waaaay easy on the eyes? not to mention he sems really nice, in an inverted kinda of way... kinda like...haha, no but it's not anything like that. he's not into rock as far as i know, and that's just no somthiong i'd do.
well, do, but not do.
last ngith was good times cept for my back hurting...damn seats...but waiting in the lobby cause ryan "didn't have his license"...parralell parking..looking for matches/boxes....yeah. ithink it was better than sitting at the prunyard...
and can i just sya that i hava a way good outfit today. i'm totally all up ons..um myself...haha, not like that.
Turntable Jessie 12:39 PM [+]
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...ooook. the homicide rate just went down.
"She loves the backseat."
i had fun, really i did, and bonding time is bonding time, but every time i miss time with the girls, i know...haha, that i'm turning into a man? maybe that's it.
i just feel like i lose ground, you know? i lose my connections.
you constantly sit behind the wheel and you forget what it's like to look at anything but the road.
i don't fucking hate you ok? i'm not sour at anyone riht now. i'm having alot of hard times, yeah, whatev. none of it has to do with the people around me. it's situations at home, dealing with what i've done in the last year (or more of haven't), and trying to figure out my faith. again.
i guess that means i should go to the church weekend, huh?
but see, that means not beign with y'all agian. that's what got me into this shit in the first place. i totally wanted to have two seperate lives...totally nto touching each other. now no one "can connect to you, 'cause you always seem like you have some secret agenda....but i know you don't"
thanks pal.
I'm not syaing that my issues don't affect anyone else. of course they do. if i sit around moping like the little bitch i am, someone's gonna end up upset. but iw ant you to know that it isn't about you. somtimes there's just things that affect way too many part of my life, and i can't really control it as much as i would like.
i really was on a roll there for a while, and the earthquake hit again.
turn the bass up, real slow,
and just let your body go.
more about today, later.
Turntable Jessie 11:30 AM [+]
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Wednesday, September 17, 2003
buddha dammit.
after a while you just feel stupid...
i loved the beach. i loved how ryan didn't realize what he was doing till he was all the way in...haha, it's always kinda like that with him...well, seems like it from my point anyways.
i'm really glad we're doing stuff for laura's mom tomorrow. it makes me feel more fufilled that we care enoguh to do stuff that actually matters.
why did christian even bother coming by? i'll never know. i'm glad he did. i wished he didn't talk about what he talked about. i wanted him to tell me about him. about me. us. whatev. i frankly don't care who he fought with this summer...
and my other one... i don't understand how i fooled myself into that. i'm just not right for anyone right now. i get so caught up in the fantasy, but this time it started coming true...and then this. i'm glad that happened though, it brought me back down to reality.
that's a lie. i feel like yesterday's whore.
Turntable Jessie 11:46 PM [+]
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Tuesday, September 16, 2003
that's it... i want a frickin lj!
I hope you're happy
While you smiled in sadness,
you were always loved.
oh marsha marsha marsha...that's how i feel tonight. but hey, bygones, you know? bygones...
tomorrow i go to the beach.
i got the marriage speech again today... certain people are waiting for the day when the perfect guy will come and find me. personally i'm waiting for the day when i can pick the guy myself, thank you very much. not that that will happen anytime soon, as we've seen...haha, unless i get involved in a truth or dare game along the way...yeah, there's a good plan.
Turntable Jessie 11:38 PM [+]
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Sunday, September 14, 2003
"Should I call you in the morning or should I just roll over?"
Turntable Jessie 10:16 PM [+]
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They said tonight was for the taking, but it clearly wasn't mine to take.
i don't know why i'm so damn melonchaly right now. maybe it's the back ache. maybe it was getting lost in freaking oakland. i can't believe i did that.
i still feel really bad for leaving patrick's party. i know it was really important to him and all, and i just skipped out. i hate when people do that to other people, then i go do it... now, it was an important reason to leave. i wasn't just gonna leave ryan out there, i mean, come on. but i feel like i should have been more determined to make it up to him or somthing... i guess later on or somthing...
i like having my alone time, but if i have too much, things get bad. i think about things too hard, you know? that's probabaly what happened...
i saw this kid that someone i know used to deal drugs with tonight. he recognized me, but didn't say anything. for the better, given the situation...he still looks as young as he is, and that still kills me.
this is really selfish, blah blah blah, but i really wished everyone would have stayed like, 2 minuites to say hi... like, i had really wanted to see everyone, (cue overly dramatic music) and what i got was a veiw of the tail lights...haha, i know, i'm a loser...
in the truth of it, of course i'm glad i could help a friend out tonight. on the other hand, i wish i could have gone back out afterwards and had fun...i just had this feeling though that it wouldn't work...
i gotta do somthing with myself.
Turntable Jessie 12:13 AM [+]
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Thursday, September 11, 2003
can't top this!
back to normal posting. boring, i know.
so i have such a crush on this guy right now...i only wish you knew...but alas, i once again don't make the cut...i liked laura's way of putting me down gently:
"well...you know there's os many people to date and...well maybe it's just better to have that ambiguous friendship? you know?"
or mg's "you have every right to live in oblivion for as long as you want"
haha, you know you have good friends when they give you rad stuff like that. i know it's easy to see me being all sarcastic or bitter about this, but i'm truthfully not. i guess i'm kinda amused at myself for leading it this far when i've had a constant hunch that it wouldn't happen. it won't. thanks for stickin with me though guys. serious.
Turntable Jessie 11:53 PM [+]
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the post from the depths (it's 3 1/2 pages!! WOW!!)
that's the difference between you and me. i can just sit here and watch you pass me by.
i think i wrote that somewhere once...and then...
i'm just in a chill mode. things are not right with me, but i know they are on the up side.
School is working well for me. My schedual is working out just as i had planned it, if not better. i feel as if i have school one day, work the next, and i like it. drama and journalism are projects for me now. i love them, and they love me. haha, as i say that, i imagine the distant god of underworld photo journalism is rising from his tomb after a summer of rest, waiting to clench his thirst with my hard earned film and blood...
let's just say i enjoy it.
i'm stressed about the directing project. i promised clinton and burnside i would assistant direct for them. we talked about that since last year. it doesn't makes sense to me why smith would attempt to have a student direct two 10-minuite plays at once, but refuse someone else to direct one and help another for two weeks. once again, i am baffled and a bit apprehensive about it.
i most of my picures in photo albums. i was afraid it would make e feel like a sellout (my pictures are that close to me), and it does, but in a way it makes me proud. it's like they're displayed for someone to see like i want them to be seen, in my order, with my comments. just a little bit proud.
my parents are going crazy. i am convinced that if my dad works another year like he is working now, he's going to fall into a coma. he goes to work at 6, comes home (meaning he doesn't eat until) 8, works on the computer for a few hours, sleeps, then gets up at four for a conference call. everyday. it's just not healthy.
not healthy physically and mentally. he's always tense, and always on the edge. the smallest thing can set him off. this means lots of fighting with me and my mom. i just wish he could relax. my mom's just as stressed about it, seeing as he's just not his normal self. most of the time i wish that i would just hurry the hell up and go to college and that they would move and that they would both go back to school and do somthing hey actually wanted where they actually wanted. i don't know if they ever will.
they make huge attempts to have "family time" but it always gets messed up because of work...lack of conversation...whatev. the thing i wish they wouold understand is that i do love them as parents, and all things considered, they have been/are incredible parents. they don't seem to believe me when i say that. they figure that i'm just another teenager who hates her parents. but i'm not. i only get angry when they don't trust me with that.
i miss my grandparents alot.
i know i said i didn't want to spill to myself, but here is/was the church incident....somthing almost happened with me and matt. we decided it would be a good plan to get it over with. we went to the party, ditched everyone, and i backed out. i realized that there were people in life that i cared about more than him, and that it wasn't fair to tell him he was the only one. i also came to the point where i just didn't want another first to be wasted on a fling. i mean, i've never actually had a boyfriend, and look where i am. it's a bit revolting actually. so i said no. there was a fight, some screaming. he threw this glass at the wall, it broke...everyone figured we knocked it off the table.
it was the most fucking scary event of my life.
now that's said.
i saw shep today for the first time in four months. i was so happy to see him i kissed him on the cheek and punched him...half because of somthing he said, half out of tradition. it made me feel a bit relieved.
i'm really excited for halloween. a party, a rally, kick ass costumes that will go down in history...
yes, i have a crush on someone, but it's trivial. i really was serious about it for a bit, but now it's just somthing that keeps me wanting to do my gov homework. it's amazing motivation actually, but i'm not making any moves until i figure out what he thinks one way or the other...coffee, cds, and echos of "tchernio boychev if you ever touch her again i'll kill you" may ring in my head, but i can't help but realize that i'm just not what he wants.
i'm considering going to san francisco state. yes , i'm thinking about going to college again.
and i guess that brings me to the posse....how bout i just break this down. i'm in such a laid back mood right now that i don't care what hell it's going to cause me later...
i like my friends, alright? guilty as charged. and i for one, am not up for wasting that on somthing small.
let's start near the beginning of the alphabet. sounds good.
i think beth is an amazing person. the other night,s he totally asked how i was doing...she's always up for a good talk... it bums me out somewhat that she had to go through all of that stuff recently, but on the other hand, every does it at some point, right? yes, there's the pessimism, but as i've said a million times before, it's nto always a bad thing. i mean, i can't say that i don't have opinions, you know? i think people need to have the confidence in themselves that when someone says "no, that's stupid", they can look at their own beliefs and make a decision on what they think on it, and stick to it...be it a movie or a life decision. none of this "you said it sucked so i'm gonna get wrapped up" buisness...
i think it's really awesome that mady's sticking with the tennis team this year. i don't know why, i just admire it... i guess it's cause she new what she was getting into, like how many new people there'd be, etc...but she didn't really question it, she jsut did it. i admire that in people.
carlie's just cool like that. we never really get to talk or anything much, but you just get that vibe from hanging out with her that she knows what she's doing... i wish she'd speak up a little more, cause alot of times i don't really know what she's about, you know...i'm tlaking force that girl to a girls night out...haha, more like force jason away form her so she can go on a girls night out.
bryan is such a cool guy, and i can't express to you how happy i am that he's hanging out with us again. the other day i gave him a ride home, and he was totally game for girl talk, it was classic. driving around kendricks housing development..trying to find the damn road, me whining about my problems..."that's a court...court...another court...a plaza...wait, what the hell is a plaza??...oh, crap, it's another court..." haha...
somtimes i'll be chilling with erik and kim, and erik will ask kim "why do you even go out with me?" it's not like he questioning the relationship or doubting it or anything, he jsut kinda takes a step back and wonders why what they have is so good. i feel like that with ryan, without, of course, the mushy romantics. i ahve no actual clue why ryan and i are such good friends. there's no particular thing you cna trace it to. i thought there was, but there isn't. and that's somehow totally ok. i'm kinda glad he's not hoein' it at the moment. i mean, i totally apporve opf whatever he feels like he wants to do, i guess it just makes me feel better for him that he has one, not 90...haha
kasso kasso... so sweet. honestly, i don't thinkt here's anyone int he posse that's as honest and sincere as she is...no, i'm not as good of friends with her as i'd like to be, but i know that there are good times to come, cause none of the times in the past have been bad...kasso, if you're reading this, we still need to trade stories..haha
billy i cross my fingers for. he's got it under control, i know, but it's one of those things where you watch one of your friends go through an exact pattern of somthing that happened to you, and you just kinda worry, but also just breathe a sigh of relief, cuase i know that billy can take it, and that he's determined to figure himself out. i wish more people would do that. i feel bad on him when people kinda pounce on his ideas...don't go all skitzo on me, i'm not syaing they should stop, i know they have valid reasons, whatever. i just know how it feels when you know somthing is true for yourself, but everything and everyone tells you you're wrong.
laura. yeah...i still love laura like a best friend, but in the past few weeks, i realized what a selfless idiot i was being. i'm the one whose always talking about just taking change for what it is and working with it, and i was whining to go back to how things were. in other words, right now, i will say that i know nothing abotu laura at this moment. i get the vibe frm her that she's having a blast ding her thing, and that's what's important. i can say that without shame, cause i know that as her friend, i just want her to do herself right.
jessica my namesake... everytime jessica goes on a good guy hunting trip, i miss out by defualt. it's quite dissapointing, cause i know we could have some wicked times together...not togetehr together, but haha, you know. she appeals to my fuck it and go have fun side, which i really can't tap into with too many other people in the posse.
and what about susan? i wish susan could hang out forever... like, somtimes she takes a little while to get into the groove of hanging out, but it's totally cool, cause when she does, we party hardy...and she has the best way of giving advice ever. like, no matter what i say to her, she has somthing sensible to say about it. be it burrows or family shite...
Valerie I am proud of for getting through all that she has. I wish she would realize hwo highly we all think of her. Everyone always talks about how they wish they had some confirmation that she even liked us..haha, that’s how much we love her…val is the only degrassi member who has real reaches in the drama dept…sometimes I worry about the fact that someone is going to know about all the stupid things I do, but then I sit back and laugh and just realize how lucky I am to have someone to experience it with.
jason will live through this year. he will be sucsessfull, good on the track, and continually better and better as a lover and friend. while there is no question of whether this will happen or not, i'm pretty proud of him.
maggie is a great kid, and i am glad things are straightening out with her. she's one of those people who doesn't have much shit to deal with, but when it rains for her, it pours. i just cross my fingers that she'll make the decisions that will be good for her. and no matter whether i agree or disagree or never even know about what she chooses to do, i totally support her. after all, i don't put up with someone for 7 years for nothing. haha...
matt played this song at the party on friday, before the fiasco...i know it's a love song, but even as i was singing it, all i could think of was singing it to the posse...my very own italian family...which i guess was a mjor contribution to later events of that night...but whatever. here it is...
Am I the only one that feels alone?
Though, all is home
Emotions flow.
Am I the only one that hears the tears run down my face ?
Would anybody recognize at all?
Cause I know
I'm so slow
But I'm still trying
And I'm still dying to know
Say you won't leave for the rest of my life
Life's the only thing that deals the pain
Like pouring rain
Breeding hate
And I don't wanna do no wrong
My God, it's been so long
Please comfort me
Before I go insane
Cause I know
I'm so slow
But I'm still trying
And I'm still dying to know
Say you won't leave for the rest of my life...
i know it sounds negativeand all, but when you hear the music, you realize that it's really a realizationt hat there is someone there...no matter who that might end up to be...i know, i'm tacky.
i try.
Turntable Jessie 6:30 PM [+]
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Wednesday, September 10, 2003
How's this for a title, biotch?
so i still can't have comments, but i can at least have a title. so there. this si really petty, but i'd like to commplain about the fact that the blogger you see on a pc is diferent than a blog on a mac. so i'm always posting iin different boxes...haha, ii know, i know, i think the phrase is "deal with it"
Turntable Jessie 4:35 PM [+]
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Tuesday, September 09, 2003
ok, so this one is verging on a calll for assistance...
i don't know what i'm doing anymore...i'm just so....tense... and i really need to spill some shit... i'm sick of not saying things, you know? but you can't just spill it to yourself all the time. not when you're me anyways... i talk to myself alll the time...but when you imagine the fact that you're closed up in you room, you realize that you just need to talk to some one...
haha, in other words, if you don't want to hear the sob story, better run. otherwise...
call or somthing.
Turntable Jessie 8:54 PM [+]
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Monday, September 08, 2003
order of events
friday:
school
ryan's hair ("it looks nice....in spots")
cosentinos...yeah, i'm good for the weekend too
the dance... so dirty, but decent
THE JEALOUS SOUND>>>>>>OH MY GOSH... i'm getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it
weinershcnitzel...the fullest i've ever seen it
Saturday
coffee with beth
san francisco
finding market/mission
finding pink shirts
"you see, girls have neverending energy. they just have to go into the bathroom, put on a little makeup, and they're good to go. boys have to go into the shower, soap up...and you know... it just takes a little time! you have to give boys a break for that honey"
maagie's
sunday
church. first day of sunday school. one of two seniors...oh well
coffee
cds....thank heavens
laura's...oh the sights and sounds....the sounds....
more coffee
youth group....arrrrggg...old maid...master....cardboard tube fights...SO much fun
dinner with the church crew....oy
and how do i feel? like i got hit by a greyhound. and dying. i feel like dying.
Turntable Jessie 10:48 PM [+]
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Thursday, September 04, 2003
"That's why he's being so nice! He's happy with his life now!"
i'm not being sarcastic with this. it's this easy, simplistsic happiness that makes high school worth it for me.
Turntable Jessie 10:14 PM [+]
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look, i'm sorry if it made you angry.
and i'm not trying to be bitchy about it either... you know me well enoguht o know that when somthing happens, i get so mad i could kill someone for like 15 minuites. then it cools off. yes, i'm imature and lame because of it. you don't have to tell me that. but could we maybe just try to work on it instead of just ranting off? i'd like to try...
i have fun with my friends, and i kills me when a)they can't have fun too and b)don't understand where i'm coming from.
i wasn't trying to be malicious. i just wanted to hang out.
Turntable Jessie 3:07 PM [+]
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Tuesday, September 02, 2003
i don't exactly take that back either... let's just say it's ...overshadowed...
"never take it back."...deal
anyway, tonight...i continued to feel like an idiot...haha, a little less of an idiot i guess... but still an idiot...oh well. there's always johnny depp, right?
thanks to all who've helped me through this worthless peice of shit crush. heh.
Turntable Jessie 11:08 PM [+]
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i can't believe you're letting me down like this.
you of all people,w ho claimed they couldn't stand small talk... i haven't seen you my friend, in so long. and no, the nights with the posse don't count. you know it's not the same. i'm just jealous, ok? some of us have people to run to, some of us don't. and i don't happen to right now.
i ditched everything for my friends, and now they're "too far above me".
i feel like i'm ust cleaning things up and burying them. everywhere. cleaning up matt's porn, pretending these lame ass conversations never happened... i kinda want to deal with somthings that's mine, you know? but i'm really not that exciting apparently.
i know, i know, cry me a river. story of my life, believe me.... i just need somone to make me feel better than i do now...
Turntable Jessie 7:47 PM [+]
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Monday, September 01, 2003
last night i had a dream that i made love with jason webely in the woods next to the outhouse.... october 4th, here i come...heh
Turntable Jessie 2:55 PM [+]
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Turntable Jessie 11:45 AM [+]
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an interesting end to the day... lots of trouble early on, as said before...everyone wanted to come over, which was totally fine, but i guess i was kinda hoping that we could do somthing outside or somthing intead of inside...but of course i was wrong,a nd it turned out pretty damn fine...
driving with jason is always fun. i hadn't done it in a while... billy hit his sugar low and started totally zoning out...and farting...
billy, can "one burbon..." be our song? i hope so. i think i'm goign to consider it that whther you like it or not. cha.
ryan blatently pointed out to me that i couldn't find anyone as good as him. unfortunately i couldn't think of a rebutal.... you know, i suppose i'll actually have to find someone decent (fine, someone "as good as ryan"...haha), but right now i really don't want to. i'm fucking 17, and i want a relationship where we can both fuck each other up...just to do it.
haha, can i just mention how horrible my senior pics are? i look srunk in half of them...i'm just sooo not photogenic...like, is eriosuly do not want these anywhere in my house...haha
Turntable Jessie 12:37 AM [+]
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