... california dreaming ...

Wednesday, February 26, 2003

Tongiht could have possibly been the best ngiht of my life, and all i can do is sit here in shock.

Tonight at school, Smith stopped to talk to me about how i should try out for the next play... conversations started innocently enough, but i got around to how i shouldn't because of the talent show. He told me some reasons why i should try to make it work. Some of the things he said were the some of the best compliments i've ever gotten, some of the only as of late. it was like, i didn't even know how to respond. Just when i started thinking i was at my worst, someone comes in with this.and coming from him, it really did mean alot to me. i had to leave right after that, and i felt so incredibly good, but so scared at the same time. I kept thinking, what the hell am i doing with myself? i mean, do i trust what he says and take the jump, or do i go the safe route. (this obviosuly goes a bit further into the future than just this play). Honetsly, i could be an english teacher or somthing. hell, i could be a youth minister for all it's worth. easily. but do i take the risk and do somthng with what i love? it'll get everyone all riled up, for sure. that might just be somthing to see.

later tonight, lee anne called. she said that they had a meeting tonight and decided to give me the summer intern position again (they were going to cut it before = i was going to be really really screwed). But they opened it back up. not just because, but (from what i hear) but because it was me. somthing about dedication and such. and, as a super cool extra thing that i totally didn't even ask for, they're giving me 2,000 bucks, PLUS paying for my camps (last year when all was said and done i got 400). so obviously, i was really happy. it was also really cool to hear that some people there are behind the youth group again. it was iffy for a while. no one like lee anne so they didn't want to support her. what they didn't realize though is that no support for lee anne meant no support for any of us... but somthing she told me that almost got to me more than the job was that they want me and matt to sing and play again for worship on saturday. and they didn't just come up with it, they requested us. We did such a bad job last time, i thought they'd ban us forever, but i hear that they really liked how we did it, and thought we did pretty good considering all things. and, exactly like the smith ordeal, it's the people it was coming from that really made it for me. All of those people (especially vince) have always been... sorta idols to me. and to even hear that they can stand being around me is amazing, not to mention actually liking somthing that i love to do...unfortunately, i have no one to share it with at this time... but i'm basking in my own sunlight just the same.

Turntable Jessie 11:42 PM [+]
...

and i'm back. "you were gone?" ok, yeah, thanks.

i feel like i'm reaching out to people too much. in my mind, i'm on my knees, begging for someone to give a damn. and how pathetic is that? my family is constantly going on about "you're too old for your age" "you've been through too much" "you poor little thing, you never had time to be a kid" but it's all sympathy. all of it. so ok, let's say i'm "experienced in the medical world". heh. but you know, i mean, that could be anything right now. am i ok? am i going to keel over in two hours? who knows. and i frankly don't care anymore. ok, i mean, i care, but. alright, starting over. i undersatnd that i'm running on borrowed time. but i've been lucky this far. who's to say that i won't live to see 100? no one that i know. so do any of these thought prevent me, physically stop me, from being a regular teenager? of course not. that's bull shit. so why can't anyone just face the facts and treat me like a real person?

ooh, and jessie solves her own problem again. i'm glad i circle my conversations so much. it makes it easier... so i'm "reaching out" for some one to "take me seriosuly". well well well... haha, i think my other problem might be that i'm talking to myself and diagnosing my mental problems? haha, yeah, that might be a prob in itself...

Turntable Jessie 12:22 AM [+]
...

all i wanted to do today was get out of the house. so when we ended up with no where else to go but my "pad", i can't admit i was ancious to get there. i mean, some of it was alright. for instance, seeing billy and ryan in the tube top was almost worth getting yelled at afterwards (god forbid that there's water on the bathroom floor...). it was a night that i coulda used a hug. i just keep thinking about the stupid trip and how mad my parents are going to gt at me if i make the wrong choice and let them down... they've actually said to me that they wish to live their lives through me. no pressure there, i assure you. it hink that's why i procrastinate so much with stuff like college and all. i feel like if i make the wrong choice, i'll let them down somehow, so i might as well put it off. i don't even know what i want to be, and they're wishing i was a wealthy, well to do, full grown, and did i mention wealthy, woman. and instead i'm a fat little girl with no social skills.......and it all leans on "the choices i make"
heh, just like good old joe millionare.

Do you really want to live forever, forever, forever young?

Turntable Jessie 12:30 AM [+]
...

it's sucks hard when you try to help someone and reach out to them, but in their misery, they continually insult you and put you down. you know they didn't mean it (or you hope not), but it makes it even harder to help...it makes a knot in the end... i want to get out of the house, but it seems that others have priority on out of the housing... someone please call in now....

Turntable Jessie 12:27 PM [+]
...

school. home. park. mg's restraunt.

and then i got the guts to call him. and i'll be damned if he said ok.
and i'll be even more damned if he satyed a while. possibly had fun.

bonfire at my house. best of best... amazing company. amazing music. and then he had to leave.

and i liked him so much that i forgot it was valentines day. i wonder if he thinks i'm an idiot. i wonderif he thinks i'm worth it.

"you two made a good pair. he has the guitar skills, you had the voice. it was perfect."
"tell him that."

i wonder if he's thinking about me tonight.

Turntable Jessie 12:36 AM [+]
...

sometimes, i just get to feeling the shittiest of the shittiest, you know? i mean, it's just one of those things. it seems like a drag for most of my friends to have me along when they go place. every one else is frustrated with somthing or another and i can't say jack shit about it that would be usefull. I'm noth fat and ugly, with no prospect of ever having an actual date before i get out of high school unless it's another dumb ass stupid fling with some idiot that doesn't like me anyway. i'm a total klutz with a tendancy to break large peices of furniture. I'm about 67% dumber than anyone i know. I don't know what i'm going to do with my life. I worship morons who obviously don't like me whatsoever (for the above reasons)......shit.

Turntable Jessie 3:12 PM [+]
...

and on to complaining about a different person...
who am i to say that you say the wrong thing? and who am i to say that what you want is skewed. and how am i supposed to know that you don't give a damn about me any more as a person. when i need to spill, i can't be around you. i really wish that i could just spit it all out to you for once. you know and not have to wait for my turn. just talk becasue you're going to listen and tell me what you think....but what right do i have to be so spoiled as to constantly want that?

i think you're just going to have to be patient with me.

Turntable Jessie 9:52 PM [+]
...

why why why why why

this is a note to anyone of the male orgin that happens to be reading this. you know who you are. hopefully.

why do guys have the need to flirt with girls that they don't like? i mean, everyone says that girls do it too, and i'm not saying that it's a false statement, i'm just trying to level things out. If you like a girl, go for her. don't waste your time on pathetic other people who you'd never even consider anyway. and i knwo that showing off is inscribed in yoru genes, but could you save it for the one you like? honestly. i know your truck can take a curb. that's what it's built to do. you don't have to show me...

and for some reason i still looked...

Turntable Jessie 3:19 PM [+]
...

ayyy last night...

ryan's was bien...the play was bien...imoralities were also bien...and afterwards afterwards afterwards....no foriegn word can describe the bien-ness. thanks.

Turntable Jessie 10:55 AM [+]
...

last night was was of those "completelly collapse into your bed because you cannot muster any more emotion" kind of nights. and let's just say that it had a good reason for it too.

i think a theme to the people that pissed me off yesterday was that you should always be aware of what you're doing. you need to realize who your talkig to, what your saying. no matter what. if you don't feel like paying attention, that's fine, but you have to be willing to accept it when someone gets hurt... i dealt with several cases of this in the last 24 hours. it's oddish. someone told me yesterday tha maybe it means i'm not following my own advice.. maybe true.....so that's the worst of the worst.

the middle of the middle: ALL of my friends came to the show tonight, and that made me so extremely happy. i mean, wouldn't it make you happy to have everybody come to the place you love in good spirits? yes. if you're sane... i mean, this is kinda ghetto to say, but it was like i was showing it off, you know. it was like, this is what i've done, this is what i'm doing. see, i don't really slack off all my life. i'm actually being productive for doing what you hate me for. but it really did remind me how just... apart from everyone i am. i think that's what i'm trying to say. like, i don't really fit in with my friends because of everything i've experienced elsewhere, and i get so stubborn because i can't accept things witht hem for how hey are. and i only fit in backstage because.. well, no one fits in. haha. so yeah, that one's gonna leave me thouroughly screwed for another year and a half.

good points of the day were anytime someone treated me like a real person. like, you know when you first meet someone, it's really fake, but then you just get to the point where you can just talk like a human being? that's nice. very much so.

i got this email this morning. it made me smile:
JUST WRITIN TO SAY HELLO. DAREDEVIL COMES OUT NEXT WEEK.WHAT MOVIE IS DAVID BOWIE COMING OUT WITH...HUH? WHATS THAT? NO MOVIE. I GUESS HE SUCKS!!!

heh, thank you justin...

Turntable Jessie 10:26 AM [+]
...

wow, hell of a week. but lets focus on the good times, shall we?

nice back rubs
nicer talks
"HEY DONALD!!!"
"THUS! oh yes! Thus!"
the lizard...RIP
finding somone who's truly on track... whatever track that may be
"STOP BARKING!"
walkie talkie sing alongs
eric...jesus..."REPENT!" "uh, i'll try"
"pat, put your clothes on"
adrian, put your clothes on
jack, put your clothes on
brad (yeah,ok you got it)

hmm, yeah, notice that none of these are actually from the school day. or home. or anywhere else for that matter... somtimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name....dun dun da...

and just think, it's only wednesday.. ah, which means that it's almost thursday which means that we cna sing this:
so i decide
to close my eyes
and age for a while
take a hint
and relax for some time
it's only thursday
to hell with this day
you keep me hanging on
i can relate
you keep me hangin on
to your embrace
when i saw you
the last time
breaching out
of salvation
so you're on display
but i'm the one they want this time
so you're on dispay
but i'm the one they want

time for a WELL deserved 6 and a half hours

Turntable Jessie 11:48 PM [+]
...

my only...you owe me....

Turntable Jessie 6:56 PM [+]
...

sometimes you can feel like a completely different person. and it cna feel good. and you can even go as far as to know what you're doing.

"this is so illegal!"
"Justin! i thought you had better taste!"
"Nice shoes, bigfoot."
"VINCE!!! SOMEONE STOLE THE ROCK!!! VINCE!!!!"
"hey baby boy..." "don't worry about it, he's really just talking to his mom."
"If he's slow, he knows it."
"i'm just getting some water...oh shit!"
"hey, why don't you take a partner with you?"
"I'M A MAN."
and oh my lord the boy in in and out burger...whew...

and today was a landmark. i realized why amidst everything, i still remain friends with jason. ask me soemtime if you're bored and curious.

Turntable Jessie 10:39 PM [+]
...

somtimes i do, somtimes i don't.

i hate when things that should make you feel good make you feel bad. like finally being a part of someone's life, only to find more hate and stress in them... why can't we all just... i don't know... live with no regrets...? then there's the middle senario, where a thing can be both good and bad. such as really feeling truely comfortable around a person. just knowing that it's ok, because they trust you and you trust them even though you don't know each other in the least. and finally there are those moments when you just feel good. today's winner is the power of human touch. how much a hand on your shouldar can be. escpecially for us only children. heh. and it feels good to compliment someone, even when you secretly know that they're a load of shit that smokes cigars in a bush across the street form the school...and it's nice to smile at someone and ask for their number, when you know that you're vision of them is completely wrong.. just a dream. and that you'd never really date them even if they would give you a second glance. and it's great to walk around the house naked once in a while.

and damn,
it's good to be a gangsta.

Turntable Jessie 12:15 AM [+]
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