... california dreaming ...

Tuesday, March 25, 2003

the phone conversation that conviniently sums up both my day and the current bane of my existance.

-hey
-hey
-so um, are you really sick or were you just trying to avoid me?
-heh, no, i'm really sick
-you sound it.
-thanks alot.
-anything for you....
-sure
-well shit, we didn't make out on saturday night or anything, did we? i can't remember
-like fuck you can't
-well? did we? i mean, i wouldn't want to catch anything
-you know very well whether we did or didn't.
-haha, ok, ok, i'll let it go. so really, how are you feeling?
-my head feels like a brick. the rest of me feels fine though
-are you coming on to me?
-screw you
-would you?
-dammit
-haha, yeah.
-ok, so really, why did you call?
-i just.. you know, wanted to see how you were
-well, ok then. now you know
- no, i mean, about last weekend
- i don't want to talk about that right now.
-really?
-of course i don't
- i figured you would want to yell at me for somthing
- i don't feel like it
- you must really be sick.
-yeah.
- ok. you gonna be at school tomorrow?
- maybe
-ok. get some sleep or somthing
-yeah

-love you.

-love you too.

-night.

Turntable Jessie 7:16 PM [+]
...

you know the parts in those really great songs when the male vocalist is singing really low and slow and than he hits this gorgeous high note, and you can feel you can feel the air gush out of your lungs a little bit?

yeah, it's like that.

Turntable Jessie 4:21 PM [+]
...

whew, H to the E to the L squared A wild day.

fist is first, my "shortened" war schpiel:
i am against the war, from what i know,but i feel like a moron for saying that. i know nothing about the details of this war, just the basic idea, and i question if that's even true. maybe even wally is right for all i know. i don't know anything about anything, so how would i know what kind of weapons iraq really has? however, i do know that here at home we are having a situation, and that i would much rather our country take care of our own internal problems before we go out for this. like the education deal, the budget cuts. cripes, even gas prices. somthing. it's like, i want to see improvement while this is happening. then agian, i wouldn't be the one to say that if we didn't go to war now, we'd get blown up next week. no one can say that. it's just. frusterating. This is one of those times where californians pay their dues. yes, we live in an amazingly liberal-in-the-way-that-you-can-think-whatever-in-the-fuck-you-want state, but look at all of the shit we're causing for ourselves. The rest of the country is in support of the war, give or atkae a random city or two. that's why we don't matter. people keep running aorund like crazy saying that bush won't listen to the public, but that may or may not be true. california is the only state with a large amount of people not supporting the war, and it's not even a majority, but since these people are californians, they voice it. loud. and anyone who knows me should knwo that i support that 100%. why do you think i want to stay here? people get off their asses and do things here, not just sit aorund and compolain. heh, usually.

but now i may be eating my words, as i'm getting extremely frusterated with many of the protests going on. right now. two cases in point:
point a: here-
ok, sure, i can see how the fast is an effective way to protes. definately. kudos in finding a way to be heard. i mena that sincerely,. but a few comments made about it have really made me desperate for some sort of sanity. aside from all the idiots walking aorund our school who have to ask what a fast is (oh, you wish i was joking), i am also dissapointed in a certain, ahem, leader or the situation, just looking for names, and expecting the merc to make a huge deal ove it? i don't think so honey. you'd be lucky to make the campbell times if all you have is 50 signatures. you have to pull it together. make an event out of it. than it's not just a thought. it's an action with meaning. second, was a comment made by our favorite "respected individual". hje tells this girls that chris was talking to that since the US has begun considering action, 100,000 children have died of satrvation in iraq.

thsi is where i get angry. here it goes, you can kick my ass for it later.
YOU MORON. think about this, ok, just give it a shot. WHEN IN THE HELL DID THIS LITTLE FACTOID OCUR TO YOU? it doesn't matter anymore. the war has started. yeah, a couple thousand people died from starvation. it's a terrible thing, and your fighting it, but try facing this one for me.

People are already dead. They have died today because of this war. Not because of torture and opression, not from starvation. They died today. Because of the war itself. The war has started, and people will continue to die until the war is over.

you have the cause. you have the passion. but you missed the timing by about a mile.

once you've drowned, it's too late to learn how to swim.

whew, that took somthing out of me, i've completely lost the thought to write anything else. sporatic highlights of the day:

guitar playing
dancing with sharpies
"it was off! did you see it? it was off!"
guiatr playing
"will you miss me nest year?" "of course" "you fucking lier. you knwo you're going to see me all the time"
the jeep topless in the rain, with steve up against me, pretending we weren't, 6 guys pushing on the damn thing until kristi realizes that we just moved with clip the wrong way. way to go team.

hmm, yeah, the only other thing i'm getting is the guitar playing..
he hates me...yeah, he fuckin hates me.....

Turntable Jessie 10:46 PM [+]
...

yeah, i wish you could consider me a friend too.

oh, you were joking?
...
yeah, so was i.

Turntable Jessie 2:33 PM [+]
...

Your Guy is Wild Kyle!

The guy for you is Wild Kyle.

He is a spontaneous, crazy guy who always has surprises up his sleeve.

He is always up for anything and isn't afraid of your kinky ways.

With a man like Wild Kyle, you will always have someone to go on an adventure with.



What Guy is Right for *You*?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

i won't say anything.

about this.
but i did forget to mention somthing else. playing guitar in class is bad for other's health. wearing overly flattering shirts when you're someone that someone else has never considered before is also dangerous. possibly deadly. i skipped several beats today... "it's liek a new world, but it a new Mi..."

you get the picture.

Turntable Jessie 6:40 PM [+]
...

saturday proved with another night of... nighttime?

horrible hair experience. whorible, i'm telling you, just trust me on that. i don't really regret doing it, i just realize how soon i'll have to dye it back.

saturday night was alright for fighting, i declare. willow street willow street (and the male employee in the womens restroom? oy), quality gas, frozen yougurt, and wearable reflactors. quck side dash to the billiards, to see what was going on. and boy was it going on. everyone is getting a bit fed up with each other in that part of the dimension...
much like others. sadly.
then to the park. where it was col. and 11 pm. so we got into the jeep. yes, all 6 of us. and billy had gas. bad gas. and there were druggies, and soon after there were cops. and we tried to leave. we were told to stay. and so we did. and we sat and sat and sat and billy farted and we sat. and finnaly a wonderful poloiceman comes up to the car, releasing us from our prison with a comical "wait, what are you doing in here?"

i guess i really have shared some moments with people. in dark pool halls, outside of dark pool halls, on street corners, in cars, and in billy's house being forced to watch porn until maggie took the spoon out of her pants.

what?

oh yes. oh yes.

Turntable Jessie 6:40 PM [+]
...

breakin the law, breakin the law.

i was so tired last night, so things really kind of lost some gusto for me, but still, i had a good time. so that's gotta be pretty good...being held hostage under strage circumstances... oh man. and i really did like driving around, as regretful as i should have been. i kinda wish that i had somewhere to go like that though. you know? (this is not meant in any bad manner towards my comerades at all) (honestly). heh... yeah, it was just kinda like, i was driving to drive, and they were riding to go somewhere that i wasn't allowed to know about or somthing...i don't know? maybe i do maybe i don't. it just gave me a weird feeling. like when you're in a place with alot of people and... damn emo thoughts. i probabaly sound pretty dumb right now. ah, let it die, let it die...

and i wonder...if anything could ever be this this real forever.. .if anything could ever be this good again.

Turntable Jessie 9:11 AM [+]
...

tonight made me feel really good.

"ok, you're not going to remember me but w-"
"oh god, JESSIE??"
i saw so many people who knew me how i wanted them to know me. none of them knew all the crap, and i happen to know that they don't really care to know. that was nice. to just sit there and think about how good it was
"wait, how's that gonna work if you're graduating in a few months?"
"well i'm not graduating this ye-"
and how there were new people to meet who could trust the fact that i could be ok
"yeah jess. aren't you leaving for college soon?"
and just how buff that damn jerk was.

i seriously feel misplaced. by a year. possibly by a distance. what am i going to do next year? sit aorund. wonder why i didn't take my chances while i had them. wonder why i can't find another guy who can act and sing and play guitar and trust me at the same time.

yeah, sounds like a plan to me.

Turntable Jessie 12:28 AM [+]
...

i wish i could tell you what i've seen. i wish i could tell you, anyone, everything. but it'll be a long time before that happens.

and i feel so cheated. there's this expanding disgust in my chest and i can feel it like it's going to slit my throat in my sleep. and that's not an option to talk about wither.

and i feel so cramped in this room, with so much noise and confusion and things that don't matter as much as people, as the friends that i want to never hesitate for.

and for the first time in a long time (i always say that) i feel so...comfortable. knowing that even if i can't tell any one person everything, i can disperse it in little bits until i know that i can wait.

nothing's good unless it's feirce,
and nothing's worth it unless it burns.

Turntable Jessie 10:48 PM [+]
...

i've never been so alone. and i've...

i've never been so alive.

Turntable Jessie 10:07 PM [+]
...

an entry in two parts.

part I- friendship
tonight was rough. very rough. i just constantly felt out of anything that was happening. i felt really down and...just kinda there. and i knwo, i know, you're thinking that i brought it on myself. and i do, i'm sure, but that's not where i'm going with this. The point is that there were a few individuals (two in particular) that were able to get me back on track through the simplest things. one, i only saw for a few short minuites this evening, but just realizing how well we could comunicate without saying anything was amazing. the conversation went a bit like this "so, how's it going over there?" "it's good. pretty crazy, but nothing new". two sentences exchanged infront of a table of peopelt aht didn't know better, but in those sentences, our eyes said everything. we questioned, we commiserated. it's incredible to think that i hated him once. and the other is my savior of the evening. someone just willing to go and just ahve a good time. howvever, in the proscess, she was able to totally cheer me up, from singing crappy songs to rescuing me from being stranded. gracias, mi compardre.

part II- crazy little thing called.... infatuation
today i encountered two individuals that i truely dd not feel good enough for. call it lack of self esteem, but honestly now. think about it. why would anyone (besides my faithful friends who've been brainwashed to like me...hehe) randomly think "oh hey, lets hang out with jessie." honestly.
first is a pure infatuation. the most amazing guiatrist i had ever heard. i saw him walking into school this morning with his guitar, and all i could think about was if and when he was going to play. so when i heard at luch, i was there in no time. he was just so... fucking attractive.s eriosuly. his shirt unbuttoned just enough, his hair all over the place, oh and yeah, the little tiny detail that he happened to be FUCKING AMAZING ON THE GUITAR. after the bell rang, i thank him for playing and he goes "aw, it was nothing really".... whew... now that's called having a crush on a rockstar right there.... man.
the second is the non rockstar almost realistic one. why the heck do i keep seeing hima orund??!?! it's so bizarre. it's like seeing him in sporadic places is a normal thing now. his eyes are so b;lue. and i never know what to say. i looked really out of it tonight, and i probably sounded like it too. i bet it was pretty pathetic. oh well. it just kills me, cuase it's like, ok, ok, he;s not interested. seriously. i mean, maybe he's like A-sexual or shy or somthing, but there's no way to fix that. or it's just that he flat out doesn't like me. and i convinced myself that that was ok. but truthfully. you're in a hole in the wall billiard around midnight, and you see him across the room. how can you not talk to him....seriously.

did i mention his eyes were really blue? f f f f f f f.

Turntable Jessie 1:12 AM [+]
...

it makes you think of leaving

everything.

leave your things
leave your suitcase
leave your keys
leave your bank statements
leave your office
leave your family
leave your bed
leave your confusion
leave your love
leave your love
leave your dignity
leave your soul
leave everything

everything you wanted.

and for me?

for me.

for me,
leave a single
burning match on
on your damn hardwood floors.

Turntable Jessie 10:17 PM [+]
...

so tell me do you think it'd be alright, if i could just crash here tonight...

i think i just have an overflow of hormones or somthing. i'm sexually repressed. somthing. dammit. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.....hmm. what a painfully appropriate choice of curses....

i seriously didn't mean to think about anything today. iw anted to go to school. leave. sleep. maybe eat somthing. but no.

my deepest, sincerest condolences go out to everyone having love troubles right now. Whether you're in the course of hurting or have just gotten over it, i sincerely feel for you. i can't quite comiserate, seeing as i haven't ended anything big. i've ended alot of shitty randomness, but trust me, not of you have shitty randomness. and that's a good thing. you've had some good points, and even if you're over, those points are always there. you can't erase that. hang in there.

as for me, i need a seriosu girl talk at some point. (yeah, ok, one of those girl guy tlaks that end up being a girl talk is ok too..haha)...i just, have so much to say. i don't know. i'm fine to wait, but within the next month or so... i have alot of guts to spill.... a lot of people are on my mind. and i'm not going to do anything with any of them. i knwo alot of you don't believe that, but i have no intentions of getting my little fucked up life involved with someone else right now. at all. but still, you need someone to think abotu, you know? and don't you wish that someone was there to hold you somtimes? yeah. we all do.

because if some one was there to hold you, some things would be a bit easier. and if someone offers to hold you...

dammit. you should have never told me her was unhappy with her.

Turntable Jessie 4:37 PM [+]
...

and what if i did?

haha, i had this theory that february was just a really screwed month for everyone, and once march hit, it'd be better, but look what i go and do. i hate fricking doing stuff like that, but i still get myself into these situations.. yeah, i know, a moment of passion is exotic and thrilling and blah blah blah but what the helll could be better than actually being involved with someone who wants you and you want them simultaneously? i can't say i know to tell you the truth, seeing as i've never seen this situation...when it's this way, the regrets can be treacherous...and even when you talk it over and apologize and work it out, you're still dying inside. you're still wishing that could have lasted in real life...

and because of the whole ordeal, i was incredibly bitchy tonight. which meant i didn't mix well with some of my fellow suffering comrades. it's jst one of those things, you know, really bad timing for little things to happen. I hate when people think they should lie to their freinds. i won't hide that from you. It's like, i have this hope where i know that my friends lie to me all the time, but i hope to god that they don't lie to each other. i hope that their in someway decent people. so when i see someone lying to someone else, it just makes me depressive. ecsepecially when i have to make exuses for it. "oh, just don't worry about uit" "they're not always like this. really." and i'm thinking in my mind please don't think they're bitches. they're my friends and i love them and i wasnt you to think the same no metter if you'll see them again or not. i don't want you to take this first impression

i probably just worry to much. but honestly, when all you need is to know is that things are real, that you have some friendships that are true and not just a peice of passion on a leather couch, lying and bitterness are the last things you need.

Turntable Jessie 1:30 PM [+]
...

i'm glad i'n not completely terrible. i think it's a nice thing that people can tolerate me. to say it simply.

"i was listening to the used"
"wait, i thought you were used?"

yeah, i'm kinda feeling quite the tool lately (and not in the hoe sense... or the band sense for that matter.) i don't know. it's sorta like, i wish i wasn't just there for everyone else's benefit. maybe if i was there for mine too, it'd be cool. but even though i hate it, i know i have nothing better to do.. maybe if people just wouldn't make it so obvious.. i don't know...

and yes, i saw the jealous sound....i think i could've died. twice. I knew they would sound different in concert, seeing as their stuff i always so teched up, but it wasn't just different, it was amazing. they totally palyed around with how they did thing, but it still sounded good...

haha, and drunk people think i'm entertaining to talk to. that's gotta count for somthin....

Turntable Jessie 1:39 AM [+]
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