... california dreaming ...

Monday, May 26, 2003

definately a long summer it will be:

nervous?
"ryan, you have no idea how hard it is"
beth and that dern sexy hair! in truth though, i'm having muchos fun with beth around these days. she's such a muchos cool chica...
sand in billy's pants
laura's perfect determination to sexually abuse billy
and of course, ryan's car breaking down, and all of us sitting squished in my car, waiting for ryan's dad...

i'm ready for it.

Turntable Jessie 10:15 PM [+]
...

ooh, that was a diss. definately. ok. seeya later then.

Turntable Jessie 7:15 PM [+]
...

see, tonight. that's what i'm talkign about. just chillin. like, just sitting, talking, poking, harassing... it's the good times...

- ryan and billy stripping while i was driving. fucking gorgeous i tell you. haha.
- ryan deciding that small peices of paper would get rid of his his sticking problem, which resulted in billy sticking two frickin sheets of newspaper down his pants. not to mention adrians reaction...
- trying to hold jasons hand while we went to the bathroom
- laura changing all the rap lyrics
- beth being "sad" but really actually happy.
- wishing with all of my being that carlie and jason would get together
- and of course, just chillin in the jeep, spillin mad info...

it was a true breath of fresh air. even if i do feel like an ugly whore more than i ever have, i still loved it.

Turntable Jessie 1:16 AM [+]
...

alright, it's pretty obvious that somthing was wrong for everybody about last night... and i, in my stupidity, didn't catch. well, part of it i did.

in truth my love, he should be groveling at your feet wanting to get your number. he's lucky as hell to even have you think about him. that's what i think.

but the rest of it... i don't know. i feel kinda like a traitor or somthing. like, i was of flirting with mr. it'll never happen while my friends were more or less in the pits... ah frustration. to clear my mind of it's clouds, i am going to give in to online journal pressure. here it goes. got this fatty one fr/ tomm's site.

NAME (FULL): Jessica Renee Horvath
EYE COLOUR: dreamy brownish circles. sorta. haha
HAIR COLOUR: whatever color you want it to be at this point. at the moment, tis brown, but soon i'm hoping for either blue or red streaks.
ONE THING ABOUT YOU THAT MAKES YOU UNIQUE: I want your mom.
BEST FRIEND: (GIRL) (in no particular order) MG, Laura, Kim, Katye, Beth y Carlie,
BEST FRIEND: (BOY) Ryan, Billy, Erik, John


&&&&&DO YOU&&&&&

KEEP A DIARY? yeah, two. the other one is a secret written one that gets all the important events.
LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR OFTEN? yes. all the frickin time. i'm fucking gorgeous..haha, not really.
HAVE A BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND? thanks heavens no
IF SO WHO ARE THEY? yo momma
HAVE A CRUSH? always
FOR HOW LONG HAVE YOU LIKED THIS PERSON? couple of months on and off. i'm not sure if i'm serious about it though.
DOES HE/SHE KNOW? well i've made it obvious enough.. .some kids just don't learn.
GET GOOD GRADES? except for the history incident
GET SCARED EASILY? not particularly
CRY A LOT? try not to
GET HURT EASILY? if it's regarding my frieds, yeah
HAVE AN ENEMY? none that i can think of
GO TO BED LATE? all the time
GO TO BED EARLY? rarely
SAVE YOUR ASSINGMENTS FOR THE LAST MINUTE? aww yeeah
PRETEND YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT A CERTAIN PERSON BUT YOU ACTUALLY DO? haha, that's my middle name. a really long one, but it is.
KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW Up? famous.
HAVE FIGHTS OFTEN? fake ones. "drunken" fights in burnside's... oh yeah
GOSSIP A LOT? too much
LIKE TO GOSSIP? as bad as it is, definately. not with important stuff, but little things. "did you see the freshman in the purple outfit?!? my god!" haha
TALK BEHIND PEOPLES BACKS? if the conversation comes to it
ENJOY SCARY MOVIES? always
ENJOY CHICK FLICKS? if i'm in the mood
PLAY HARD-TO-GET? possibly. wouldn't work anway. haha
MAKE EXCUSES TO GET OFF THE PHONE WITH SOMEONE? depends on the person
ENJOY THIS SURVEY? it's entertaining enough

$$$$$$$$$$ORs$$$$$$$$$$$

GLOBE OR MAP? map. tis portable
SWEET OR SOUR? both. brings lots of asiany goodness.
HUG OR KISS? oh kiss. well, assuming the person doesn't kiss like a moron.
BOY OR GIRL? both. at once. i mean...yeah
PUNCH OR KICK? well, i don't support violence, but punch
LONG HAIR OR SHORT HAIR ON GIRLS? whatever looks best
LONG HAIR OR SHORT HAIR ON BOYS? same
PHONE OR INTERNET? phone
SKI OR SNOWBOARD? neither. it's the beach all the way
TOMGIRL OR TOMBOY? tomgirl
SNOW OR RAIN? here comes the rain again....
SONG OR PARODY? song. definately
SLOW SONG OR ROCK? rock rock rockapottomas
ANGER OR FRUSTRATION? neithr if possible
MOVIES OR TV? movies!!


*&*&*&*&*&SOMEONE...*&*&*&*&*&*

SWEET OR FUNNY? a combination
INTELLIGENT OR GOOD-LOOKING? depends how many nights of a fling your looking for.
TALKATIVE OR QUIET? i think it's a good quality to be ok with silence
SPORT-FANATIC OR BOOK WORM? que? um, well, for me i'd have to say book worm.
ROMANTIC OR NOT? oh so romantic
ENTERTAING OR BORING? why would i say boring??
CALM OR ACTIVE? calm. cool with just chillin
TRUSWORTHY OR LOYAL? trustworthy. definately.
FUN TO TALK TO OR FUN TO LISTEN TO? fun to talk to
STUBBORN OR NOT? stubborn. i don't ike passive people.
HARD TO GET OR EASY? ooh lala... um, hard to get vcan be fun enough i guess.
MATURE OR KIDDISH? mature
SENSITIVE OR TOUGH? tough in bed yo..haha
CAREFUL OR CARELESS? pretty careless.
TALENTED OR CREATIVE? talented. at guitar. i mean uh...
CUTE OR DROP-DEAD-GORGEOUS? drop dead anyone? yes.
ANNOYING OR EASY TO ANNOY? neither if possible
SHORT OR TALL? talllll. yum. haha
BLOND OR BRUNETTE? no pref.
OLD OR NEW? huh? i like people my own age thank you very much.
UNIQUE OR PLAIN? unique indeed
EXACTLY LIKE YOU OR TOTALY DIFFERENT? different
STYLISH OR NOT? it's alll about style. shallow? yes. fun? yes.
FUNNY OR HILARIOUS? hilarious
PREDICTABLE OR NOT? never
LOVABLE OR LIKABLE? likeable for now. as in hgh school now.

/"/"/"/"/"/HAVE YOU EVER..."/"/"/"/"/"

LOVED SOMEONE? somtimes i think so, but i have a feeling maby not.
BEEN ABLE TO TELL WHEN SOMEONE LIKES YOU? when i don't want to know, yeah
BEEN A AFRAID OF GETTING IN A RELASHIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE? every day
BEEN IN A RELASHIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE? relationship? of sorts, yes.
BEEN DUMPED? never exactly had "a boyfriend" but yeah, there were some dump-ish situations.
DUMPED SOMEONE? sorrta
HAD A BROKEN HEART? i think so. sadly
BROKEN SOMEONE'S HEART? i would like to say that i hope not
BEEN REALLY EMBARASSED? once
BEEN KISSED? affirmative
KISSED SOMEONE? yeah. much to my detrimement. haha.
BEEN HUGGED FOR A LONG TIME? si
HUGGED SOMEONE FOR A LONG TIME? si again
HUNG UP ON SOMEONE? no. bryan. jeez. haha
BEEN HUNG UP ON? BRYAN what? haha
CARED ABOUT SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T CARE ABOUT YOU? of course
HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN? once when i was little, but i cried and came to put it back. dern concience..haha
KEPT A REALLY DARK SECRET TO YOURSELF? unfortunately
TOLD SOMEONE'S DARK SECRET? never
STOLEN SOMEONE'S BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND? no
READ SOMEONE'S DIARY WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION? well, techinically if it's online, they've given everyone permission....
FELT LIKE SPONTANIOUSLY KISSING SOMEONE? yes. and i have.

***********ARE YOU...**************

FUNNY? when exasperated
SMART? i believe so. not fact smart, but life smart.
INTELLIGENT? on some topics.
BRILLIANT? not really
FUN? actually no.. i'm kinda just a sit and chill person unfortunately
ADORABLE? haha, hell no
IN A RELASHIONSHIP? no. didn't we already askt his question?
MAD AT SOMEONE? no
INTO THE OPPOSITE SEX? of course
FUN TO BE WITH? again again! um, no. haha
EXCITING? in bed. heh.
BORING? often
PREDICTABLE? i feel like it. but then again, i know what i'm going to do at any given moment.., ah so confused.
SOCIAL? when i feel like it
TALENTED? in ways i want to be
SWEET? if i try hard enough
TRUSTWORTHY? si. you probably don't know that. but i am.
STUBBORN? it's my main goal in life to be.
QUIET? mos. def.
ENTERTAINING? if i want to be
SPORTY? hell naw.
SENSITIVE? most of the time
TOUGH? when i'm being emo
BORED RIGHT NOW? do yout hink i'd be taking this if i wasn't?!
MISSING SOMEONE RIGHT NOW? a bit. always a bit.


$$$$$$$$$$$WHO OF ALL YOUR FRIENDS...????????????????

IS THE FUNNIEST? billy
IS THE MOST ANNOYING? partick.
IS THE MOST CREATIVE? not sure. i think it'd be a huge tie.
IS THE SPORT FANATIC? umm.. none?
IS THE ENTERTAINER? carlie
THE SHY ONE? me.. sometimes laura in public. most of the time me though. maby mandy or bryan
THE BOLD ONE? ferrel when he isn't thinking before he's doing.
THE PRETTY ONE? sexy kasso.
THE HANDSOME ONE? i don't know, jason pretty hot..haha
THE BLABBER-MOUTH? jessica... haha, i love that girl to the max
THE MOST TALENTED? mg and laura are pretty good in bed.. i mean, uh, yeah, so i hear anyway..haha
THE MOST SENSITIVE? mandy
THE ONE YOU LOVE TO BE WITH? me. haha, i'm such a loner.
THE PRICELESS ONE? susan
THE STRONG ONE? jenny really takes care of buisness
THE SHORT ONE? mg
THE TALL ONE? me or ryan. I'm taller than jason!!! (and i have just as big hands as he does...muahaha)
THE ONE YOU CAN REALLY TALK TO? ryan. or mg y laura.
THE ONE THAT CAN MAKE YOU SMILE? carlie susan jessica.. everybody....everybody...
THE ONE THAT CAN SWEEP YOU OFF YOUR FEET? billy. every day.
THE TROUBLE-MAKER? ryan and jessica. the sweat trouble out their pores i swear.
THE SILENT HERO? beth
THE WRITER? hmm, not sure we have any actually
THE SADEST ONE? i'm pretty damn emo sotimes.. i know val gets down alot too.
THE ONE WHO'S ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU? billy. mg.
THE ONE YOUR MAD AT? none none. frusterations may arise, but i can never get mad at my dear italian family
THE ONE YOU LOVE TO HATE? none
THE ONE YOU HATE? none
THE ONE YOU LOVE? all of their moms
THE BEST ONE? everybody....everybody...everybody...everybody

Turntable Jessie 1:17 PM [+]
...

oh today today. what a day it was. i'm going to attempt to write a normal entry without artistic emo crap...haha

why selfridge picked amastad for a friday movie is beyond me. seriously.

english party was beyond interesting. seein patrick act drunk was an utter crack up, and i honestly couldn't have seen a better one than phillip being charluie chaplain ("i'm ... well, i'm a bit of a mime... see, my box?".. oh man). here's where the interesting things started to happen. so me and this guy who i've known for way too long (mr red and white anyone? yeah, you knopw who i'm talkin about) were joking around for most of the period because our characters were very directly involved. however, by the middle of the period, i noticed how much our joking was... this is so gross to say... flirting... serious. it was about 11.10 when i actually stopped, realized how close we were sitting and how much physical contact there was, felt nausiated, and exused myself to the rstroom. completely bizarre.

and damn did beth look good in that dress. ;)

tech was a simple reinforcement of why some people really should be mute for the rest of their livesand just.. be looked at. haha

and then, thank the lord school was out. on my way to my escape vehicle though, the guy from english stopped to talk to me. it was really weird. he gave me this little playful punch thing and was all about asking what i was dong over the weekend and how he hoped i would have fun. little did i know that he wasn't the only random horny erson walking campbell today...

starbucks. a rlief. i think it's really cool that the guy there knows me by my REAL name..haha. but what's super cool is that he remembers the drink i like ("ohh, you're the picky one aren't you?" hehe) it was quite the prelude to how the rest fo the day chillin with the homies would be: loud, tempremental, and full of sexual energy.. what a combo.

went home, feel asleep for mecinal reasons. refreshed, i continued to kassos house for a brief swim in the beautiful sunlight. how poetic.

dinner at pasta pomodoros. ryan was actually having luck in picking up our waitress, but almost failed when he faild to see her standing behind him and exlaimed "i really need to jack off more often!" goood times. it was super cool to have beth and bryan there. bryan just because it's helpful to know that he still exists and beth because i love her. yes, 4 eva.

delightful exursion to the outhouse, where i saw a delightful little msuical trio that really put my ill feelings behind me. a few random stops and a return to the outhouse brought more fun. i enjoyed the company of my passengers very much. i really do hope that they had a good time at the show. it was kind of hard to tell what really went on, cause i didn't get a chance to actually talk with anyone, but ui hope so...

chill otu in the parking lot... oh my italia family is insane. period.

i knew i had to go pay my respects at the pool hall, so while everyone else was eating at the garret, i went in. i had intended it to be s uper short hi and bye. that's why i didn't want peopel in there. i was liek causing too mcuh trouble for somthing tht should have only lasted 10 minuites. however, there was trouble already there... he hat5es me it hink. ok, maybe not ahtes, but certainly not likes. so why do i bother? i mean, i don't want a relationshoip right now. that's all there is to it. ont he other hand, i want to do exciting things. i want to make out in the back seats of cars and go to random places in the middle of the night. i still feel like a whore about it though. someone told me tonight about mey predicament "look, just make your decision and go with it. you won't look back. you never do when yous hould anyway, so just frickin do it already."

speant some time at the park with the drama freaks... more intersting time. made me realize how much i need to catch up with some people.

and not just those people either. also made me think abotu how i feel this need to talk to my friends about how their evenings were... i want to just a have a mad group spilling orgy...ok, not a orgy, but mayeb a two or three some. yes, twould be adequate...

and the quote of the day?

You only live once..

if i only had a dollar for every time i heard that today... heh

Turntable Jessie 1:59 AM [+]
...

ah, i forgot to tell you, so i don't forget later.

by far, one of the most gut wrenching scenes that i have ever read comes from hotel honolulu. i've read it thrice, and it still leaes me shaking.

a synopsis:
he runs away from his family to go to hawaii and start anew. he meets this hawiian girl who has a long history of harsh sexual abuse. he knows this, and wants to take care of her, so he marries her.

an old high school friend of hers comes to visit. he's witty, charming, and more imortantly, hawaiian like she is. jealousy erupts in his heart...

that night, he climbs on top of her. she says she's too tired.

and in the only harsh voice he uses in the entire book, he orders

"tell me you love me"




oh man, i guess you just have to read it... if you only knew.....

Turntable Jessie 9:42 PM [+]
...

alright. settling back down into my regular not so emo self. some quotes i have heard throughout the last 24 hours:

"so, how old are you now killer?"
"17 sir"
"17? well...alright i guess that fits you alright. next time you should try for 18. i think you'll like it a lot more."

"Jessie. NO ONE CARES!"

"yes...yes....yeeeessss..."
"that's my girl!"

"i've haven't been able to think of anythign else until i figured it out, and i figured thart you'd be doing the same..."

oops, how'd he get in there....heh...

so now it's fear. pure fear. it's all about the fact that i don't know what to do. and people are happy. and i want to be happy for them. so infinately happy. and i'm not bull shitting this. i want to just go up and hug every single person that's getting themselves away from here in one way or another and wish them god speed.

and ask if for heaven's sake would they take me with them. heh. ah, ok, i'm joking on that one. i don't want to steal glory. it kinda seems like that's all people think about somtimes. who gets the glory for what. i gave up on that. i don't give a damn who thought of what and who wore what and who went where and talked to who.

every single person that you meet knows somthing that you don't. has been somewhere that you haven't. has experienced what you probabaly never will. that's what makes us us. so give up on it and be happy with who you are already.

unless you don't like who you are.
not that i know anyone like that.
than change it.
not that i know anyone who knows how to do so.

Turntable Jessie 9:29 PM [+]
...

she just noticed that things are the worst.

"it seems like things are really falling apart for you"

seems like? excuse me, but i hadn't noticed. i thought it was just the overdrawn bank account, my history grade, the fact that i probabaly won't get into college, how i'm going to let everyone down, how people across the entire united states of america are going to hear about how so and sos grandaughter is a miserable, hopeless little whore. i didn't think that was much....

just don't touch me. do you realize how hot it is? do you realize that my head is completelyt spinning? there's a reason i learned to type with my eyes closed you knopw. i mistype things everyonce and a while, but at least i can do somthing when i get sick. something. anything.

i feel like i'm dying. if i take another pill,m i think i'm going to keel over. maybe it's the heat. maybe just the stress. i want to run so bad. i know my car could make it somewhere. anywhere, but 'm not sure if i could. you can type without looking. you can play guitar without looking. you can't fucking drive. this is so scary. i don't know what to do. it's just thios rush of panic and things happening and swirling and everyone around me trying but me not being able to and the dissapointment just isn't helping at all, and i'm trying to keep my cool cause she's on the phone with my dad and he's actually going to be home for a full two weeks for the first time in over a year and it scares me and it's all that she's waited for and i'm going to ruin it. i have ruined it. they have to worry about me. baby me. again. just like they always wanted to do and just like i always ran away from. i just need some time. i don't know what the hell i'm talking about. i just need to get things under control. i'm staring at this picture. it's just sitting here ecause my dad decided to scan it so all of the family across the states can see that i didn't have a date and we all look so sexy and i know that even though some things have changed between some of those people, even just in these last few weeks, but it's still beautiful. and i look at myself and i know that i've come a long way. i keep trying to make myself believe that i have had sucess in things i do. that i have lived up to the expectations. that i've made somthing of myself.

but that's all past tense. last year was incredible for me. at the time, i thought it was pure hell, but i look back and realize that i really did stand strong. that i made it through things. and i did it by myself. i didn't have to ask, i just did it. and now, i'm a total loser. i've lost the will to fight. anything. my talent show gets canceled. i nod. the church erupts once again in petty scandels. i just sit back and wait for the storm to pass. i get sick.

and i let it happen.

ok, alright, i'm cooling down now. i know that i'll read baack on this in five minuites and think that someone completely different wrote it. i won't recognize it. that's how it goes. but i still have that fear. and that damn lack of motivation. what in the fuck and i going to do.

ten minuites pass.

i think i am really trying to catch up. get my breath back. but everytime i try, something else falls. then i go out and make things worse.

7 more.

i'm hoping thatyou can read this and still look at me as a sane human being. i am. i'm just having some shit go on right now that i'm trying to get away from. that i'm trying to get my friends away from. i don't want people to have to ever be like me. spoiled and spinning down and out of control. but i do want you to promise me that you'll try. for god's sakes try. and maybe just hang out for a while. wait for me to get through with this. because if i do, i'm gonna fucking need somebody. doesn't everyone?

shit. what in the blazes am i talking about. i can't even say thing coherently.

alright, i'm done. thanks. i just needed to spill.

Turntable Jessie 6:40 PM [+]
...

i had such a gorgeous, glamourous day. excepting the bad hair, excepting the skin cancer. so gorgeous. and now i'm sitting here whle my mom yells at my dad in their bedroom for being mean to me when she was just as imposing as he was, sitting here in tears. i don't know what went wrong.

i was told today that i should "watch out for inappropriate touching." but for heavens sakes, what's a little ass slap when you're all family anyways?

geez, i can hardly focus on the good things of today anymore.

went to the beach. wanted to fall asleep, but wasn't able. had a lovely dinner and chill sessionw ith comerades. saw kevin. that was pretty cool. i knew he had a crush on her all along. haha... and now i'm just sitting here. still feeling melted and pulled inside.

i think last night was the first night of summer. it was warm, beautiful. i drove the jeep. it was a night of pain and new beginnings. and i could tell that it wasn't the last. same with tonight. i'm feeling the pain, fo sho. where's the new beginning though? well, ok, that's a lie. i know. i've rekindled a firey friendship. it'll last a few months. alot fo times i think that when things go wrong for me, i just pull further away from people. i chug a bottle of water and shut up. here are so many things that i feel like i could never say.

whew, ok, me getting carried away again. my heart reaches out to those tonight who's turn it is. to hold the heart break. to see through a false dream. who are stuck when they want to run. who are finally looking their future in the eye.

because i kinda see myself in everyone of you.

Turntable Jessie 10:49 PM [+]
...

it really is the little things, you know. like a hug. like someone leaving a blanket at your house solely for you comfort. like somone telling everyone to shut the fuck up when they know it'll hurt you most to keep talking. these are the good things.

i'm glad that there are waiters in this world who are amazingly liberal despite other thoughts.

i think that i'm lucky to be someone's inspiration to make a move on their obsession. heh, even if it does mean ruthlessly trampling my feelings. bitch. haha.

and how great is it that i just happen to have amazingly sexy friends?...

look, i know that some things are going wrong right now, and i know that i'm basically screwed. but i think it's worth it just to sit back and try your hardest to look at what you have going for you. whenever possible. no matter who else knows that you have to try every now and then.

and a quite off beat quote:
frappachinos are like orgasms. if you have them too much, they loose their beauty. also, if you give them to yourself too much, it means all the less when someone gives it to you.

some times i realize how much i really should think before i speak. heh

Turntable Jessie 12:58 AM [+]
...

cabala42: oh, that's cold. really cold.
Thirteen Master: just like my love life

Turntable Jessie 7:26 PM [+]
...

today california woke up. i swear. it was so gorgeous outside that very few things could have brought me down.

went to breakfast with my parents, had lunch w/ some amigos. got an awesome black duct tape thong, and yeah. haha.

day on the green kicked some major arse.like i said, the weather was beautiful. the music was either incredible or entertaining enough to laugh at it. and the company was very amazing. everyone kept me in good spirits, from jeff trying to act black to tomm's savage sexiness, ti was all quite lovely. it was really cool to see that dan kid again. i swear i met him before. even though matt wasn't there, ti was nice to hear oone of his friends tell me that he really is still alive and well. anyway, he was really sweet. i thoght the same thing abotu nick and his insistance oon saying happy birthday. i really liked seeing that chris is still around and that tim is still obsessing over girls and that eric from church actually had decent friends. just seeing that there are great people like this out in the world made me feel alot better after, oh, say, last night.heh.

to my favorite sailor jupiter: i really do hope you had fun today. serious. i'm probabaly just probing to hard (sexual inuendo not intended), but you seemed a bit down.. maybe just tired, i don't know. but either way, oor neither way for that matter, i really hope you had a good day. no reason in particulolar. i guess i just didn't geet a chance to really catch up with you today, so i hope things are coo wit you. yo? wurd.

dinner was lovely, as well as finding my two missing-in-action friends in the empty parking garage..ah, young love, hehe...it was really cool to catch up with g at the end of the day. i was bursting witth girly gossip, and i desperately needed to spill my happening of last ngiht. i hoope you found them entertaining enough g. haha

alright, iseriously need a ladies ngiht out somtime soon. like, serious. i'm talking major good vibes, look good for no reason but to walk in downtown campbell and get people to look, gossip abotu everything under the sun, talk about the dirtiest things possible evening. serious.

and i still don't know what to do for my birthday party. ay...

"I wanna be happy.... i wanna have fun fun fun fun fun...i wanna live... positive."

Turntable Jessie 2:21 AM [+]
...

alright, done with the shock of tonight. now on to some more noteworthy points of today in general.

the alarm clock woke me up to john mellancamp's jack and diane. right before it hit the "hold on to 16 as long as you can" line. appropriate? i thought so.
turned to 104.9 on the big stereo to catch the first few chords of the acoustic days go by.

needless to say, the day would be good from there.

ap history test was a relief. i did much better than i expected. we laughed, tchernio asked questions, bryan didn't have an answer sheet. it just worked.

got my hair redone. some peopel sya it looks good. some people sya it reminds them of freshman year. i can't wait for the blue streaks.

ok, i just wanted to remember those points. now i really am going to go sleep.

Turntable Jessie 2:07 AM [+]
...

alright, i just needed to say how ironic this is:

my horoscope for the 9th:
You can avoid trouble by refusing to go out on a date with it. As the veteran of a few romances, you have a clear idea of what you seek. Don't go out with someone just for the sake of going out -- hold out for the real deal.

my horoscope for today:
Where have you been? Was that really you or was it just a dream? Check your messages early in the day. The sooner you accept the past, the sooner you can move past it.

ok, so i should have listened to it tonight, maybe i'll just shoot for tomorrow instead. oh man. i think i need to go brush my teeth again. haha

Turntable Jessie 1:46 AM [+]
...

hahaha, an hour and 13 minuites in, and i already wonder about myself. this is a night that sn't gonna get posted on the net, but if you know me, ask me. i'll tell you how dysfunctional it was. Who i'm thinking of. Who I smell like. Who i wish would get the nerve to come hang out with me.

and how they're all completely different people.

figures.

happy 17th to me.

Turntable Jessie 1:21 AM [+]
...

hello blogger, my old friend.

i have two days.

this is how i look at it. see, all i could do before is whine about how i didn't like how i was living my life and i didn't like this or that... and it all left. seriously. yes, it's a "careful what you wish for" clause. i hated everything, and now i have nothing. but ifyou've ever talked to me for more than 20 minuites, you should bbe able to concieve that i am never happy. i don't have anything on me right now. no ongoing projects, no on going worries.

it's like a clean slate.

so what do you say. maybe i do jus kinda take a jump and do it. grow up i mean. i mean, i feel like i'm fucking holding back. for people. for my family. they always tell me "you grew up too fast!" but then they expect me to act like a 10 year old. well, maybe i just stop doing it. maybe i just take a deep breath. wake up on sturday, and get my shit together. fix my car. clean my room. speand the summer actually having a life. figuring out what i beleive as of now instead of relying on everything i had last summer. figure out what in the hell i'm gonna do with myself when school's over. be productive. put on some shows. some for friends. some for the poor little brother band that got screwed at school. one for me maybe. what if i did? just think about that. ok, maybe you don't hav to think abotu it, i guess i'm just talking to myself with that. but honestly.

i have very very few connections to keep intact. i can take on the teatre or drop it. of course i'll do it, because i'm in love with it, but i don't have to. i have to be at church. i want to. i want to take care of the kids who could get so fucked over by those assholes who don't seem to care about them. i want to help the people trying to help them. i want to make sure that if they're growing up int hat church, they realize that they're worth just as much as anyone else. i want them to have the motivation that so many of my friends there lost. i can do the talent show next year or hand it over to leadership. it's a draw.

i have my friends. i love them.
truely
madly
and deeply. heh

boys? no. there are no love intrests right now. one that i was infatuated with turned out to be more in love with himself then he ever could be passionate about anything. and the one that i thought i actually cared about... well. i realized what a dysfunctional friendship we really have. we use each other to no end. it's always been like that. every single talk, every single... ahem... discussion in the prop shop. used. but today he took it a little to far. as much as we've abused one another, we've never talked down to each other. well, alright, i yelled at him the once, and we ended up backstage together, crying our hearts out trying to say sorry. and today he does this. i know this is just a little day's event in the middle of a big discussion, but i gotta vent it.

i'm walking to my car and he comes up, puts him arm around me (yes, while we were in public. i knew there was trouble. heh.) and goes "oh hey. i'm sorry for leadign you on."
i stopped dead in my tracks.
me: what?!
him: well, you know, the other night, when i called, i didn't mean to make you think
me: that you were the biggest jackass i ever met?
him: whoa. no no, i was just calling because i was bored you know
me: and you wanted to look cool in front of issac
him: no! no. i was just calling. i didn't mean for you to get a little crush on me.

a little crush. three fucking years. hours of worrying, calling, driving, crying. and he takes some little rumor and says that i have a "little crush" on him?! i could hardly tell he that i'd see him later, let me tell you.

i need soembody who goes to shows. somebody who cares. who's passionate about somthing. who will have the guts to blow me off he's going to do it instead of finding a wimpy little parking lot conversation to wrap it all up in. dammit.

so this is what i mean. i had myself so wrapped up in my own life that when it dissapeared, i had nothing to hang onto. cept my friends (not the truely madly etc. above. hehe)

i always said tat i worried abotu next year. that all my rold models would be gone. that i'd be pretty screwed. that i've have to just sit and wait around for a year. well, what if i just did it. like, noit just sit around being bummed about it, but actually just did it, got it over with. (look, i know this soudns weird, but this is the first inspiration i've had in weeks.)

there's that episode of malcom in the middle, one of my favorites. Reese ends up being chased by the cops and he calls francis to ask what he should do. francis tells him that sometimes you just have to buckle up and face what you've got coming to you, but that the trick is to do it with style.

with style...

what do you say? maybe i'll just give it a shot. saturday. ready. go.

Turntable Jessie 8:35 PM [+]
...

you...

tonight... there were points that i honestly had some of the best of times. it reminded me of last summer. hanging out and just dancing like crazy. however, i have now come to realize that last summer was not a reality at all, but a mere fantasy that happened to come true. in other words, it was perfect, but tonight,t here were always events to bring me down to earth again. alone, sadly enough.

i know what's been bothering me. i've known it for a while actually, but now i want to make it clear. things have lost their... gusto? life?... their force. yeah, i think that's it. like, tonight, i let tonight come and go like nothing at all. i actually have to struggle in my mind to make it worth anything at all. like, i might as well have speant the night at the bowling alley or somthing like that. nothing that happens to me anymore is differentiated from anything else. it freaks me out. it happens with other things to. bad things happen, i can't find it in me to cry when everyone else is bawling. i just don't have motivation to do anything. it's all just routine. i don't know what in the hel;l you do to fix that.

and jealousy. i'm usually not a jealous person, but i have to admit that i was jealous over a particular individual and where his attention ended up....it made me feel like he's lying to me. that he was always lying to me. "you just too... independent". that's probabaly bull shit. that's probabaly the opposite of what he really thinks of me. I bet he can see straight though me.
and the worst part is that i can only hope that he can.

this sounds heavy, i know, bt it's because i'm tired. and i'm thinking about sats. and how i will never do as well as i should. it's just not promising. not much is.

you...

Turntable Jessie 2:10 AM [+]
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