... california dreaming ...

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

clouds come, clouds go.



i've done alot of thinking lately. hence a lack of serious posting. it's been about two weeks of serious contemplation and re-contiplation.

i've thought about the past, where i was. where i thought i was going. and where did i end up? where the fuck am i right now? i frankly can't say. and dealing with that fact is one of the hardest things i've ever done...

and even though i don't know what or where it is, i know i need to walk away from it.

i can't deal with the way i am right now. these last two weeks, i've been so...angry. angry at people, angry at myself angry at california, angry at God, angry at missed chances.

and it's those missed chances that i can't afford anymore.

today and uesterday being so overcast was a sign for me. it took me back in time just enough to see what i saw then. the hopes i had and the ambitions i followed. it threw me so deep into myself that i found myself in a random park i the middle of the night, crying my eyes out. i was literally talking outloud. to myself, to God, to the bugs running around in the grass. i complained about the cards i'd been dealt, complained about friendships,

and threatened to end it all.

and for a few minuites, i think i actually meant it.

but of course, i didn't have the nerve.

but now that i'm back here, sitting at this damn computer, i'm realizing a few of my own self truths. i'm realizing that i can't keept his all together, and maybe, just maybe, that's ok for right now. note the right now. i can't keep living different lives in different places. being a whore at church, a joker in drama, and a loser with my friends isn't working out for me. i'm only little bits of all of those things. i need some time to be my own fucking self. yes, fucking self.


i still have a fairly clean slate at the moment. everyone at church thinks i'm gone. my parents are to busy to hassle me (i never thought i'd say this, but really, good riddance to classic quality time). my friends, well, at least i know they're around. i've grown much closer to some people and horrendously far away from others, but they're there. i bought some really hot underwear yesterday. yes, seriously, that helps.

and finally i have the realization that i've lost sight of what i stand for. i've always kept my morals in mind, but i've just been following them because their my morals. for a while, i stopped remembering about why they're my morals. i want to keep remembering that now.

tonight i'm going to ask billy for his lj code. but no, i'm not giving up. i've been collecting...peices let's say for sometime now concerning a new blog. instead of starting a new one, tose peices will go here. i have plans, be assured. but my inventessimle ramblings will find a new place. damn my need for comments. heh.

so this is not goodbye. remember, the end is only the begining. game on.

jessie.

And i will stroll the merry way
And jump the hedges first
And i will drink the clear
Clean water for to quench my thirst
And i shall watch the ferry-boats
And they'll get high
On a bluer ocean
Against tomorrow's sky
And i will never grow so old again
And i will walk and talk
In gardens all wet with rain

Oh sweet thing, sweet thing
My, my, my, my, my sweet thing

Turntable Jessie 2:13 PM [+]
...

maggie: aww carlie, you're sucking the fun out of it.
carlie: yes, i am. die fun! die die die!
jason: (creates dramatic interpretation of dying)
carlie: JASON! you're NOT fun!

Turntable Jessie 12:24 AM [+]
...

i really have no life

[Name] Turntable Jessie
[Birthday] May 10th, 1986
[Zodiac sign] El Taurus… yeah yeah, stubborn as a bull. I know.
[Sex] often… I mean, female. Yes.

LAST PERSON WHO...

[Slept in your bed] haha, adam at camp
[Saw you cry] bobby
[Made you cry] myself
[Spent the night at your house] hmm, last day of school. Ryan jason carlie y beth I believe
[You shared a drink with] laura and maggie. Coke at carlie’s
[You went to the movies with] aw, it’s been hella days since I’ve done a movie…
[You went to the mall with] me. Only the lonely yo. haha
[Yelled at you] matt
[Sent you an email] ryan from afar
[Said they were going to kill you] nicole. Haha, waaay too many sexual inuendos at camp I guess

HAVE YOU EVER...

[Said "I love you" and meant it?] I’d like to believe so. Whether in a sibling/friendship way or otherwise.
[Gotten into a fight with your doggy/walrus/bird/fish/etc.] ah, never!
[Been to Florida?] YES! Going in a week actually…mm, warm humid air and retired people. Gorgeous.
[California?] there was this one time…at church camp…haha
[Hawaii?] hmm, I went with maggie, but all we really saw was the inside of a hotel room. Wink wink…heh
[Mexico?] No. (that means no in spanish)
[China?] no, no desire for them to die my hair black…
[Canada?] possibly at the end of the month
[Danced nekkid?] at home. Alone. Sorta rhyming.
[Dreamed something really crazy and then it happens the next day?] AH! I dreamt once that my grandpa’s microwave broke and it did!!
[Stalked someone?] haha, I only supported the crime… ooh, unless you count the downtown campbell pimp…hmm
[Had a mud bath?] nope
[Wished you were a guy/girl?] for like two seconds until I realized how stupid it was
[Had an imaginary friend?] haha, sometimes I question if any of my friends exist. Like bryan for instance…

EITHER OR...

[Apples or bananas?] bananas. The big ones at maggies house.
[Red or blue?] ooh, toughy…red? Ok, maybe blue? Hmmm let’s just say I’m bi on this question…haha
[Backstreet Boys or N Sync?] I LUV BSB 4 EVA!! Haha, first come first serve
[WalMart or Target?] oh, sooo target
[Santa or Rudolph?] santa… giving out the goods, httin on the ladies…
[Math or English?] oh lord english. I can’t add, but I’ll write you a novel about how I can’t do math,
[High school or college?] the good days out of both.

[What are you going to do after you finish this survey?] forcing my friends to go hang out.
[What was the last food you ate?] watermelon
[Are you bored?] why do you think I’m doing this? Bitch. Heh.
[How many buddies are on?] 11
[Last movie you saw?] almost famous
[Last noise you heard?] the clicking of the keys beneath my fingers..how poetic.

ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS - WHO...

[Laughs the weirdest?] probably jason. His laugh is supressed, just like his homosexuality.
[Will grow up and be a model?] ryan. In the porn catalogs. Trust me.
[Going to have the most kids?] bryan. Def.
[Have you known the longest?] hmm, g dawg. Maybe mandy.
[Is the loudest?] laura squeals and ryan’s statements (this “I need to jack off more!)
[Is the quietest?] hmm, mandy. Maybe susan. That’s one mysterious chica…
[Do you have the most classes with?] kim
[Is the weirdest?] jasoon now that his wild side has been unleashed…
[Is the funniest?] everybody…everybody
[Is the moodiest?] haha, hella me. I’m horrible.
[Can you tell most of your secrets to?] ryan, g and laura.
[Do you usually go to about all of your problems?] hmm, ryan? Bobby? G y lo lita? Anyone who’ll shut up long enough to listen. Heh.

THE LAST FEW QUESTIONS...

[Last time you went out of the state] last summer.
[Lucky number] 42 is the answer to the universe.
[Things you like in a girl/guy?] confidence and a good disposition. Someone who’ll taking fucking risks. Note the fucking in the ficking risks.
[Weirdest thing about you?] I have plumbing in my brain.
[Do you have a crush on someone?] not hugely at the moment. But it can’t hurt to have a turn on everyonce and a while.
[Do they know?] probabaly. I make things pretty obvious.
[Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?] no, nope, natta.
[What's his/her name?] maggie. I mean laura. Oh, wait, I fogot that I’m fucking ryan…haha
[What do you think of ouija boards?] I believe that weird things happen witht them once a while, but not always
[What book are you reading now?] good faith! Goood book. Screw summer hw.
[What's on your mouse pad?] three stooges. Even though I have an optical mouse…hmm.
[Favourite board game?] TWISTER
[Favourite magazine?] TOKION RULES 4 EVA!
[Favourite sound?] the first few measures of wild night
[Worst feeling in the world?] being alone.
[What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning?] mmm, nice clean sheets…
[Do you like scary or exciting rollercoasters] I get really nervous, but I like scaring myself, so yes
[How many rings before you answer?] never before the the second is over
[Future daughter's name?] rio, shawanda…
[Future son's name?] james, eddy or matt
[Chocolate or vanilla?] chocolate sauce
[Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?] my cats pretty chubby…
[If you could have any job you wanted, what would it be?] stripper. Haha, no. definitely a actres or a stage manager
[What is your favourite snapple?] lemonade
[Are you a lefty, righty or ambidextrous?] right side, but I can work the left if I need to
[Do you type with your fingers on the right keys?] no. I can type fast, just not witsh the right keys.
[What's under your bed?] records, a pillow and a heat vent.
[Favourite sport to watch] baseball!
[Did you have fun doing this] well, I can think of better things to tell you the truth.

[ 10 Bands/Artists you've seen live ] (in no particular order)
1. weezer
2. rolling stones
3. huey lewis and the news… (twice!) haha
4. duran duran
5. fenix tx (RIP)
6. the jealous sound
7. long live the bejamines
8. foo fighters..halfa set anyhow, but It was gorgeous.
9. flogging molly
10. RxBandits

[ 9 Things you're looking forward to ]
1. school
2. camp again
3. florida
4. acting again
5. ryan coming back
6. shopping
7. roadtrips
8. beack trips
9. tonight.

[08 Things You Wear Daily]
1. thongs. And that means snadals biotch.
2. underwear
3. anklet
4. a necklace
5. pants
6. toenail polish. Usually chipped.
7. a bra
8. my sexy smile…. Haha, if your blind…

[7 Things That Piss You Off] (but there are so many more...)
1. letting nights pass you by
2. not telling the truth
3. losing my stereo remote
4. me being spoiled.
5. me not having some sort of control
6. workaholics
7. regrets are worthless

[06 Things You Touch Every Day]
1. when I think about you I touch myself
2. anyone around
3. computer
4. my sheets
5. water
6. a mirror

[05 Things You Do Every Day]
1. sleep
2. talk
3. sing
4. day dream
5. laugh

[04 People You'd Want to Spend More Time or Hang out With]
1. Nicole
2. ryan. My fuck buddy.
3. cosentinos employees? Heh, juust kidding
4. my grandmother in wyoming.

[03 Movies You Could Watch Over and Over]
1. ferris bueller’s day off
2. sandlot
3. the labyrinth

[02 Of Your Favorite Songs At This Moment]
1. oasis- cast no shadow
2. jealous sound- guard it closely

[01 Person You Could Spend the Rest of Your Life With]
1. not even myself

future
[do you want to get married] if it’s nessescary
[if so, what age would you like to be married] no earlier than 28
[who will you marry] someone I can stand
[what do you want to do when you grow up] be famous.
[where will you live] in a city, in a snazzy apartment tall enough to see someone’s roof

favorites
[food] probabaly pasta… ooh, or watermelon
[movie] ferris bueller
[tv show] X-FILES!! Oooh, mulder is soo hot
[beverage] italian sodas… passion fruit flavor. haha
[alcoholic beverage] margaritas… of what I’ve tried. (haha, or if you ask matt, straight rum…ask later)
[subject] english
[teacher] burnside. Smith gets to me somtimes
[radio station] 98.5 kfox.
[book] glue… or hotel honolulu
[holiday] new years!
[sport] swimming maybe
[fast food] yeah, I’d say in and out. The name is just too tempting
[color to wear] brown or red
[number] still 42. hike.
[place to eat] buccas! Or the elephant bar…
[ice cream flavor] ooh, ben and jerry’s half bake. Or grapefruit sorbet
[do you drink] water. Driink it till your pee is clear.
[do you smoke] AH! NEVER!!
[do you consider yourself attractive] hmm, wrong person to ask. That would be a huge no.
[do you consider yourself a nice girl/boy] to whom I want ot be nice to
[do you have a cd burner] aw yeeah mutha.

the last
[thing you ate] ice cubes?
[thing you drank] jamba juice
[song you heard] the surfers- ghost
[show you watched] ay, that was like 2 weeks agao. Can’t remember
[thing you said] yeah, I won’t be here long.
[person you saw] my dad’s co workers in mybackyard
[person who called you] tony
[person you called] maggie
[person you hugged] laura
[last car you rode in] mi madres

Turntable Jessie 5:28 PM [+]
...

i feel so raw.

everything is vitallly real right now. last week brought so much joy and love out of me. pain too, but the kind of pain that you finally face. and out of that you find a peice of yourself.

when i came back last night, i was discouraged at first (as i usually am when i get back fr/ camp) because i thought that no one would listen to what i had to say about it. i am so bursting with stories and discoveries and feelings right now, and i want to tell the whole world. but i kinda have this feeling that no one wants to listen. it seems irrelevent, you know. i feel like i'm showing off or somthing, but i really just want to spread what i've found.

and the love hit. it's amazing how well the girl cd that matt gave me fit last night...rainging men, i will survive. it was these disco classics that ushered in a new stage of friendship. no, i don't consider anyone a hoe. for one, well, you're just not a hoe. and second, if i called anyone a hoe, i would be like, the certified desperate whore. haha, can't afford to do that right now.

i'm going out on the afternoon town.

Turntable Jessie 2:08 PM [+]
...

longtime sunshine...eh?

well, tonight was indeed fun, and the sexiness was overflowing. but there is one topic i must adress.

i'm so glad a have good friends. tonight, i was so fucking insecure. i'm fat, ugly, look like a man, have zits, mad feet and hands, etc. now, when you're standing in a room full of nice, funny, good looking girls attempting to get a makeover, you feel like shit.

escpecially when your self pride was totally shattered just a few nights before...thanks matt. i really owe ya for that one. really.

and i seriously couldn't take it at first. i finally had to go outside for some air because iw as getting so damn frusterated. i couldn't even get any of the hats to fit on my head. i'm just all around dysfunctional....billy saw me out there, and i know that he was really pushing for me to have a good time after that. and as sticky sweet that was, it was a really amazing gesture. you know? i mean, here i was, and i couldnt fit in some of my own clothing, and people are still putting up with me. i would have kicked my ass if i saw me being such a little jerk. honest. but i really am fortunate to have people like that... and i know, somtimes things, big problems and the like, go unsaid, unnoticed. but i hope that with time we can all figure out how to be good friends for each other. me and you included.

Actually, you need 2 OR 3 boyfriends.

Yeah, you’re the wild, adventurous one.

Voted Most Likely To Have A Three-way by your sorority.



And why not? Life’s too short to take it one cock at a time, right?

As long as nobody gets hurt, ain’t nothin’ wrong with it, no how.



This does not, by any means, make you a slut.

In fact, if anyone ever calls you that, it’s only because they’re jealous.



Do You *Need* a Boyfriend?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

so that's that. but according to someone... yes, i'm putting this online.. i'm "only good in the dark". now, i know we were screaming and it was in the heat of the moment but at that second i knew that he was embarrassed of me and everything that i had just fell. i was a halting realization that made me want to die. honest. not all the situps in the world could get me a person who;s ok with being with me.... i'm starting to believe that i reallyw ill end up never marrying, but possibly not by choice.

but now it's time for a pull back. there's a reason they call them retreats, you know. it's cause it's a way for you to run the fuck the other way and get ready for the next round. so no matter how complicated things are next week, i know that i just might be back in the running come next saturday. it's gonna be a long hard pull though. i'm praying for the staff, i'm praying for the kids, and i'm praying for me. there has to be some way to pull this together...



i feel like i have the abilityto do so much, so many (oy), and have so much fun. but there's always somthing there that keeps me a step behind it.

Turntable Jessie 1:51 AM [+]
...

at first i wan't sure if seeing matt and saying what i said was a good idea or not. but when i learned the several cases of love issues that were happening on the home front, i realized what a right decision it was. as terrible as it was.

let's just say i'm done with it for the summer.

trying to move my schedual around for girl talks on the morrow,
jessie

Turntable Jessie 1:17 AM [+]
...

wow. such a jam packed few days. i don't know what to say.

love is found. love is lost. new emotions are felt. new bodily functions experimented with.

and none of it to me.

i'm not bitter. i'd imagine i'm a bit dissapointed. i mean, as fun as having rumors spread abotu you getting action is, it don't even stand close to the real thing. yes, this sounds self centered, but this is honestly the only place i can afford to do that.

but aside from me, i just feel this...passion i guess for my friends right now. i know they're all dealing with alot of crap and i want them to get through it, to speand a happy summer...on the other hand, i'm having dillemmas because in many cases, my friends being happy also equals me not being able to speand time with them, and that without fail makes me bitter every time, if only for a few seconds before i catch it. i really have to stop doing that. i don't know. i guess i wish it could be more of a group effort, you know? maybe.

it's just like 8th grade, you know? it's like you can't be one of the girls unless you have somthing interesting to talk about. if you don't, you're shut out in a way. in 8th grade i force fed myself a hearty crush on dean. that didn't work out so well for me, so it's not happening again. but that means long night of third/fourth wheelin it. and i['m not talking with girl/guy combos.... it's really dumb, and i know i'm speanding too much time on it.. but i just feel like such... i don't know, a social retard i guess. i never have anything to say, i don't know how to be a girl... ok, i've talked abotu this too many times before.. but honest.

i;m dwelling alot. in a way it's bad of course, but it's also pretty theraputic for me. yes, all of this love talk makes me think of matt.. and it doesn't help that he's in town. but it's over. whatever in the bloody hell it was. we're just different people now. it's over. right?

right.

now see, that's exactly what i couldn't get him to say last night...

fucked up again,
jessie

Turntable Jessie 2:24 PM [+]
...

why can't we be friends? why can't we be friends?...

i don't mean to snap. really. things just come out somtimes, you know? i'm just dealing with my shit, just like everyone else. but there's the catch, the beauty of it. we can get through the shit together, you know? that's what friends and lovers are for....doing it together...

Turntable Jessie 1:27 AM [+]
...

alright, so val asked me what i would do if a missle was about to hit sj and i only had 1 hour to live, what would i do?

hmm, see, val has a sexy guy to go in with her on her plan. i unfortunatly do not have that, so i'd have to just cross my fingers i suppose...hm, how would i go about that?.. well, for the benifit of this dream senario, let's pretend that i'm randomly attractive so whoever it is can't turn me down...haha

ok, so i get in my car, blasting good music...probably rolling stones...ooh, or rx bandits...maybe sublime...no, surf music! yes. ok, so i'm blaring surf music. i speed over to downtown campbell and find the first hot girl i see, and ask her to fuck me.

and then of course since i'm randomly attractive (see above, hehe), she won't say no.

We grab whipped cram and hot chocolate sauce and head to campbell park where we have sex in the grass. right there in the park, in front of everyone. and this isn't just your average sex, this is amazing, hot sweaty steamy constantly panting and groping sex. fucking insane. and yes, we finally make use of that damn dildo.

but of course some horny (but very good looking) guy is going to walk by and join us in the mad fun... but we settle down a few minuites before the missle hits, lay in the grass, and listen to some good old acoustic music....

it could be so nice. haha.

Turntable Jessie 12:41 AM [+]
...

i miss it. i miss it so.

i mean, part of today was what i'm talkin about, you know? mad pimpin on guys with mg... twas so low key and laid back, but so awesome.

i miss it being like that alot. aside from that and a little bit of the evening, there was so much stress in everything. work. stupid people at school. the constant feeling of lonliness...i miss frickin talk to laura. and we just talked three days ago. or two. or somthing. but honest. L, i really hope you're haing a good time. and i mean that...

i've just... felt really alone as of late. and i don't mean all this love crap. well ok, yeah, i do, but more than that, you know? I mean, when people start dating, it makes me so happy for them. but it also gives me this evil dr. jeckell side that is frickin mad that things can't be like they used to be. you know? when someone has a relationship with someone, it takes up the majority of their thoughts, and that feeling is one of the greatest highs you'll ever get. so why do i have this want to change it? jealosuy? lonlieness? nostalgia? i don't know.

but i know that i'd rather y'all stick with me right now....

so tell me about all those sexy men you kids are dating out there (or gals, whatev)... at least i'll know what's up with you.

Turntable Jessie 12:16 AM [+]
...

wait, stop, screw everything i just said.

i just came to the halting realization that i have no reason to be fretting over an immature little jerk like that. i didn't yell at him just now, but it hink i should have. yes, it sucks being single for proactical purposes. but honestly, maybe i just need at accept the fact that i'm such a screwed up person that i should be dealing with relationships whatsoever becasue when ever i do, it will fuck up without fail. forget guys. or girls for that matter. i'm on an independent kick for the next few hours. maybe even days.

throw them hands up at me....

Turntable Jessie 12:14 PM [+]
...

wow. spillage i suppose.

i don't have the energy to write about the last few days. if ya wanna know, ask.

but now, the matter at hand...

so matt's coming back for a little less than a week...and going to warped. how weird is that going to be? i know that i've wined and wined the last few days that i feel like he was one of my only chances (and i do), but do i really want to make things more fucked up than they are with us? i mean, seize the day, yes. but do you seize a day that's already been...well...seized?

i know i need to move on from him, but i feel like i don't have anywhere else to go...

i already told tom to not let me see him too often. i don't think i will. it'll only make things worse for me.

i don't know about him, but for me.... it could be very bad. so i plan to just kinda skip it. you know. look for other guys that i have no chance with instead of faking myself out with him.

haha, i just realized how bad it is that i didn't even consider the fact that he has a girlfriend...good one jessie the whore. yeah, i'm real high on the self esteem scale. heh.

Turntable Jessie 11:06 AM [+]
...

god damn you religious/guitar-playing/inhumanely-rad boys. you do it to me everytime...


now if i could just figure out how to be a little bit more appealing than a one night whore...

oh and you wish i was joking. fuck. i try to be a good person, you know? and at times, i think i am. but that doesn't get you anywhere. i'm not the least bit good looking, and i never have any ideas of anything to talk about...

i truely loved seeing all the love flyin around tonight. serious, i'm not fakin yo... but it did remind me that i'm lonely and that i'll probabaly be lonely for quite a while. i don't know. call it being spoiled, but i just realize that i could be as cool as the people i know. it works out for them, you know? in some way or another.

like i said before, a few seconds of confused pleasure is better than none at all.

fuck.

Turntable Jessie 12:32 AM [+]
...