... california dreaming ...

Sunday, August 31, 2003

today isn't good for me... i feel so gross.. i can't type right, i can't see, so i have to wear my stupid glasses, i'm hot and i feel so clostrophobic. i feel really bad for my mom when i'm like this. she came in to give me some laundry that she did and all i wanted was for her to be out of my space. i can't really describe it. it's just like, i get this intense emotion of hate whenever anyone is within 10 ft...not all the time, just when i'm like this..i feel like getting away, driving somewhere, but there's no where to go. i have to go grocery shopping, but that means coming right back....my dad says i have to learn how to change a fuse in my car. i already know how. i was the one who fixed it the last time, remember? but whatever. i just wish it could wait for tomorrow. or at least a few more hours... that's why this whole thing sucks so much. if it was really strong for like, one week every year, that'd be so much better...but nope. i have 24 hours twice a month of hell slight enough to piss me off...i can't even do anything with myself... i can't clean, can't talk...crap...tomorrow better come soon....

Turntable Jessie 5:23 PM [+]
...

i was going to write this fatty thing, but i can't type right now, so i'll make it more of just points:

~ HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARLIE
~ "you smell bad, just like your wife!!"
~ i ADORE having girl talks with susan...she's so frickin great..."well, see, you're just making him work harder!". she's awesome
~ spin the bottle was horrible but hilarious. and if i hear "nibble ear and touch below waist" one more time i'll puke
~ ah, mrs peck..." well billy, i'm glad you're still wearing socks...." haha
~ jason nibbling kasso's ear? who woulda thought...carlie really does do him good...hehe
~ i actually loved the fact that all of our friends are so close that we can just do that kind of stuff without a flinch...it kinda makes me laugh actually
~ ooh, this just in. i'm going to hire a personal assistant to follow me around and remind me when somone is hitting on me...genious..haha
~ to add to that, i was just informed that the best pick up line is "is it worth it? let me work it. put my thing down flip it and reverse it..."...any takers? haha
~yes valerie, we are meant for each other. let's just accept it and screw each other... spin to win! hahaha

***can i just note that in the last 15 minuites, my morale went up about 90%?? reading happy journal entries and hearing a beloved goodnight can mean the world

~ I'm actually kinda excited for the dance on friday. i feel liek partayin...so much in fact that i'm considering skipping the show. i told you already that i'm settling down. (haha, shut up, i'm serious). i don't liek running from place to place if i'm happy at one spot...but it is the j*sound...only time will tell. either way, i already ahve my out fit picked out, and no, i'm not ashamed of that.

~nights like this are the best for me. i get shaky and sick, but i can still hold that good mood. go team.

Turntable Jessie 2:22 AM [+]
...

you can almost feel it.

Turntable Jessie 10:48 PM [+]
...

haha, a sample ryan jessie convo:

me: he's a bane of my existance. I can't believe he's not over it yet!! it was like 6 months ago...he still won't talk to me.
ry: wait, then aren't you a bane of his existance?
me: what?
ry: well if you... (note: this is where i cut him off like usual)
me: well by me being his bane he's inadvertantly becoming mine.
ry: wow.. you don't have very big banes...
me: what?
ry: You're banes must be REALLY small....


oh jeez....haha

Turntable Jessie 10:18 PM [+]
...

alright, deep breath... i'm going to try to clear up and orginize what i just tried to say.

~I feel so happy for my friends when they find the friendship and support they deserve and want. But i still get bitchingly jealous when i get left out of the picture. the emo thing to do here would be to say "alas, i will just have to carry on alone" but fuck that shit. i want a steady friendship dammit.

~call me a girl who can't give the right impression, but i'm keeping my friends as friends. extremely good friends, yes, but nothing more. i'm a shameless flirt when it's the end of the summer and i have nothing to lose. it doesn't mean anything though, because... well, not much of the interaction i et with anyone is serious.

~If i want to be a bitch to you, i'll be a bitch to you. you'll know it. if i'm just being sarcastic, just go with it. it's not worth the energy to snap at me.

~ I really wish my dad wouldn't leave so much. my mom needs him here, and he needs to be somewhere steady. he's wearing out too fast.

~ I keep praying that my mom will be able to handle me leaving. i can't stay here for her.

~ so much weird stuff today. all the journalism people need to start being fucking positive about things (haha, and kaji just needs to shut the hell up...still) and all the drama people need to realize that just because smith agrees with the "class of 03 being possesive" issue, it doesn't mean that you can be possesive yourselves... jeez.

~i like our new spot. so there.

~ i don't feel like lying or hiding names on this. lita and mg, you two are seriosuly the best friends i've ever had, but we never really hang out anymore. you know? like, the three of us. just talking. even once every few months would do it for me... i mean, i know you guys are super close and stuff, and i've always felt really uncomfortable like... like i feel like i'm trying to be all in between you guys, but it's not like that. i think it just comes off that way, but that's totally not how i mean it to be... so instead i just stay out of it all together. and i knwo it's not very good that way. at least for me. haha, shit, does that even make sense? man, i guess now would be a good time to have a livejournal, huh? damn posting... anyhow, i really don't know what i'm saying, but i kinda do.. i just.. i wish i could be better friends with you guys than i am now, cause i've always thought that you're really awesome, and i wish that i could have what you guys have. yeah, i never know where i'm going with these things...

~i also think it's funny how i don't miss last years seniors at all.

~ and I truely am considering the blind gay man theory. seriously.

Turntable Jessie 10:47 PM [+]
...

you get what you give, eh?

iw anted out of everything, and here i am, wishing that i was back in it all. i feel majorly left out agi... feels liek sophmore year. that's not a good thing, btw...i don't know. whiney little bitch? why yes i am. but seriously, everything i said today seemed to go wrong.
i joke about one thing and get totally snapped at by a friend.. i mean, i like to be there for people, but not there as a bitch out, you know?
shunned by another friend, and i think it's because of a VERY WRONG impression that i gave... i'm not some little flirting bastard, you know? i've been fucked up with out even having been in a relationship, i'm not going to go get myself into that kind of trouble with anyone again. especially not with close friends.
i feel liek whenever i try to have a girl talk with people, it gets dismissed. yeah, i still feel like too much of a guy. i try to talk abotu looks and clothes or whatev, and it's out of the question. i just get little "oh yeah" comments... sucks... hell, i guess i even kiss like a guy. yeah, that's great...maybe i shoudl be looking for blind gay men instead...i mean shit.

i feel like i'm ready to take on anything, but there's nothing to take on. so i get concerned over these stupid little things...

i hate my house right now. my dad left again, and you can tell my mom hates it. she's baking for heavens sakes. she hardly ever bakes. she wants to go shopping for me, get things for me, help me with this, clean that for me... i seriously can't take it.

right now, i just have this need to nto be around her. she's trying so hard to make herself happy, but i just can't be what she wants, and it makes me so depressive. i'll never be pretty enough. i'll never marry the guy she wants me to marry. i'll never see god the way she does. i'll never allow her to have the place in my life that she used to have. i've had to come to terms with that myself... that in order to live my life, i can't let her control as much as she wants. that's for the both of us... it's not healthy for her either... you know, she never wanted me to know about how i was sick. like, i obviously knew about it, but she wants me to let her take car of me forever. i can handle pills every day. i need to. i just can't figure out how to make her realize how important it is to me that i know myself for who i am...



holy crap. this is just like 8th grade. parental issues. third wheeling.

third wheeling... crap, i hate this.

Turntable Jessie 10:06 PM [+]
...

i keep catching myself thanking God that this is over, but then i wonder how over anything really is.

it seems like new hope never happened. it honestly feels like it was last summer...getting lost in the woods, breaking bunks, getting walked in on in the shower...gaining more control, and looking at people i once respected, realizing that i had grown up more than them.

that's one of my least favorite feelings, by the way. looking at someone that you used to be on level with, but knowing inside that you have it so much more under control than them. and still you have no way to help them out.

And Quest actually happened too. It wasn't supposed to. the pain that went in to canceling that damn camp... it's unbelievable.. but somhow, it was pulled together. understaffed and out of control...but it happened, and i'd liketo say it helped alot of people out. i believe that's true.

so many things feel so far away...having to drive to see ryan, going to classworking regualr hours...

when you're in school, january 1st doesn't feel like new years. the first day of school does. i feel like i should make resoltions or somthing...i need to take more care of myself. i need to make sure i get into college. it's questionable at the moment, but my parents need that one...

who am i kidding here?

i just wanna have a good time. seriously. that's possibly the only thingt hat has remained the same between ths summer and last. i feel detached form myself so often. i'm watching myself grow up ages before i should have to, knowing things i shouldn't have to carry, whoring myself when i shouldn't.

i just want to have fun while i can...somtimes i wonder if it goes back to when i was little, you know? they gave me one month, then one year, then 5, then 10...it's an amazing confidence to see your "predicted lifespan" grow so quickly like that. even when you 7, it's amazing. but still, it makes you yearn for life. i wish i could describe it to you. it's like, you want to be just vivid. you want to do everything. just in case, you know.

somtimes that's the best idea i can think of.
somtimes i wonder what will happen if i really do do everything...what then?

billy, you inspire me. i'm gonna stop being a hoe...haha, actually i kinda stopped that last summer...but you really did give me a heads up on the fact that i don't want the life i have right now...thanks

so i know there's one person out there saying "well what the hell does that mean you're going to do jrock?"... well, my friend. i don't know. and i think we might wanna keep it that way. here's the gameplan: i'm gonna try like all fuck to get into college. if i don't get where i want, i'm leaving for a few months...maybe 6. i'm going to work for the methodist conference. not shitting. then i'll come back, and give it another shot... peopel keep telling me it sounds like a dumb idea...

but you know, you don't have to go home, you just can't stay here.

game on.

Turntable Jessie 8:09 PM [+]
...

Alright, quick midpoint to my end of summer stress/fun-o-rama:

starts friday (billy's b.day) morning:
-wake up spooning kasso in ryan's bed, staring at jason's underwear intertwined with a thong. yeah.
- attempt to paint the parking lot, but nooo....good raving lessons from tchernio though
- much needed frappachino
- various stops here and thereinvolving birthday presents and two sexy girls
- church at 4. starting to realize how insane the night will be.
-home for a total of 37 mins in which i
a)saw my parents
b) changed all of my night plans
c)wrapped a present
d)packed
e)changed all of my plans again, losing meaning to the packing
- to church. saw lots of middle schoolers (daniel..ay), gossiping girls, and scott. diane's b.day. good dinner, good pie.
-To the beach. while leaving the parking lot, and unexpected guest joinedmy car, enducing
a)fighting
b) cussing
c) admissions
d) more cussing
e) rememberances
f) realization/acceptance
g) and a fucking good laugh....
- beach time. gorgeous weather, gorgeous guitar playing. i'm glad i didn't have to act mad at him, would missed out on a great number of sing alongs...
- drive home. heard "self esteem" THREE times.
- to the movie theater. quick hi to compadres.
- SPINAL TAP. i'm glad everyone was there, including nick. he was great to talk to... good spirits for all actually, which is a good thing, cause billy deserves that.
-home. sleep for 5 hours.
-back to church at 8
- 8 long hours of immature boys, planning, and classic scott jokes (Host a mystery dress up murder how to)
- home to find...my car gone
- fetching the car at the stereo shop...very nice
-orchard vally w/ beth and val (and home and back, forgot my crap)
- picked up laura (don't worry L, it was fine)
- back to the cofee shop...actual work was accomplished!
- fun music times.. .lovely artwork supplied by jenny....oy
- jack in the box (IN the box....) 15 minuite cheesecake/pie..."San Diego? what the hell is that about??"
- houge
- painting....a....wall
-home...for a few hours...

man...haha

anyhow, i know this was alot rougher of a night for some people than others... i'm here for you gus...serious...i think a huge problem that we have is realizing ow much we love each other...i mean seriously. everyone i talked to tonight was asking about everyone else, not really in a nosy way either...more of a "wow, i don't knwo what's going on with this person and i'm scared for them) manner... it really is somthing amazing... i don't know. i hate not having time to talk to people right now. i hate having to drive because you can never go home when you want. you cna never really stay where you want. strangely enough... tomorrow might be good.

no, tomorrow will be fucking good. you're the one that needs to be prepared for it....

Turntable Jessie 2:12 AM [+]
...

Hee! You are Jack's "You have to find
yourself a girl, mate ... you're not a eunuch,
are you?" speech. You're quite a bit sex-
crazed, and you assume that everyone else is as
horny as you are. Get it on as soon as
possible so that you can join the rest of us on
Planet Earth ... I'm sure you'll have a good
time doing so.


Which one of Captain Jack Sparrow's bizarre sayings from Pirates of the Caribbean are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Turntable Jessie 6:26 PM [+]
...

I Don't Wanna Die Anymore
Two months of fun
Two years of pain
Add it up
And get a life of rain
need to scream
But too ashamed
it's gonna rain it's gonna rain
You wanna go you wanna stay you wanna
you really blew my world
I wanna live and there's only one way
I don't wanna die anymore
I want to live it up
I don't want this high anymore
But I can't give it up
I won't live a lie anymore
I need to give you up
Won't you save me
Two Months of sun
A life of rain
Add it up
I'm on my own aain
Need to scream
I'm so filled with rage
It's gonna rain it's gonna rain
You wanna go you wanna stay you wanna
You really screwed my world
I gotta live but you stand in the way
I'm pullin out now "UHH"
I don't wanna die anymore
I want to live it up
I don't want this high anymore
But I can't give it up
I won't live a lie anymore
I need to give you up
And oh oh baby, did you think that I was strong?
Well oh oh baby, can't ya see that you were wrong?
Oh oh honey, did you think that I was strong?
~NR

Turntable Jessie 3:05 PM [+]
...

vacation's definately over.

but, that's what they say. you start at the bottom, work your way up, and then you go back down to the bottom again.
heh, life is life, eh?

ok, check out this hoe i'm talking to:

SexEjesSi69: whos this? ur on my b\l
cabala42: um, really? this is jessie.. i live in ca
cabala42: who's this?
SexEjesSi69: jessica
SexEjesSi69: lol
SexEjesSi69: asl?
cabala42: i'm a 17 year old girl in california...you?
SexEjesSi69: 16 year old girl in texas
SexEjesSi69: ur not lezbo or bi are you?
cabala42: i'm bi
SexEjesSi69: no ur not
cabala42: haha, um, i'm not? i actually am...
SexEjesSi69: y would u like a gurl?
cabala42: i don't know. i think girls are really sexy....it's just a feeling i guess
SexEjesSi69: um ok
SexEjesSi69: well if this is a gurl then y duz ur s\n say ur a bala??
SexEjesSi69: gurlz arnt ballanz
cabala42: cabala is a word for the study of unatural things...
SexEjesSi69: ca.... californea, bala, a balla
SexEjesSi69: im not stupid
cabala42: look it up on dictionary.com or whatever. i'm not lying.
SexEjesSi69: ok sure
SexEjesSi69: so wuts the most ud do w\ a gurl then?
cabala42: right now? umm... i guess oral
SexEjesSi69: that all? u wuldnt finger, eat out, n e thing like that?
cabala42: umm, well oral sex is eating someone out, and i consider that alot farther than fingering someone.

yeah, basically after the cabala thing i just started screwing with her, saying that i have sex with all these people, and she's still trying to figure out what oral is...geez...don't mess w/ texas i guess...

Turntable Jessie 1:53 PM [+]
...

i suppose i should write about my trip? well, it was a good one. even with my parents there, we avoided the mass amount of fighting with relative ease...consider it a partial sucsess.

i'm just really glad to be home now.

i don't know how to start this topic in a clever manner. that's how bad it is. sorta.

so once again i've let myself be stabbed in the back by a stupid church boy.
i wasn't even too much of a hoe this summer, you know? they said that i had gotten some sense.
but honestly, if this was going to happen anyway, couldn't we have been screwing around the whole time? at least there would have been a good side...

do you notice the part where i'm trying to convince myself that it doesn't matter?

matt, i'm ending this. our little soap opera extravaganza doesn't frankly fit with me any more. and i'm sorry to say that i think what you did is really immature. the two of us have always kinda been like that, you know? but it really sucks that you had to take it down like like that. don't call right when you get back but... hell i don't know. what i want to say is that....look, i still remember what it's like to want you, but i think you're a moron for fucking me up like that. so call me if you decide to get over this whole thing and grow up a little bit. i have.
until next summer right...right...haha, sorry babe, but i can't help but type out this one...

lyrics which should be taken be SEVERAL people i know...

In the car
we were looking for ourselves,
but we found each other.
In the car
we were groping for reasons
not to be alone anymore.
In the car
we were waiting for our lives
to start their ending.
In the car
we were never making love.
we were never making love.

we were never making love.

Turntable Jessie 10:13 AM [+]
...

today my chances for world domination improved as i learned how to drive a speed boat. "Dar" says i'm a natural. Savvy.

last night, i was lectured through an e.mail. i've chosen to respond to it here as i found it massly entertaining. here were it's major complaints.
i'm "too nosy": thanks much, but i'm satisfied with it.

i "worry too much about society": it's not society that kills me, it's the people around me.

i should stay out of other people's love lives: possibly true. however, my vent last night came from me reading about three cases of people being questioned about their past loves/flings/whatever. i just didn't feel like hearing about it. haha, on the other hand, comments about "watermellon matt" never cease to amuse me. if you haven't hear the story, remind me to tell you.

i should try finding a NICE BOY: well we tried that, didn't we babe? and just look what happened. (ooh, i know, it's cold. hehe). i and i know you don't agree with my crushes/experimentations, but trust me, i'm over whatever i had last night. lets call her a disease. but yes, i'll fuck up in the future, and no, i don't mind that. in fact it makes me a little more relaxed.

aha, sorry to rip through that. no harsh feeling here, all very sarcastic if you couldn't guess that from it being me...anyway, more tonight love.

Turntable Jessie 4:04 PM [+]
...

and the travels around the world ensue. one time tony looked me in the eye and said "i know what it is. jessie, do you want to know what pisses me off about you?" well, i hardly listen to tony anyway so i give him a classic vaguegly interested -what? and he says -because you never stay in one place.
i guess it's true, whether tony hates it or not.

last night was the ineveitable party at elizabeth's. every year, those things get weirder and weirder. or should i say, more and mor alcoholic....
"LOOK AT ME! I DON'T SAG!!! My breasts are firm! Jessie don't listen to this...well, wait, maybe you should..."
yeah. that's that. haha.
than home for some good old fashion home movies. they ere actually very cool. my grandma's family was decently well off and owned one of the first home video cameras..some very cool stuff. however, i'd like to complain about my dad's movie watching skills. i just kept thinking, damn, shut up and let her talk about it. what she rememebrs about those people is what's important, not where the house was, when it was knocked down, what year the car was...oh well...

oh, and as we get later into the films, we get this pleasent scene from my aunt's birthday in 1986. we're watching her open presents and she pulls out this hideous zebra print shirt...god it was ugly. but it's the 80's so everyones like -oh wow, that's nice leigh anne! and my grandma proclaims loudly "well you know, that's what they're ALL wearing these days.." haha

but now to the unavoidable vent.

Flordia is famous for making people horny. ecspecially up here. i know exactly what it is. it's the humidity. it's so warm and perfect in the dark.. it makes your skin just a little bit sticky, so it's like, you're already a step ahead in the lovin ordeal. you don't have to get hot and bothered, you already are. but alas, there is no one here. frankly, no one at home either. florida is amazing for my self confidence as well as horrible. on one hand, i feel hotter in florida. my hair looks sexier and it's just... i don't know, a vibe. on the flip side, i have my aunt and grandma scolding me for not wearing shorts, not being thin, not having big boobs (or at least wear a push up bra)...acording to them, these are the reasons i don't have a boyfriend. and well, they're probabaly right...but whateever. if you're out of luck you're out of luck, you know?

but to the bottom of the vent. there's this girl, and she drives me crazy. they always say that people just tend to like whoever's around, and how bad that is. but for lord's sake if you don't like the people that are around, who are you going to like? you know.

anyways.

she's not my type. heh, or rather, i'm not hers if you catch my drift. so it's a proclaimed lost cause. i decided that before i elft. but seriously, i think about her somtimes. i was on the beach last night (alone. haha, i know, cry me a river..), and i couldn't help it. now, i'm not syaing i'm masturbating while calling out her name, cause i'm not, but she crosses my mind a bit to often. i think that's a bad thing. i know it's a bad thing. whatever. i just want to have a good old fashioned messed up high school relationship before..well, before i'm out of high school basically. haha, but appently that's not an option until i lose 40 pounds and buy that push up bra...shite...heh.

oh, and while on the topic, livejournals being a hoe, so i can't respond to some things. but basically
-BE PROUD OF YOURSELF!!! don't be ashamed when you happen to be AMAZING at an ::ahem:: unnamed sport and your reaping the benifits of it! i've been bragging about you to all sorts of people. it's a huge thing, and i'm so proud of you...

-lovin is lovin. whether you're making eyes, making out, frenching, or "devirginizing" in the back of a car, if you're happy with it, than you're good to go. don't listen to anyone else. and if you have the nerve to bug soemone about it, then you can just go buy yourself a desperate hoe, cause it's all your gonna get acting like that...haha, i don't really mean that, but it seriously bugs me when people do that. end.

Turntable Jessie 4:34 PM [+]
...

i just flew in from wyoming, and man, are my arms tired.



tired enought htat i don't want to leave again. i'm getting to old for this...

heh, like hell i am.

actually, i kinda just don't wanna leave my friends. i like them a bit too much, and am going to miss hanging out greatly. that's the thing about flordia. you hate to be there alone. there's so many beaches and so many gorgeous nights that it sucks not having your friends there, wherever you're coming from...not to mention...well, yeah, you know those stupis imature crushes you get on people? yeah, of course you do.... i'm trying not to let it happen, cause i have a feeling i'll only end up jealous. heck, i'm already jealous... screw online journals... screw girls, screw guys... whatever. fine. i'm leaving.

hell. haha.

Turntable Jessie 10:00 AM [+]
...

billy better be saving that lj code for me. if not, oh well, i'll pawn it off someone....

from the sounds of it, things are the way they should be. things are supposed to change when i leave, not stay exactly the same until the night i get back...so things are back to normal, thank heavens. i congradulate maggie on her landmark driving!! i really wish i was there g, really really. sounds like it was awesome.

like i said, things change, and my dreams change without me knowing about the change of things (heh, can you tell i'm high on meds right now?)

i had this dream last night, and it's frickin hilarious. so me and laura are in a hotel room (i truthfully don't know why) and we start making out. like, for the fun of it.

here is where i must note the difference between a sex dream and a non sex dream. sex dreams involve human interaction that gets your heartbeat up and even turns you on. other dreams may have making out, sex, s&m (juuust kidding) or whatever, but they don't turn you on, it's just an aspect of the dream. this dream was a non sex dream.

now that we have that cleared up, lets resume.
so me an laura are making out on the bed, just kissing and whatnot. maggie walks in, and she's like, oh i want some of this action, so she joins in. it gets a little hotter and heavier, the action speeds up, a few peices of non-vital clothing are removed, whatever. now the good part. Ryan walks in with this girl. he's telling her "we'll just stay for a sec, i want you to meet my friends, they're awesome..." then he see's us. He just starts laughing, and the girl looks at him like "who the hell are these freaks..." and he just turns her right back around and walks her out of the room going "well they're a bit wrapped up at the moment...let's o see if we can find billy (at which point billy appears and joins them)...
then the best part. Jason walks in. he doesn't notice us at first, cause he had all these suitcases and boxes with him, but he puts them down, sees us, and his eyes get REALLY big...then his mouth drops open and he exclaims "OH SHIT."
haha, now, i know it was just a dream, but even thinking about jason emitting these words makes me laugh.. back in the dream we're all like "jason! get out of here, this is private!"(which it obviously isn't, cause the door's unlocked) and he leaves, shaking his head in idsbelief...end of dream.

yeah, things change. hehe.

alright, i'm going to admit somthing, just between you and me, internet. heh.

i'm homesick as hell. all i want to do is go home, go to work, hit up class and chill with my friends. this leaving thing just isn't cutting it for me... i know it's just one day till i'm home but than i leave again...ugh. i don't get like this very often. oh well. all i can do is hope and pray that when i get home i can enjoy my three nights. somtimes, when you're gone, you have to speand a night readjusting. you know? like, speanding a night catching up, just sitting quietly while the new inside jokes come up. drive by yourself a little bit. it's paying your dues is what it really is... but couldn't i just take it on credit this once? hope so....

Turntable Jessie 8:42 PM [+]
...

i'll copy this over as well.

I'd like to call it the airport miracle.

it's one thing to say that you're changing. and it's a step farther to look yourself in the mirror and say it again. But when you actually notice a change in yourself without initiating the change, you know there's no turning back.

i almost died on the way to SFO. my dad had a conference call to make, and in my stupidity, i had left my mom's car without gas. so we had to take the jeep, which meant that my dad wouldn't be able to hear half of the conference call with the wind flapping around the jeep and such. enter a series of swear words and door slamming from my father. he was so deep in anger that he wouldn't let me drive. he took a "i'm obviously the smart and able on here" attitude and wouldn't let me do it. so we almost died on the highway while he chatted it up to somone with a conversation that clearly wasn't worth our lives.
got to the airport. it was a zoo of course. but everyone was so irratble. i mean, i actually saw a lady physically push someone who worked at the counter! what brings a human being to do that i don't know. none of my buisness i suppose. heh.

so there was mass confusion as to what line i was supposed to be standing in. an hour away from my flight, i had already accepted the fact that i missed my plane. and i had no problem with it. that was the change. and it continued that way. even through two line switches, my dad griping very loudly at me, i just felt secure. it was like, i was looking at things in a new way. i was dissapointed that this huge mass of people couldn't hold it together, but i just had this feeling of...security, that if i kept my cool and did what i needed to do in the best attitude possible, it would be fine.

and it was. i did miss my plane, but i kept my disposition up enought that it didn't matter. the guy who rearranged my flight actually thanked me and commented that he wised more people had attitudes like mine. i kid you not. and if that's not a sign, i don't know what it.

so then i had about a two hour wait till my flight. my dad and i wandered into the international terminal (he couldn't get past the gates in the regular one so we could find somewhere to eat). anyhow, i felt so...accomplished. my dad had been right there the whole time, but i did it myself. killed it with kindness. i didn't even try to help him deal with his stress (i mean, it wasn't even his flight). i just let him deal with it and took myself into my own hands. this security prompted me to saying things to my dad that i don't think i've ever been able to say in such fullness.

i looked him in the eye (we were talking about college. what else does my family talk about) and said "i'm not so sure i want to leave the church conference."
and when he said "well, of course, moving to a college somewhere else is a challange, but i know you'll overcome it", i was able to truthfully tell him "no, actually that's not what i mean. i mean i'm considering not going to college."

i think at that point he almost fell out of his chair (oh, you know i'm smiling just thinking about it). but i could see a change in his face as he figured that i didn't mean it and moved on in the conversation ("texas has good schools....") as if i hadn't said it. he didn't undersatnd, and i doubt he ever will. but i think i'm losing touch with what i thought before and moving on to the fact that i want to do what i want to do. and i plan to do it. i'll try everything in my power to make my parents confortable with that, but that problem is theirs, not mine.

i know this sounds odd, but i don't think i've ever been this strong. when a girl liek me goes through things like i have, you gain nothing but strength. and thank God.



i have a sinus infection. middle of summer and i'm sneezing like no tomorrow. oh well, but it gives me whole lot of boring time to do for things: drink, pee, think, and sleep. that's what i've been up to.

i worry for home, and part of me wants to be there. here comes that bluntness. watch out.

maggie, val already said it, but i'm really proud of you too. I'm not sure if you realize it, but you do have a group of friends that savagely loves you. and even though some are slow, they all care when they find out how things are. i can't speak for anyone else on this, but i know that i've been keeping an eye on you for a bit. i can tell when things aren't good with you, call it a psycic connection. but i can also tell that you're a really awesome kind of person that can take it on the chin when she knows she has to. hang in there, and don't let the little things get to you. i miss you alot while i'm here....somthing else i wanted to say...just something small what was it.....oh yeah FUCKING CONGRADULATIONS ON THE CARRRR!!! note the rrrrs. yeah, those backseat confessions. i'm down for that. ;)

laura i won't lie to you. i'm freaked out about our friendship right now. for strange ways, but i'll try to explain. i know that when times are hard, you have to keep trak of ytourself, and i know that you've been having pleanty of those hard times. i understand that. like g said, i can't lie and say i don't miss you somtimes. when you're with us, you always seem a bit down. or a lot don. i'm not blaming you for this, telling you to stop, whatev. i'd be the wrong person to say that. but i do want to say that it tears me up to see you like that. really. to tell the honest truth, when we go out at night or whatever, i seriously stop and think, damn, i hope laura has a good time tonight. because you need that, we all need that. when you're down, we all go down. a testiment to good friendship.... so i have dreams and remember them? right? and i don't have too many bizzarre one, more real life stuff. and i'm really superstitious about them. i believe in them, and i believe that i hear things through them. these last few days of me speanding time in bed, i keep having these dreams of my friends. and in everyone you're in, we fight. i always say somthing stupid and you get mad at me and leave. in every one. i know that we're not fighting or anything like that, but those dreams make me realize how far apart we've gotten. i hate it like that. i can't really stop thinking about it when i wake up, they just stick with me. it's like i want to be there for you so bad, but i cna't be.a nd i'm not talking about being in wyoming or whatever, i'm tlaking about even at home. i try to be there, other people try to be there. but it still rips me apart that you have to feel so alone... i know, i know, life like this. that's the way it is. thanks avril. but if there's anyway that you can think of that would help, i really want you to tell someone. i want to see you sink deeper. i don't know what else to say.

and everyone else i just fucking miss. flat out. it's really cold right now (i think it's just my fever) and i think my fingers are about to break off, so i'm going to stop. but i want you to know that...i miss you...i miss you so....

Turntable Jessie 8:06 PM [+]
...

and back on my word i go.

i really wouldn't be posting here, but the lj code didn't work, and even if it did, i should be packing, not making journals.


i hold onto people so dearly. it amazes me everytime that no matter how in the shits people are, there are still people around to lift them up.

now i don't mean, to get all religious on you, but through those people, i see God. I go to church to learn about God, but rarely do i see him there. it's out in every day life. where things that should never have gone wrong go right, where people come together.
that's where it is for me.

and tonight, as jumbled as i still am, i feel such security in seeing these amazing people with me. it's people like you guys that keep me going, you know? that give me a passion to go and make things better instead of sitting around. and my only hope is that i can be like you guys are. and i mean that.

here's what i plan to later put in my livejournal:

i smell like rain and the beach. it reminds me of a hurricane, and i like it.

today mag, kasso and i went to davis for ryan's presentation. he didn't knwo we were going to be there, and to tell you the truth, neither did i. it was completely last minuite. because of this, not very many people got to come or even knew about it, which made me feel kinda bad. but it was just the kinda thing and the kinda timing that doesn't reach a whole lot of people. so if it upsets you, i'm sorry, don't take it personally.

but i'm really glad we went. from hitting pedestrians at de-asia to overly chocolate paistries to running savagely through the uc davis halls, it was a blast. and the look on ryan's face when he saw us was priceless. i had been really worried that we would mess him up or somthing, but he saw us right before he started, which turned out to be great timing. anyway, it was good to see him, even if he did scare the shit out of me by looking 30 years old when he walked up...

alright ry, you're hair doesn't look that bad...haha

so we hit the road to go home. we took a... detour? oh yeah. straight (yes, straight) through san francisco. i really was freaking out. now of course i can't figure out why. i should have just taken a breath and realized that i had a gorgeous and completely competent (at directions of course) co-piolet and another gorgeous co-co-piolet/daydreamer/creatie-eater in the backseat.

well, ok, i did realize that after a while. which is when i decided to just go with the flow, making it extremely hard for me to actually go to class when we got back AT FIVE O CLOCK.

five maggie. you owe me.

leading to a lovely outing with friends. it was fun having everyone in one car. good times indeed. good way to speand a last night before travel.

i had some issues today with... problems. girl problems, and i mean girl problems (no, not my period. heh.)... i think i was feeling some things i shouldn't have felt about people i shouldn't have... both good and bad... i'm not quite ready to spill yet, but as the details come up.. yeah, they'll come up.

and so i sit here, staring at two physical signs of friendship that i know i'll hold forever...thinking of these kids that i'm watching grow up, and wondering how it is that we still love each other... and even letting my mind wander to things i should think about...

wyoming? can you handle this?

i don't think you can handle this.

Turntable Jessie 1:21 AM [+]
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